What is wrong with my sisters? Does anyone else's sister do this?

[BlueTide]

I have one sister and a few brothers, were all in our 40s. We all find my sister tricky, but the rest of us get on really well. She flies off the handle in an instant, blames everything on everyone else, plays the victim constantly, seems aggressive, and talks in a very formal manner especially when cross. She often hangs up the phone mid conversation if you say something she doesn’t like. I have tried to raise it with her gently to improve the relationships, her response was surprising, she said it was all me, partly our brothers, but mainly me, that I am full of negativity and cause everyone around me to feel tense. Nobody has ever said this to me before, the rest of my family disagree. But It got me wondering and self-questioning. I want to ask if you think her behaviour is un/reasonable, examples:
Can be nice at times as long as nothing disagrees with her
Silent treatment when she asks to visit and I say we’re not free
Repeatedly reminds me of the occasions where I failed to reply to a message
Tells me where to park the car when meeting – in a location of her choice, gets angry if I don’t
Wants to know the exact detail of any plan minute by minute – e.g day out
Gets very cross if you are late – if stuck in traffic will get angry at you – say you should’ve left earlier
Will ask family members behind my back things about me – but deny to me that she has
She tells us all we are insufferable...

She sounds hard work.

Is she the youngest of you all?

No she is 3rd oldest, and 2.5 years younger than me.
She is such hard work, obviously don't enjoy seeing her, so avoid getting together, strangely she pursues and pursues even though it'll be unpleasant when we meet.

She sounds like a nightmare

Does she suffer from anxiety?

Has she had difficult relationships in adulthood? Could there be jealousy issues on her part?

Were other siblings or you treated better by your parents? Although very few would admit to this...or you may not have realised.

She claims that parents treated her the worst, but none of us recall that. No she doesn’t suffer from anxiety, or depression. She has struggled with all adult relationships, friends, work, and personal. She’s alone.

Interesting. Sounds like she finds life quite hard. It can't be fun for her to always be on the offence. What happens when she does entity get her way? So how is she after a day out where you have given her a clear timetable and have parked here she said and do turn up on time? Is she more relaxed? Or do you always resist doing so?

She might calm after a heavy does of validation. You say that none of the siblings agree that your parents treated her differently but if she feels that was the case then it could help to really hear that and what impact it had on her without following up with any down playing or saying she has to put it behind her etc. Just validation that that is how she came out of the situation feeling.

This is assuming you love and care for her enough to want to repair the relationship and help her. If you don't then don't waste your energy trying to battle with her.

Is she on asd spectrum?

Is she on asd spectrum?

This was also my first thought. My brother has ASD and can be like this. I think it's because he sees things only from his own perspective.

I would have guessed at asd perhaps? Was she always like this?

There are a few things you’ve said that could potentially be markers for ASC. I also wondered this.

I'd say she's on the spectrum and probably undiagnosed. Often missed in girls as they hide it better than boys.

This is similar to my sister, and I think she has ASD too.

Sounds like my 3 children, 31, 23 and 21

Eldest is just like this and have the younger 2 running round in circles and jumping through hoops.

I promise it's not you, it's her

Interesting about ASC, hadn't thought of that, she seems ok-ish in social situations, shy, but eventually ok. Though often feels self-conscious. We didn't have a lot growing up especially when parents lost their jobs, so we'd make do with what we had during those times. At other times, we were comfortable. But an example of how she feels treated badly by them is that me and her shared clothes, and shared toys, and why she wasn't bought her own. My dad bought a doll, she still remembers what it looked like, and t was for sharing, she thinks it was from him to me, and did not want to share it, and wanted her own. This is because he apparently passed it to me when he came home with the shopping bags - which meant nothing to me, but years later she brings up stuff like this. As a young adult at uni I had 2 part time jobs, she didn't get a job, my parents paid all her debt, she would pitch up at home with her credit card bills, and say she needed them clearing, she also asked them to buy her a car - which they did. The rest of us have always saved for things like first car, and would not feel comfortable asking parents to buy for us - they were comfortable, but not wealthy by any means.

When her relationships haven't worked out she has taken revenge on the person usually by damaging their property, a phone, a watch, a laptop, or by financially hurting them - like getting them to book a 'lets get back together holiday' but then bailing out at the last minute, with the intention from the start to make them lose money and get revenge.

Is this ASD? or something else?
She is very entitled. She will go on about living in poverty, when she lives in a very middle class neighbourhood, visits the spa, drives a Mercedes (3 years old) and skis!

@Dugup
Sorry I meant to tag you above, thank you for replying. It's hard to know what I feel for her, as she's been pretty mean, and it makes me not want to be around her much.

She is quite simply an arsehole. No curing that.

When her relationships haven't worked out she has taken revenge on the person usually by damaging their property, a phone, a watch, a laptop, or by financially hurting them - like getting them to book a 'lets get back together holiday' but then bailing out at the last minute, with the intention from the start to make them lose money and get revenge.

Sounds more like narcissism.

It doesn’t sound like ASD to me. My daughter has ASD and is nothing like that. Narcissism might account for it perhaps - but I’m not sure that any armchair diagnosis is going to help you. Low contact and clear boundaries are probably more useful than a reason for this behaviour.

@CardsforKittens
I agree I can’t really figure out the why...
The strange thing is though she behaves very unpleasantly and difficult when you see her, she is constantly trying to arrange to see you again. But I would rather not spend that much time with her. I suppose I’m trying to figure out what kind of boundaries and how to deal with her. Also whether I should tell her I’ll just start being a bit more low contact.