This is a really long story, so I will try to make it as short as possible to give you a picture of what is happening. English is not my first language, so I am sorry for any grammar mistakes.
Background: I am a 25 year old female with a 5 year old son.
I did not grow up in a happy environment, as my parents constantly fought and my mum always criticised my dad, how unfair he treats her and how he doesn’t fulfil his parental responsibilities. He did prioritise his friends and free time over us, but it is what it is.
She was a good mother to me though in that she fulfilled her parental responsibilities 100%.
We immigrated to UK when I was 13 years of age. When I was 18 I met my son’s father.
My mother never stopped moaning about my dad, so one day I simply told her – but why don’t you leave him if he adds nothing to your life and you are so miserable? To which she replied, - “Yes I need to do something, but I am scared in case I will be left all on my own and you and your boyfriend will take advantage of me, maybe try to get money off me”
I went to uni in the meantime and didn’t like the course I was studying, therefore dropped out and got pregnant with my son.
She was really upset about me leaving uni, as she had spent over 3k to pay for the first year. Even though I spoke to her numerous times about student loan, saying that in case I don’t like the course or anything happens, but she insisted to pay for it and now she was upset that money was gone for nothing.
During my pregnancy my mother kept making strange comments saying that she will give up her job to look after baby because me and son’s father will be incapable of looking after him, i.e. child will be dirty etc.
Once my son was born, she was really involved from day one. Visited constantly etc. She also told people at work that she was surprised that she wasn’t needed really and that she doesn’t have to give up her job, because me and my partner are capable of looking after the child ourselves.
She constantly overstepped the mark and violated any boundaries/decisions I was making about my son. For example, she constantly put dummy in his mouth, even though midwife has said that if baby is calm and sleeping ok without it, it’s not really necessary to be forcing dummy in his mouth.
At the time I thought maybe my mother just trying to help, but my son’s father started to find her overbearing.
Me and my son’s dad had our own problems, arguing, lack of money etc. Any time I was in my mother’s house, she was trying to find out how me and my partner were getting on.
When my son was 8 months of age, he stayed overnight with my mother and father, as me and my partner went to the friend’s birthday party. When we came back next afternoon to get him back, my mum angrily hissed at us and said – “ be quiet, the baby is sleeping, don’t you wake him up”. I don’t remember what exactly my mother was saying to us then, but she made some awful comments about parenting in general and also said that my son was perfectly behaved when we were not there and now he is all upset. There was a lot more said, which left me in awful mood for 3 days. My partner sent her a polite message saying that her comments were hurtful and uncalled for and that I was a good mother. She gave him a cheeky response.
Me and my partner broke up, he found somebody else and asked me to leave the apartment. I left and the only place I had to go was my parent’s house.
My son was 12 months of age back then. My mother and father ignored any boundaries or any decisions set by me about my son. Now that I was living in their house, I had to parent the way they wanted me to, without upsetting the baby. Anything I done was constantly undermined and criticised. As my son grew older, it became known that he was possibly on the autistic spectrum. My son had major problems with food, and health visitor suggested that I should keep trying to introduce new foods. I couldn’t do it, as my son was getting into meltdown each time and my mother said she won’t let her grandson to be tortured and once I move to my own property I can do whatever I want.
Life got increasingly difficult, my son had constant meltdowns, I couldn’t go to any shops with him as he was overwhelmed and kept crying and beating his head against the floor. At times like this I was grateful that I had my parents who helped looking after him and I was glad that I was able to go out and even date. Even though my parenting was criticised as my parents never believed in autism, I felt a sense of relief that I had any help at this difficult time. During our time there, I often heard from my mother that children are hard work and that she needs to rest. She also kept saying that I can’t be without them, as they are so helpful and if my life was that miserable I would have moved out.
Eventually I moved to separate apartment when my son was 2. My parents kept taking him during weekends. They never listened to anything I told them. My mother works at the factory where she was able to get toys for free, so she brought them in for my son. This further exacerbated problems with toys at the shops. My son was never able to leave the shop without meltdown and he was always looking to buy toys.
My son’s weekend visits at my parents’ house came with a price – my mental health. My mother would constantly call me and say how tired she was and how hard it was to keep my son all weekend. She also complained that dad done nothing with my son, that she was the only one responsible. I said to her ok I will pick my son up then, but she never let me take him, she kept saying don’t you upset the child. So it was like – I was damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
When I started to date my current partner, me and my partner visited my parents house numerous times. During these times my mother made some hurtful comments, for example – “Did you two go shopping? Aha, of course it’s easy to just go and buy toys for the child, rather than spend time with a child”. Or she would say – I can see you don’t need your son because he is always with us. Apparently she was looking out for me and wanted me and my partner and my son to make a family. Any time we took steps to be a family, arrange something to do together, this was overruled by my parents who wanted to see their grandson. For example, we went to visit my partner’s sister once and had great fun. As a result we came back home late. Next day my father called me to say why did I not bring the child, so I explained we were visiting people and came back home late. To that he told me to off and hang up the phone.
And this is only a few moments that I described here.
Me and my partner argued few times, did not see each other and then got back together again. My parents weren’t happy about it. They don’t like my partner as he never putted up with what they were doing. After incidents, he just never spoke to them again. And he always said to me that their behaviour is not normal, that I must set boundaries. I have tried different things over the – not speaking to my mother, only letting my son go there one weekend day rather than full weekend, but always back to square one, where my mother is complaining that it is not her child and that he shouldn’t come as often.
Recent incident when I did not pick phone up when my son was at grandparents’ house. My dad came to my apartment and started screaming at me, saying that I dumped this child of mine on their shoulders and did not bother to come and see my son at their house and did not bother answering my phone. I told him to leave, he continued to shout. I picked my son up and left.
I decided not to let them see my son if he is such a burden. But they called me and my partners’ names, they texted my partner and called him a paedophile. Now they are trying to get access to my son, constantly coming around and texting.
I am so fed up. I need someone to look at my story and share their insight. I feel guilty, thinking that my parents supported me in times of great need, but I cannot take anymore insults or my parenting undermined. I don’t want my son to be unwanted burden. As I said, these are only few incidents. There were a lot more. For example, when my son show affection to me and says he loves me, at one stage my mother said – “Oh, he loves you! I am surprised, I thought he didn’t!.
I am very sad about the whole situation people. I am trying my best. Raising a child is hard enough for any parent, let alone the one with autism and when you are a single parent. My son was eventually diagnosed at 4 years of age. His behaviour improved, he attends mainstream school and I am counting my blessings. I have never thought we will be able to visit people’s houses normally or go grocery shopping without meltdowns. My son is very different now to what he was when he was younger and I am grateful for that and this is the best gift I have ever got.
I am in second year of my degree and has recently passed my driving test to open up opportunities and give myself and my son a better life.