Depressed DH separation... Help!

[Stegasaurusmum]

DH and I agreed to separate about 10 weeks ago. 18 years together, but after a long period of unhappiness on both sides. 6 months or so of talking and a few counselling sessions, leading up to and after the decision. More me than him, he would have carried on, but he did acknowledge that it needed to be me to do it and he understood and accepted it. Even thanked me.
All very amicable, but of course strained and horrible due to lockdown.
He's still looking for as ome where to rent, as it wouldn't be practical for him to stay in the house with the children whilst I leave, or even for them to move with me.
He loves this house, I feel terrible that he has to leave, but it can't be helped.

Clearly it's a horrible situation and just needs to move forward with him moving out etc, but it's taking longer that it would have I guess due to corona.

Problem is he is so depressed. So unhappy. Barely speaking to the children or interacting, (never did, much, part of the reason for the split), some days doesn't see them at all as won't go up to say goodnight after getting home from work late. He's drinking loads, spending days just wandering round, looking at things., silent.. .

He is waiting on telephone counselling, but aside from that I just don't know what to do for the best. It's affecting the kids, the eldest is 10 and knows, she keeps coming to cuddle me, the youngest 5 and doesn't really get it but is also so loving, they've never had physical affection from him so they're not missing it but I can see it's affecting their sleep, behaviours, etc.

He veers between acting like nothings changed, working on garden projects, acting as normal, and running off to cry.

I don't think there's anything I can do really?
I'm talking to him about their days, I'm cooking, washing etc all the stuff I've done previously. I'm giving him space, by going up to bed to watch a film or have an early night, going out on a weekend to see friends or for a run, or he will sometimes go to bed early, but also sometimes I suggesting watching a film or something. Today I got him a present, the DC wrote cards, I'm cooking a roast later and suggested a walk. But obviously today is worse and is making him very sad.
I've suggested the GP (I'm on antidepressants since Feb, because of this situation, they've helped enormously) and I've suggested he gets our for walks, cycle rides, contact friends... He's not talked to another person outside work or been anywhere since lockdown started.

I just don't know how to get through what could be months whilst he finds somewhere.

Any thoughts or experiences appreciated, thanks!

It must be hard for him to be told he has to leave his home and children so I would maybe cut him some slack for the moping around and being miserable !
I’m not sure why he hasn’t moved out yet though as you can rent a house even during lockdown.

I’m not sure why he hasn’t moved out yet though as you can rent a house even during lockdown.

Many estate agents have been short and/or staff furloughed and even so it really depends on what area and what type of accommodation is needed. In some areas, like mine, rental options are more limited and if you are searching for a property that is affordable, has space for the kids and is nearby the kids it isn't easy, even in normal times.

How long before he speaks to the counsellor? If it isn't an MH emergency (threatening self-harm or worse) then you might have to tough it out till then as that will be the best source of help at the moment even if it just helps him to go and see a GP. As the previous poster said he is facing moving out of his home and away from his children as well as your marriage breakdown.

I know, I feel terrible, but we can't sell the house for 2 years, tied into a mortgage, plus loads of DIY to finish. Live rurally, no public transport, and he doesnt drive, so basically if the kids were here with him EOW they couldn't do anything other than walk around the local area, plus he's not then going to be able to have them during the week, so I'd have to still do all the running about. Which are two other reasons for the split.

He's agreed it's for the best, but yes, of course it's awful and I am cutting him slack, I'm biting my lip when the kuds are asking him things or asking for stuff in his presence and he's not responding... But I just wonder if there's anything else I could do.
Or maybe I'm just taking on too much responsibility and trying to please everyone, keep the peace... Another reason for the split and why I was unhappy for about 10 years!

Yes, the rental situation is difficult, we have a dd and ds, so needs 3 beds, v tricky to find in the price range.
I think he will get counselling in about a month? NHS so hard to say.
He's never been very good at asking for help or acknowledging feelings, so the crying is new, I'm hoping the counselling will help.
I think he's been depressed for years to be fair. Maybe 3? But despite me asking him to get help and suggesting counselling for us both, plus me having my own, about 6 months ago, he's not taken it up.
So I guess it's progress.
Maybe what I need to to is accept I can't really make any of this easier for him, it's just hard and can't be fixed.

