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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband doesn’t find me attractive...

49 replies

Help00 · 21/06/2020 21:21

I am a healthy girl and have been since my late teens. My husband’s long term ex was really slim. He compared me to her one day. Since that day I have been dieting my ass off with added fuel from the day we got in an argument and he fat shamed me really bad in front of my mother in law. He often talks about how attractive and sexy women look who pass by us when we’re out for a walk or in a film we’re watching together. He thinks a size 8 is really sexy but I’m a size 20/22 now fitting into 14/16. He would make jibes at me and little jokes about being fat in general; indirects. He’s never called me beautiful and meant it or ever truly made me feel that way in fact it’s been the opposite where I wear an outfit and I think I look decent but he’d say the opposite and make me paranoid enough to change. I feel he always finds faults in my appearance from my makeup style to telling me people my size should wear baggy clothes because I don’t have the body to show off in snugger fit clothing. He wasn’t always the muscular build he is now but he doesn’t seem to remember how hard losing weight is and the effects negative comments can have. He’s all about appearance which is why this feels like a big deal to me but my problem here probably is soo petty lol.

OP posts:
Cocobean30 · 21/06/2020 22:46

Honestly leave him, I can’t believe he thought it was ok to say any of that to you and the fact that you put up with it is really sad. Please leave him and find someone who adores you.

LemonPeonies · 21/06/2020 22:52

My narcissist exH used to act like this after I put on a bit of weight from giving up smoking (so we could start TTC). Luckily my ovaries rejected his sperm for long enough that I left him and now I have a baby with a wonderful kind man that dies nothing but compliment me. You're worth more than this and you do not have to settle for it.

LemonPeonies · 21/06/2020 22:53

Does*

foreveroverthinking · 21/06/2020 23:01

You’re not petty at all - what your husband is doing to you is completely wrong and it’s really affecting you. As PP have said his behaviour is abusive and disrespectful. You deserve someone who tells you you’re beautiful and is proud of how much you’ve achieved - and your husband isn’t that guy!

Nillynally · 21/06/2020 23:04

I've got a quick and easy way of losing 11 stone overnight. Chuck him out!

Browzingss · 21/06/2020 23:04

Sounds like none of the size 8 girls fancy him back if he had to “settle” with you! Obviously I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, but his comments towards you are vile and it does make me wonder why he dated you in the first place if your figure apparently disgusts him this much.

stealm · 21/06/2020 23:07

He is vile.
You're doing your best to lose weight which you should be doing for your own health and well-being not because some prick is comparing you to your ex.
He's doing this on purpose to make you feel worthless. It's belittling behaviour and it's meant to keep you in line so that you will always be there for him (while he is free to eye up size 8 women and tell you about it).
It's not just about your size though - he's commenting on your make up and clothing too.
You need to get out of this marriage before your self-esteem plummets any further. When it does this, you start to feel like no one else would ever love you and then you don't want to leave because "no one else will have me".

HathorX · 21/06/2020 23:27

What a vile man you have got stuck with.

If you aren't going to simply leave him (which you should as he is horrible) then the response should be: "well, I can lose weight if I want to. Whereas you're entirely unpleasant, and you're stuck that way forever."

Bloops · 21/06/2020 23:30

This is terribly upsetting :( I wouldn't be able to be with someone who couldn't accept my appearance.

goldfinchfan · 21/06/2020 23:41

Please make yourself a new life without him.

No man should talk to his wife or partner as he does.

WHy are you two together?

needhandhold · 21/06/2020 23:47

I don’t understand why he married you if he feels this way. If he’d been like this before you married, would you have married him? I’m wondering if he did it deliberately. Did the size 8 ex cheat on him? Did he get with you because he thinks you’ll never leave him? He’s warped. It’s not ok to act as he does

freedom22222 · 22/06/2020 00:14

Honey this guy is a sexual controller, please look up and read "the freedom programme" changed my life. What he's done won't feel like abuse until you understand the beliefs he has leading him to treat you this way and objectify size 8 women. This book will open your eyes and you'll be free to decide to diet or not diet, it'll be up to you and not under his control.

Lampan · 22/06/2020 08:45

He sounds horrible. I agree that even if you became a size 8 he would find something else to make you feel bad about.
For some reason there’s something so off-putting about men who openly talk about how they fancy slim women. I went on a date a few months ago and the guy said he always goes for slim women. I am slim myself but there was something so arrogant and disrespectful about him saying it. I didn’t see him again.

areyoubeingserviced · 22/06/2020 08:50

Agree with other posters. Even if you were a size 8 he would find something to complain about. He’s a controlling asshole. His son is to make you feel like shit

areyoubeingserviced · 22/06/2020 08:50

aim

Greenkit · 22/06/2020 10:36

Bin him, honestly he is no good for you

Oly4 · 22/06/2020 10:39

He sounds like a prick but I’m confused? Are you a lot bigger now than when you met?
My husband has put on 3st and it’s not attractive. Is it a crime to point this out?

Coffeecak3 · 22/06/2020 10:45

@oly4 I think there's quite a difference between sensitively discussing a partners weight gain if it's causing a relationship problem and putting your dp down whilst comparing your dp unfavourably with other women.

Oly4 · 22/06/2020 11:42

Yes I’d agree Coffee. Totally with you. But I’m against the idea that you can never mention a partner’s weight gain and how it affects their sexual attractiveness. You can still love them to death but you might not fancy them that way.
But I agree the OP’s DH sounds like a manipulative and abusive nob

SerendipityIfOnly · 22/06/2020 12:36

@Oly4

The big difference her is that the OP has been a certain size since she was a teenager and has in fact been losing weight, her husband continues to compare her negatively to slim woman and never gives her a genuine compliment..

I think this is different to what you are saying .

Oly4 · 22/06/2020 14:53

Yep agreed. I think he thinks he’s far more attractive himself than he really is!

ErickBroch · 22/06/2020 16:31

He is intentionally negging you to control you. Of course he finds you attractive but he wants you to feel insecure and unattractive so he can make sure you don't try and leave his piece of shit self.

Bundlemuffin · 22/06/2020 18:29

Can't help wondering why you are together.

He is with a partner he allegedly finds unattractive. Why?

You are with a partner who is a giant dickhead. Why?

SerendipityIfOnly · 22/06/2020 18:36

I think the OPs husband absolutely finds her attractive. I think he puts her down so her self esteem lowers and she stays with him . I don't think for one moment he would be with someone he didn't find attractive.

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