Relationship break, am I being unreasonable

[JustBeingMoi]

So I left the house 4 weeks ago desperate to get out of a hideous situation compounded by Lockdown. Arguing, shouting, anger, cold silences, sneering, sarcasm, name calling to set the scene and name just a few. This had been going on for a couple of years, but was compounded by lockdown. He has agreed to go to his parents since, as I have nowhere close by where I can stay. He has been there since.

I have pulled back from my original position of it's over, to you aren't coming home until some things have been worked on. We are both getting separate counselling. Him for his anger, and me for issues around low self esteem, inability to set boundaries and feeling like everyone is angry with me all the time.

Unfortunately he has persistently bothered me all through this period. We share care for our daughter, so contact is needed. But he isn't happy with the rules I have laid out, the fact he feels I'm calling all the shots and that he has no time frame. I understand some of his frustrations but it has taken an awful lot of self resolve to stand firm on this stance, which I believe is the only way forward. The fact that I felt forced into taking the action I did is testament to how awful things had got. I felt I had to protect our daughter from a horrible environment.

The problem is I feel no closer to being able to make a decision going forward. He does not believe this is the right thing to do. I feel we have tried everything else, and it hasnt worked. He thinks I am doing nothing to fix our relationship. He will get cross when I don't speak to him, or things arent as normal between us, so he will sulk for a few days, refuse to speak to me, refuse to look at me on Facetime when we do bedtime calls for our daughter and then bombards me with angry, accusatory messages. I will then capitulate and let him come over and have his say. Things will be better again, and then he starts up again when things arent going 'right'.

I appreciate his frustration, but nothing has given me the confidence that enough has changed. I've only just started the counselling, but she has identified that he is a very dominant character, and I can be quite submissive, putting other peoples needs and wants before mine. We have identified that our marital problems have come about when my daughter was born, and perhaps this is down to the fact that at this point I became more assertive about my needs and wants.

Today he has invited me over to his parents for a bbq. Something I will feel bad about for refusing! But I just don't feel up to it. He has replied saying suit yourself. And that at least he is trying to fix our relationship. And feels like I'm refusing to fix things by refusing to spend time together, but I just don't feel we are at that point.

I want things to be civil and grownup for the sake of my daughter, but I also need some space to try and sort my head out. I just can't deal with these tantrums! Am I the one being unreasonable? The only reason I have had the confidence to stick with this course of action is through support from my family, who he feels are poisoning me against him. But it has taken a lot and I constantly worry I'm doing the wrong thing. He will be belligerent, until I concede and have a conversation with him where I generally concede ground, then I perhaps won't reply to a couple of messages and he kicks off again. Its soul destroying!

Am I managing this all wrong. I'm desperate to get things right for the sake of our daughter. I want and am trying to keep things civil. Any advice would be appreciated.

Not sure why you haven't just ended it tbh. Sounds like a terrible environment to bring a DC up in. You need to make a decision and stop stringing him along and focus on a better life for your DC

"Stringing him along" is a bit harsh, she is clearly not doing this on purpose.

@sunflowersandtulips50 this is a 13 year relationship I'm talking about. And all the related emotions, feelings, shared memories and hopes and dreams I'm talking about. And that's before you consider all the practical stuff. It is anything but a simple decision. This eats me up inside.

Please contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women here if you have not already done so.

AM is no answer to domestic violence which is also what you are describing here. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you have rightly called him out on his unreasonable behaviour. I would also think he is all sweetness and light to those outside the home; it is for you alone that such treatment is meted out.

I would also rethink your own counselling because you are really describing the workings of an abusive relationship to this person.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; I would look at that carefully too particularly with regards to your problems with setting boundaries, feeling that other people are angry with you all the time and low self esteem. Where did all that start with you?. All that too made you very attractive to this man you have been with until now.

I was going to advise that you not attend this bbq under any circumstances, I am glad to read that you are not going. Its at his parents house too and they will back him to the hilt, their loyalty is with their son and their support cannot be at all relied upon.

He is not trying to fix anything here; this relationship is broken anyway because of the abuses he has and continues to mete out towards you. Its over and if you are married to this man, you need to start divorce proceedings. I would also start to formalise all contact arrangements through the court system as he will continue to try and tie you in knots re that too.

He will never be civil towards you because he is abusive and such types hate women, all of them. He is not merely showing you frustration; he is pissed off that he is losing his power and control over you (and in turn your child). He wonders why on earth you left him; this most perfect of specimens in his head.

He cannot and will never respect any boundary you care to set him; you asked him for space away from him and yet he still (unsurprisingly) contacts you directly. He does this because he can and he likes yanking your chain. Your own reasonableness re him will not work because he will never be reasonable or see your point of view ever. Time to get a Solicitor onto him and communicate with him via that person.

"This is a 13 year relationship I'm talking about. And all the related emotions, feelings, shared memories and hopes and dreams I'm talking about"

This also sounds like the sunken costs fallacy and that causes good people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavor and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs. Do not let this be you now.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

What you saw was an act from him and an act he could never maintain. Abusers too often start to ramp up the power and control against their target when pregnant or after the birth of a child.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat. Once again your words give me some strength.