Sorry this is so long but please read, I would really value some advice. my partner of a year is going through a chronic bout of depression, anxiety and basically an emotional meltdown. I have stood by him through this period, it’s been about two months so far. Throughout this period he has repeatedly said he loves me, but his actions have suggested otherwise. Doesn’t come near me, lack of affection (due to the depression), erratically changes his mind doesn’t know if a relationship is best, tells me he is going to move out and get a place with his best friend as he needs his own space and time, he doesn’t know what he needs or wants, he wants to be back with his family, he isn’t moving out now, then he is going to buy a place and he doesn’t know what that means for us. I have supported him and loved him throughout and told him he needs to do what’s going to make him better, but it has really affected me mentally with all the yo-yoing. I have doubted his feelings for me because of all of this and have told him this, which made things worse as he said it was an added pressure for him and that coupled with the fact I wanted him to make a decision about what he wanted (in terms of living arrangements and in general) was too much for him with how he was feeling. So he continued to say ‘I don’t know all I know is I love you and I wouldn’t still be here if I didn’t want this’ and I continued to wait........for two months.
We recently ended up on a break which he initiated, he said he needs to be on his own and sort his head out. I agreed. I needed to get out of this situation As I was becoming so drained and unwell. I had treated this break as us not being together (single if you like). Days went by and he called me out of the blue to ask how I was. He said I sounded happy and I agreed (I was less stressed). He asked what I had been up to and I said ‘just doing what single people do and focussing on themselves, walking, reading etc. He was mad and upset that I said I was single. He has assumed that we were still together. I tried to say to him that a break is a break from the relationship. He wanted to be on his own and sort his head out and I respected that but I saw us a single whilst doing that, i had no intention of seeing anyone else just focussing on myself, but it was unfair for him to go and do his own thing for however long and expect me to sit around ready for him to pick me up when he’s good and ready, I’d already done that for works with so much uncertainty, is that wrong of me?
Anyway, he’s kept in touch but has been frustrated at me, keeps asking me to tell him what I want? Are we no longer together he keeps asking and putting the onus on me. I keep reverting it back to him to say I think we need time and space like he asked for and that it’s only fair he doesn’t expected me to put my life on hold whilst he figures things out. He thought I wanted to be single to see other people but I clarified I do not. I still love him and I would never move on so quickly. I am not interested in anyone else. But I do not want to wait around after he has made me feel so unloved and been very unfair and unclear during the process. But yes I do still love him very much, I just don’t like who I am seeing right now.
He has been calling me drunk the last couple of days. Including asking me to apologise for hurting him when he was feeling so low, apparently in my emotional state of trying to help him I said and did things that he didn’t like. I apologised to keep the peace. Tonight he called from a party drunk (this is him supposedly taking time on his own to fix things) asking me if we were over? I said I didn’t know. He said are we single? And I said I thought we were. He demanded I tell him and I said not to put this on me as he asked for the time and space and I am respecting that. The way he speaks to me is so awful now I don’t even know who he is, he’d never have done this to me before. He said he’s not been true to himself in this relationship and that he’s done things to please me, instead of what he would have wanted to do. I was shocked and hurt. I didn’t know this person after all. I told him it is unfair of him to take an unlimited amount of time and space away from me and for me to continue to wait in uncertainty because what am I getting from this situation. he said ‘it was fair’ and if the shoe was on the other foot he would wait for as long as it took for me and support me more than I am of him. I am so lost right now I don’t know what to think. Please give me your opinions? Am I being too harsh on him by not waiting? When I say not waiting, I simply mean, I don’t want him to take me for granted and do whatever he wants and assume I am sitting waiting on him coming back, because that hurts