6 miscarriages now pregnant but mixed feelings

[disconnecteddrifter]

I've had a rollercoaster for a year and a half. My OH finally agreed to try for a baby nearly 2 years ago. Im 43 and we both already have children and have blended the family. Kids all get on great. Life is as good, 5 kids and happy. The only issue is i feel excluded from his family as i am not related and from a lower social class.
First miscarriage Nov 2018 and 5 more followed, 2 where I had to be admitted fo hospital. Looking back it has been a huge trauma and I think it has changed me in some way.
With lockdown i had a chance to process i think. Not having to work 12 hrs outside the house and being able to read a book, exercise. I lost a stone, started to make plans for fun with friends and began to take an interest in my future not just existing i was starting to get some of my old self back who i didnt realise i had lost.
Now I find out I am pregnant. This longed for baby who I was desperate for - I think it is going to curtail my life if I even manage to carry it. I wont have money, I wont have friends as will be tied to a baby. I wonf be able to work full time. I'll ruin my teenagers lives as I wont be able to take them places. I'm far too old its ridiculous to have a baby this age. I'll be so lonely. Things my dh considered but I dismissed for 2 years.
I am exhausted already, sick and I'm so angry at myself. I havent told my partner. I'm sort of hoping this ends naturally and hate myself for it. I have no idea what to do I'm five weeks.

Anyone?

You can end the pregnancy.

After all the struggles to get here?

Yes. If it's no longer what you want. You're not locked into this decision.

I would see if you can get a counselling session asap and really talk it out privately. It might be just cold feet or fear about another loss, but you might also be at the point of being ready to let go of having more dc. Whichever path you choose you will make work.

You need to make the right decision for you now.

Thank you for your reply it means a lot to me. I am just so lost. I feel so selfish if I dont have the baby who I was so desperate for but feel really selfish for having it because of my other children and my age. My whole being yearned for a baby ans I really thought it was the best thing for our family. I will look up counselling I suppose it will online?

Does anyone know how to get a counsellor?

Is it possible that these thoughts are popping into your head to protect yourself in case you miscarry again?

I would definitely look into counselling. You can’t keep a baby because you feel guilty about the previous miscarriages.
I got pregnant when my eldest was 14, but I was only 33 and I had another at 35.
I couldn’t think of anything worse than having a baby in my 40’s 🙈

I am worried these thoughts are a self preservation in case I miscarry and yeah I'm worried about having a baby in my 40s but wasnt a few months ago. I've looked up counselling but there are millions of options doesnf anyone have any way to narrow it down? I donf want to tell my oh I'm pregnant but I'm starting to get sick etc

I feel I have to answer as I had a baby in my mid 40s. He is now 16, so I am over 60.
I still have friends and had them all the way through! You will too.
We did have built in babysitters which did make things easier although I would never curtail the older children's lives to babysit.
Unless you handle it spectacularly badly it will not ruin your children's lives. So many people have never had experience of babies until they have their own. Mine knew exactly what they were doing!
Babies are transportable. I took mine to University on my own plus baby. All well.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

Why haven’t you told your OH about the pregnancy? Do you not think he will understand or support you in how you are feeling?

I think he has seen me so desperate and traumatised from the miscarriages and my depression laying in bed feeling live isnt living. He wanted to stop trying to stop putting me through this. Now I'm pregnant and who knows it will probably miscarry, I should be happy. It's like my minds just switched and I'm too ashamed to tell him or anyone else.
Thank you for your comment 7to25. I feel like from my 18 months of depression not being able to face pregnant friends etc I am out of touch and have lost friends and just starting to rebuild those bridges. I think each time I get pregnant I also get depressed as I dont know if I am believing what I'm thinking whther it is me. I worry I'm a bit insane

Age concerns aside. I planned my DS but when I found out I was actually pregnant I struggled, was scared to tell DP, even though in reality I knew he would be over the moon. I questioned everything but really it was just anxiety / shock / realisation it was really happening and all the what ifs.

In the nicest possible way you’re sounding a bit frantic. Take a deep breath. Tell your DH. Take some time out of decision making to process how you’re feeling.

Talk to DH - you’ll feel better afterwards.

