Just had a shock * Trigger Warning Past Abuse*

[ItsHardToTalk]

Namechanged as I post freely under my usual username and can be easily identified. I've been around for years. No one knows about this.

I had my shopping delivered yesterday and as I opened the door I realised the delivery man was my childhood best friend. The thing is, he used to sexually abuse me . I instantly felt sick and nearly lost use of my legs. I havnt seen him in over 15 years, since my mid teens.

He started asking questions about my life and I just about managed to hold the conversation . When he left I felt super shaky. Loads of memories came flooding back, things I've tried to bury, and I'm still unsettled and anxious 24 hours later.

I've always found it hard to deal with what happened to me as he was the same age as me and it happened between the ages of 8-11. I know now that something might have been going on at home for him to do that to me, but what he done effected me a lot and the way I was with sex later on. I was very confused and didn't know what was happening to me back then.

I don't know what I want from this thread. I just wanted to get it down. My DH is amazing but he doesn't know the full extent of it.

You should indeed be credited for writing about such a painful subject to you. He may well have had a hard life at home but its still no justification or excuse for what he did to you; you are not at fault.

Please consider talking to NAPAC; they could be very helpful to you here. napac.org.uk/

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you so much for responding I will have a look at that organisation. I've never talked to anyone about it so maybe it's time I did.

From what he said it seems my life has turned out much better than his and I felt better about it but also feel guilty for thinking that.

I'm sorry OP. Sounds terrifying, I'm not surprised you're shaking. Have a cup of hot sweet tea for shock. There's an organisation you may find helpful called The Survivor's Trust or NAPAC see details above. Both can help you to find someone to talk to.

What you're experiencing, where it all comes flooding back, is PTSD where you relive memories when triggered.

Oh that must have been a total shock. As recommended by posters you really need to speak with someone, a professional.

You can also discuss with them about sharing or not sharing with DH. I know from experience it's a big burden to carry alone. Having someone to speak to could be invaluable.

Please don't take this as advice, but if it were me then I'd think seriously about preventing that person coming along to my house again. Of course that depends on the delivery/service, but I'd be looking in to that too.

OP, you don't give any details on what happened, but whatever if was you were not happy with it. It does not matter what his situation is/was, you need to look after yourself as number one, don't think about him.

ItsHardToTalk please don't feel guilty that you're pleased your life's turned out better, let's be honest we sometimes have these thoughts even when there aren't horrendous circumstances like in your case.

Also, don't feel like you should feel sorry for him, regardless of his personal circumstances he abused you and the onus shouldn't be on you to be understanding. It's ok to be angry IYKWIM.

Thank you all for your comments . I do feel much better now compared to yesterday and this morning.

We seem to have a different delivery driver every time. It's rare if we get the same one. As I now know there's a possibility it's him I can be prepared. I can send DH to the door instead.

I won't divulge many details because some of the things he done were vile but at 9 years old he very much knew what sex was. I didn't. It started at 8 and it ramped up between 9-11. He was an incredibly spoilt child and his mum and dad let him do and watch whatever he wanted so I think he may have seen things a child shouldn't. But some of the things he said and done were disgusting and can't see him getting it from a tv show or film.

One of the first things I asked him was if he had children and he said no, and i was instantly relieved.

There's a lot I've kept hidden and for the most part I've coped well into adulthood and led a normal life but sometimes it still comes and tortured me.

You’ve had some brilliant advice here, but just wanted to give you a virtual hug

What a horrible shock!

Please get some support and try and talk about it, it’ll help you a lot

@MzHz I will absolutely take that hug, thank you. Will look into talking to someone , finally. Im actually doing a degree that will hopefully lead to helping vulnerable people , and I haven't even thought of helping myself.