Am I overthinking this?

[Ginbunny1212]

Broke up with my ex in January wasn’t a bad break up, just we had different priorities. I wanted a relationship and he was dealing with life issues that always got in the way. I felt I wasn’t a priority and he said he was busy, still interested but understood. He was a closed book and blamed past experiences. Admitted he found it hard to let anyone in and it’s ruined past relationships before.

We went non contact for a bit, then started messaging most days. He opened up through text and this me what was going on. We met up a few times before lockdown and stayed over.

Lockdown happened and we kept in touch. Seen him once during for a socially distanced walk. I have a few hints that I wanted to see him and he didn’t pick up on them He is still going through some family issues. Conversation got onto dating. He said he wasn’t interested in dating as concentrating on getting things back on track with life. He can get depressed if things don’t go as expected.

He turned up today at my house as I had a card for his birthday- said would pop it round soon. He said it was a flying visit. We had a chat and I got a big extended hug as he left. I needed this as no human contact for months. I am getting some home improvements done, and had no luck with workmen. He said he could help and will see what he can do. He was always talk and no action - so not expecting much here.

However, a few things I need perspective on?

1. Why would someone keep messaging their ex if not interested. It’s been going on for months.
2. Why bear hug me, and not a friendly hug
3. I logged onto bumble and found his active profile. Said he wasn’t interested
4. Why confess things and his issues to me now and not when we were going out.
5. When hinting I wanted to see him, why ignore the hints ( during lockdown)
6. Would you pop in to see an ex? He said he would make me something for my birthday.

I am not too sure he is interested. I think I am reading too much into it. I am mildly interested, but worried old patterns will emerge, so holding back. We get on really well and the chemistry is amazing. It’s just l am in a more secure part of my life and he is still a dreamer.

What do I do?

1. Why would someone keep messaging their ex if not interested. It’s been going on for months.

Because there's no pressure so he can just keep things friendly and casual. He obviously likes you as a person and nothing bad happened eg no one cheated. During lockdown, people were anxious and some were starved of conversation. Maybe he likes talking to you and found it reassuring.

1. Why bear hug me, and not a friendly hug

He likes you and missed you perhaps. Lots of people have been starved of physical contact, maybe he needed a hug.

1. I logged onto bumble and found his active profile. Said he wasn’t interested

Wasn't interested in what? He's obviously interested in dating or at least seeing what's out there if he's active on a site.

1. Why confess things and his issues to me now and not when we were going out.

There's no pressure on him as you're not in a relationship. He obviously has intimacy issues and closes off when he feels vulnerable.

1. When hinting I wanted to see him, why ignore the hints ( during lockdown)

Because he didn't want to see you and didn't want to directly say that.

1. Would you pop in to see an ex? He said he would make me something for my birthday.

Depends. If I liked them and there was no one else, perhaps.

He’s not into you

I guess. It’s like he was at the being and during. Non committal to things, but allows keeping communication open. I wish I didn’t like him.

I think he likes keeping you on a string.

We had a chat and I got a big extended hug as he left. I needed this as no human contact for months

This is still illegal and could lead to the deaths of other people BTW.

Fuck me the first part of your post is so similar to my own experience I thought for a minute I wrote it myself when I was pissed! I too ended a "situationship" at the beginning of the year for the same reason as you - I love him, he likes me. It hurts like hell but in a scenario like this all you can do is refuse to undervalue yourself and put an end to it. You'll respect yourself more in the long run... because no matter how much you analyse the situation the fact is this - if someone loves you they will not let you go.

IRS nice fir him to know you are out there and potentially available. But you could be hanging around for years waiting for him to 'sort things out'. You need to end all contact, otherwise you won't move on.

What do I do?

Nothing. You made it clear, now let him come to you if he wants. In the meantime, don’t wait around for him to make up his mind. He is keeping you on the back burner.

It’s not illegal to have a hug. We have both been careful washed hands beforehand etc. and data from the track and trace has indicated less than 15 mins contact, risk minimal. Tbh it was worth the risk as first hug in months. Sometimes you have to weigh up the risks.

Yip I need to let go. He had plenty of opportunity to meet up. Although he is a bit thick with hints, but never says what he thinks. Not making excuses, but he keeps his guard up. I couldn’t figure out if lockdown and distance played a part in not meeting up. I work for the nhs and get tested as part of a trial. New one tomorrow. He joked that if it’s negative we should meet up😉.

How long were you dating before you split up? How was the relationship before?

Maybe he was shielding people during lockdown and/or trying to ensure he's doing his part to keep people safe, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. Also, you say you're only mildly interested in possibly dating him. Surely you'd be eager to get back together if it was the right thing to do, so I'd go with that: your gut.

Unless you're in a bubble with him, aren't you meant to be keeping 2m away at all times ?

He's keeping you on a string, and my suspicious side says he came to see you because he didn't want you popping around to his under any circumstances.

I'd be thinking he's moved someone in with him over lockdown.

You are the ego-boost on the side.

In my experience, guys like that play the field and when they get a bit too many rejections, they seek some ego boost from someone they know will easily oblige. Once they have it off they go back playing without a second thought.

It might not be his case but if he were serious, you wouldn’t be sat there wondering.

Do you want to just be mates with him? If not, I'd cut contact as that seems to be what's on offer.