You won’t ruin your kids life or yours. I get your scared but when you were feeling rational you wanted this - you’re panicking and you’re hormones are everywhere.

Relax and be kind to yourself.

I had a bleed around 6 weeks and it confirmed I cared very much for my baby inside me.

If after careful consideration and talking to your DH you really don’t want this then you do have options, but that too will be traumatic and something you live with.

Please be kind to yourself.

I’ve also struggled with anxiety / depression throughout pregnancy and after birth - completely out the blue for me. I wish I’d got help sooner. If you need some impartial maybe start by contacting GP.

You absolutely can end the pregnancy.

If you have teenagers it's a huge upheaval to go right back to the start.

The other thing that raises a real red flag to me is the way you feel excluded from his family because of class. Be honest: is this you, or them?

If it's them, I would really hesitate at moving into the position where you might find a whole bunch of relatives who look down on you suddenly wanting a piece of your baby - especially if that is ideally without you there. It doesn't work and I've seen it been a huge cause of strife... between the parents especially.

If it's you feeling inadequate and they're lovely to you, then the opposite coudl be the case - that a baby would bring you together as a family at last.

But either way, if you've changed your mind then that is reasonable.

As PP's said you can see your GP, also there are pregnancy counselling services. You could search pregnancy counselling in your area and that'll narrow it down.

How is your relationship in general?

Thank you so so much. I am I think more than frantic - I dont think I'm wired the way normal people are and just it goes round and round and I catastrophise. I appreciate the advice to take time out of the decision making process. I'll take my kids to the beach and try to take my mind off it

I think his family are pleasant as a whole and have always been kind to me but I feel inferior as generations of my family didnt go to oxbridge and I have never been to the ballet or opera apart from in the local theatre. I feel this means we have little to talk about. And it feels like we are from different worlds. Literally they have house around the world and I didnt know ordinary people even had this sort of life. His ex was from that background and I'm not.
Plus rightly they are concerned with seeing their blood relatives so for example as we are a family of 7 he has taken his kids to theirs for weekends since we can meet in a six. And I've been left behind. Not made any fuss about it as I think its reasonable but it does hurt to feel excluded.
This recently made me glad I was no longer trying for a baby as I had started to doubt that I could be happy tied in. I was looking for more independence so I could take my children away separately like he has done or I could go on a holiday with a friend or start a hobby. Now this feels like I am trapped.

I agree with what @category12 said and with similar posts by PPs.

You absolutely do not have to continue this pregnancy if you don't want to.

You also don't have to tell him yet if you don't feel ready.

For counselling you could contact your GP, BPAS or Marie Stopes. Do call sooner rather than later in case there's a wait to talk to someone (I'm assuming it will be by phone or video chat atm).

Thank you for the counselling recommendations I'll do that tomorrow. So appreciated

I echo counselling. Marie stopes is a good call. So's your GP. I heard many women get desperate for a baby around that age as menopause approaches. It's like a hormonal phase that they then grow out of so to speak. They friend grieve those child bearing years and move on. So that could be what happened here. I terminated a very much wanted pregnancy so I can understand how wrong it feels at the time. But it wasn't the right time for me to have a baby (I do have one now that I adore) and it was the best decision to make in hindsight. But every case is different so hopefully counselling will help you consider what you think is best for you.

I think you sound perfectly sane and wired like others. You have so much going on and it’s all very complicated. Counselling ASAP.
You don’t got a lot going on.

Eh!! I meant to say you’ve got a lot going on!!! Dunno where that weird auto correct came from

I dont think it's a good idea to have a baby in a bid to feel more included by his family. It sounds like you've already realized that though.

Equally, having been through a lot of emotional pain due to miscarriages, isn't a reason to have a baby now.

If you have other reasons to have a baby besides those two, maybe they're good ones. But those particular two make me worried for you, because having a baby for those reasons is not going to be the solution you dream of, you're actually more likely to experience pain and disappointment as a result.

FWIW there is no way I would have a baby at 43 when I already had a large blended family, plus in laws who weren't that fussed. You are allowed to have an abortion.

I hope counselling helps. Wishing you the best.