So he’s just outright ignoring his children? That’s cruel and not on. It sounds like you’ve been carrying him and masking his inadequacy for years and even though it’s the reason for your split, you’re still doing it now.

Stop washing his clothes, stop cooking for him, stop doing all the emotional labour to shield the children from what a prick he’s being. If he can’t even acknowledge his children in their own home then he needs to go away. I know he’s got you feeling sorry for him, but the way you’ve described how he’s behaving towards the children sounds really nasty. Time for him to leave.

Op - you are not responsible for his happiness. He has been depressed for 3 years but has not seen a doctor/spoken to anyone about it? It's awful and I know you are (understandably) sad about it but he has to deal with these issues himself.

Don't let him drag you and the dc down with him.

I'm biting my lip when the kuds are asking him things or asking for stuff in his presence and he's not responding

This is awful OP. Really, a good father would not do this. Where is your anger? He has really done a number on you to have you feeling so sorry for him and making it all about him.

I know, it's part of the reason things have got so bad, I started treating him like a third child. It's a slow process I guess, stopping feeling responsible for him!
He's doing things if I directly ask him, so if I say, can you do bedtime tonight, as I'm busy etc, he will. But day to day, yes, he's just not interacting much. To be honest they barely notice anymore.
As horrible as this is, I do worry about them with him on their own.. Although without me there he is forced to do more. The days I've headed out and left him yo it, I think he's encouraged them out and got them to do stuff.
It's not been terrible for years, it's just the roles we've fallen into. I think he masked the depression with drink, being naturally quiet, work, being busy with projects etc.

I guess I'm trying not to rock the boat as I feel so guilty and I just want to get through this period till he moves.

He needs to see his GP for anti depressants, you can encourage him and make allowances to make things easier for him, you can offer to book appmt for him, but you can't fix his life. Your relationship is over and that is sad, he will be losing a lot. But he's choosing to do nothing about it except withdraw and carry on in a broken way.

That's what I'd talk to him about. This could be the start of a new life for him and should be. He can do it. It could be exciting! You're doing it and you have it harder. Tell him all the fabulous qualities he had about him when he was younger and that he's lost his way and it's just there within reach for him to find it. You'll be there as mother of his children, a co parent and ex wife who cares about him, so hopefully you can be friends in support for each other but he must start to talk to other people and do something to help himself,

it's not your role anymore to be his sole support as well as the children's & your own. Remind him he is a father and opting out isn't ok, he has to find some drive. That'll be far easier on antidepressants to help his brain get out of the funk it's in.

Ps. Drinking alcohol steals time, it makes the days go by blurry without doing anything, it's opting out. Please encourage him to stop drinking as it'll also be adding to his depression.

How much time are the DC going to spend at his new place, if it's only one or two nights a week then a one or 2 bed place would do surely? ( the dc can camp out in a spare room or in the living room) and he can look to upgrade to a 3 bed place later. The atmosphere is already impacting your DC. You may have to be proactive in searching possibilities to rent and present them to him as he likely won't be motivated to find somewhere himself. He won't want to leave your cosy nest and support.

You've done all that you can for him, you sound very loving but he needs to want to get better himself. As the Al-anon mantra goes "you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it." Perhaps whilst he is still at home you could put some boundaries/rules in place. e.g. he has to acknowledge and say hello to the DC in the morning or if he is feeling sad or irritable he goes up to the bedroom so that the DC don't have to witness his behaviour.

My late husband had depression. I found that his bad moods vanished when I gave him hypericum (from the health food store) having first checked that he was not taking any medication which would clash with it. It worked miraculously, so I then suggested to him and to our GP that he might be depressed. Anti-depressants were then prescribed, and he stayed on these for the rest of his life.

Thanks all. Yes I guess I have to remember that even though I have caused this particular slump, it's not all my fault.

It's the mood swings I can't deal with. He gets drunk, and is all puppy dog, sorry, you're right, it's OK stuff... Then when he's sober he's either planning projects for our house... Or moping, or not eating, or crying, or slamming doors and being pissed off.

Only a few more weeks, hopefully. He needs it as much as I do. I feel like I'm in limbo, can't get started on anything because of the current situation but also because he's still here and I'm tiptoeing around.