How to build bridges with my SIL

[laurelhedge]

I wrote a while back about my SIL who has been consistently rude and nasty to me and my DDs side of the family. Also how he can be rough and shouts at his severely disabled 11 yo DD. March/April I was helping DD care for 2 GDDs while her DH was working and unable to live at home because we were shielding. When He came in to WFH, I was appalled at his constant micromanaging, interfering, criticising and rudeness to me. Also at DDs passive acceptance of his behaviour.

However, he also has a really good side and most of the time is helpful, caring and kind to his children and DD. He does an awful lot in the house and for his family. This is the majority of the time. He is lovely with disabled DD most of the time and makes sure she has lots of fun activities and is usually so caring.

I think the first part of his behaviour is him putting all the responsibility for everything on his own shoulders, and refusing to give my very competent DD any responsibility or respect for her own abilities. I think he feels he has to take control of everything and therefore all responsibility, even if it means he does a lot of the cooking, washing, and shopping. He comes home from work and immediately starts working around the house, even though he doesn't need to. He never sits down and relaxes.

So I just got fed up when he was rude and snappy with me and rough with his DD, and left. I've not spoken to him since. He's offered to apologise to me in person, but I was done. He is going to have personal counselling for his angry controlling side, and marriage counselling to DD because she feels undervalued and not heard. My input is vital to to the smooth running of the family and I do a huge amount for them, which I'm happy to do.

So I need to build bridges with SIL but mentally I really don't want to know. I have to though, but I'm not good with opening up. I've spent years avoiding him where possible to avoid the nasty remarks, but I need to at least talk to him. I just don't know what to do or say. DD is currently not at home, but in hospital with DD1 for 2 weeks. How do I approach this?

This is your son in law, I presume-not sister in law?

What does your daughter say about all this?

March/April I was helping DD care for 2 GDDs while her DH was working and unable to live at home because we were shielding

Who couldn’t live at home? Who was shielding?

Your OP was confusing until I realised SIL must mean son in law not sister in law.
Also the whole premise of your OP is wrong IMO.
The onus is not on you to build bridges with him. Your role is to provide unflinching support to your DD.
If his behaviour has been unacceptable spell this out privately to your DD. Unfortunately then you must step back and allow her to make her own decisions. Sorry 💐

Do you feel he’s really sorry or just going through the motions in offering to apologise? If he really is sorry then you may just need more time to calm down.

If you want to continue to support them you need new boundaries whereby you can challenge his behaviour and he has to commit to changing. If he won’t then you might have to consider supporting your DD from a distance.

Communication is nearly always the answer to these problems.

I remember your PP and he sounded truly awful given the amount of help you provided to them as a family. My view is that to move on he needs to apologise and provide assurances he wont behave like that again. You need the opportunity to express your upset at his attitude towards you and what you expect going forward if your going to continue to support them.

Instead of building bridges could you be thinking of it as building boundaries?

Your boundary is that you will be polite and respectful and expect him to be the same to you and his dw and dd.You want to support your dd and her dc but you don't necessarily need to be his friend.

@Letseatgrandma My son in law. He had to carry on working and living away from home, while I moved in with DD to care for the girls, and we were shielding DGD1 who is disabled.

@tobedtoMNandfart I've spoken to DD on several occasions, and she just says she spoken to him, but he's rude to everyone ....except his friends, family and work colleagues. It concerns me that he ignores what she says and just carry's on. I can't step back. DGD1 needs a 60 mile round trip to school each day, and special food cooking. Plus help finding funding for charities, research, equipment and so on. DD normally works part time so I pick up the slack, school runs etc.

I think he is genuinely sorry, and you are all right in that I am going to have to accept it, and move on. I think I will have to say, I'll never put up with this again because I won't. It will be hard not to sound angry because I've bottled this up for years without saying anything ☹️

I think I will have to say, I'll never put up with this again because I won't

But what does that actually mean? If you'll never put up with it again what will you say or do next time you hear him abusing his dd or dw? Will you walk out and never come back? Or will you stick around and tolerate it for the sake of your dd? I think you need to have a very clear agreement with yourself and your dd what you will actually do next time he does this.

Because he will.

To be clear I didn't mean step back from helping. I meant step back from persistently telling DD how awful he is as this will just alienate her from you.