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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bf's mother

16 replies

Helloitsmehere · 21/06/2020 21:40

Hi there
Part rant part advice needed.
Bit back story whenever I've seen bfs mother she's always calling people and never seems to have a nice word to say about anyone, she also loves to play victim every else is blame for her crappy attitude .

A few days before lockdown I give birth none of the family have had cuddles off our baby yet. My family have kept in touch viva video calls or came and stood at the end of the garden. His mom hasn't made any effort at all, yet today I got a nasty message off her saying this is her grandchild and she hasn't seen them enough and that our baby has another family not just mine and that. There's been nothing stopping her video calling and coming go the end of our gate she's just choose not to. She expects people to run around after her and if she hasn't noticed we've been in lockdown.

This has really upset me, does anyone have any advice on how to deal with a partners mother that has an attitude problem?

OP posts:

JustC · 21/06/2020 21:43

Yes, show the text to your bf and tell him to deal with his mum. Why the heck did she text you and not her son?

JustC · 21/06/2020 21:46

And what I've learned in 13 years is to be civil and that's it, when it comes to the in laws. I've finally managed to get a case of ' can't be bothered' when it comes to all their problems about me.

Original poster

Helloitsmehere · 21/06/2020 21:51

@JustC

Yes, show the text to your bf and tell him to deal with his mum. Why the heck did she text you and not her son?

All i can think was she was looking to cause trouble.

OP posts:

Original poster

Helloitsmehere · 21/06/2020 21:52

@JustC

And what I've learned in 13 years is to be civil and that's it, when it comes to the in laws. I've finally managed to get a case of ' can't be bothered' when it comes to all their problems about me.

That's good advice, the way she goes on in life is that everyone else is to blame and she loves to pick faults with everyone , so I'm just going to have to accept that's who she is and learn to shrug it off.

OP posts:

londongirl12 · 21/06/2020 21:54

What does your bf say?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2020 21:57

Tell your boyfriend very clearly that he will be the one to deal with his mother, because you will not. Remove her number from your phone.

SandyY2K · 21/06/2020 21:59

Yeah...ignore her and get your BF to respond to her. Tell him you feel upset about her sending that message.

Patbutcherismyhero · 21/06/2020 21:59

Sounds like my ex MIL. She was so bitter and toxic about everyone. She lived for drama and falling out with people. She will be hoping for a row with you so don't give her the satisfaction. Let your partner deal with her.

The key with people like this is to be civil and polite but never too open. She is your child's grandmother so you're stuck with her but it doesn't mean you have to tolerate her bullshit. I made the mistake of blowing up at my ex mil a few times and I could almost sense the glee in her when she got the drama she wanted. She'd go off and slag me off to the rest of the family for weeks, she honestly loved it. By all means set boundaries, but don't rise to her vileness.

Original poster

Helloitsmehere · 21/06/2020 22:16

Patbutcherismyhero - your exactly right she a very bitter person. I haven't responded to her I told my boyfriend and he's had words with her. she'll probably be slagging me off others because she loves to cause drama.
I'm just annoyed she making me out to be the bad person because my family have been in contact while she hasn't made an effort.

OP posts:

JustC · 21/06/2020 22:22

Seriously, as someone who consumed herself so much with how they are always making me out to be the bad guy, do not give it head space. It really is not worth it. I wasted so much energy and head space in trying to ingratiate myself to them. Until I decided they think I'm a bitch anyway, sod it. Just civil, that's it.

Patbutcherismyhero · 21/06/2020 22:30

@Helloitsmehere yep but she has to make you out to be the bad person, otherwise she has no battle. She's deluded and unfortunately people like this will never see that they are the problem, it will always be someone else's fault. My ex MIL had no friends, no partner, fell out with colleagues, fell out with family members. But in her mind even though she was the common factor in all of this constant drama, it was never anything to do with her. Pity her, her life must be very empty to do this.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 21/06/2020 22:31

Ime not sharing mobile numbers with ils is the best way. Let dc's df deal with them.

TravelDreamLife · 21/06/2020 22:33

My MIL is like this, she's getting worse as she ages. I adopted an 'if I don't respect you, I don't care what you think' attitude. It's saved me lots of angst & given me my power back.

Be calm, tell you bf to deal with it & refuse to engage. Be civil, polite & don't reveal any personal information.

In my house it's up to DH to make any contact or communication. I've even refused to tell her we're going on holiday next week as she'll produce a list of family & friends for us to spend all our time visiting & guilt DH into doing it. No way!

Gutterton · 22/06/2020 00:17

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. It must be unusual in lockdown but I hope that you are enjoying each and every moment of these precious and finite early days bonding with your new baby.

All that matters is that you prioritise your new little family and building a calm and peaceful home.

Don’t let people like her invade and pollute your headspace, your heart or your home. Seems like you have “one of those MILs” - your BF needs to instil v v tight boundaries immediately.

I agree with PP. Anyone she has mouthed you to will already know of her entrenched bitter disposition and will take her with a pinch of salt, roll their eyes and feel really sorry for you. You have zero control over what she says to anyone - you didn’t cause it and can’t fix it - so just assume the worst.
BUT:
Those who matter won’t care and those who care don’t matter.

She is not your friend, you need tougher boundaries with her than anyone else - your BF needs to take 100% responsibility for responding and communicating with her directly even if she contacts you.

Good luck, wipe her and her antics out of your mind - don’t let her suck the joy out of your motherhood.

Gutterton · 22/06/2020 09:31

Be open with your own parents as older people will have come across this dynamic before and will hopefully guide and support you in your approach - you will need it. Often these types of MIL kick up into another level of nonsense when DGC arrives - the jealousy with other GP is such a cliche.

Original poster

Helloitsmehere · 22/06/2020 10:29

@Gutterton

I've spoke to my mom this morning she's given me similar advice to just not bite as it will give her ammunition. My bf is going to deal with his mom today, I'm just going to try let it go over my head, she's going to call to me regardless as she loves drama and causing arguments. Nothing I can do that's just who she is...toxic and bitter.

OP posts:

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