I was in a relationship with my ex for 12 years, married for 5. The last 2 years I found out he was meeting woman off a dating website. I was devastated, it was the worst time of my life and I begged him to stay (stupidly) and I spent the next 2 years of my life in complete misery until I finally realised the damage had been done, we split sold the house and got divorced.
I was single for a year, i began to get better even though (and I know this might sound ridiculous), but I looked at the world differently. Id spent so many years thinking my marriage was perfect and "it wouldn't happen to me", but it did.
I met my partner after a year and we've been together for 4 years. At the start, I knew I'd got issues from the past, but I tried to work on them and I suppose I got good at hiding my insecurities. My partner seemed completely different and he showed me a different kind of love that I'd never had before. My ex husband didn't show much affection towards me etc, but my partner now is different.
As the relationship gained more years, and you see a persons other side, I began to realise he is terrible in an argument. He calls me names, insults my physical appearance, belittles me about my job, my family. Then once we make up, he says it's only to hurt me and he doesn't mean that. But words stick, and I don't know if it's a mixture of the things he has said along with past experiences, but I feel lost. I want to be the confident person I used to be who was completely worry free. But I feel worthless and confused. I constantly feel I should end my relationship now, even though we now have a child together, but I am constantly wondering if he will do the same to me as my ex husband did. I am constantly having my partners insults to me running through my head and wondering if the are true or if he actually thinks they are.
I don't even know what I'm asking for by writing this, I just feel at a complete loss and the lowest self confidence point in my life that I've ever felt.