I'm a very long time lurker and never in a million years thought I'd need to post here but I need some help. This is long, I'm afraid.
My H and I have been together 16 years, married for 11, and have 1 DD(7). We were always a great match for each other and have been happy and in love with no problems.
However, last year my H had a serious bout of depression - something he had suffered from before but had never fully admitted even to himself. He felt a complete lack of love for anything and had a few complete breakdowns. Eventually he got counselling and spent a long time working on himself, discovering that he also suffers from relationship OCD. However, it became apparent that there were problems with our relationship that I/we knew nothing about. Towards the end of last year, we were talking about a trial separation so that he could take some time away to heal/find out who he really is and we could both think about what we wanted. All through this time, he told me that he was sure deep down he still loved me and that he hoped he could feel it again.
Around the middle of Feb this year, he began to question whether moving out was the right choice. I went through phases of either really needing him to go, or desperately wanting him to stay. Then, of course, lockdown happened.
He was working from home full time, I was home schooling and going into work (a school) one day a week. We were stuck in a limbo with nothing happening. We hadn't kissed since new year, or said 'I love you' since sometime last year. We stopped talking about things, as our DD found it difficult to get to sleep and was still awake beyond 10.30pm (still the case now). She also felt scared if we were downstairs, so we never had much privacy to talk. I always followed his lead, as I wanted to be mindful of his depression.
2 weeks ago, my H went on furlough and last week he finally opened up. He said that he had been exploring his spiritual side and realised that he had been hiding his true personality from himself for a long time. He no longer had any desire for a romantic relationship - he finds the whole idea alien now. Even thinking about his parents or married friends is weird to him. So we've agreed that we have to separate for good and I am utterly heartbroken. He's the love of my life and I've no idea how I'll ever get over him.
More importantly though, we have no idea how/when to tell our DD. We told her last year about her daddy's depression, saying that his brain was different and sometimes he might be very sad. Any time he had a bad day, we called it a 'bad brain day' and she knew that he needed some time alone, but we have never told her that he no longer loves me. I really want to tell her soon, because she can obviously feel the atmosphere (even though we are still being friendly with each other and there's no nastiness), but I'm worried that she will get her hopes up if it takes a long time for him to find somewhere and move out, then be crushed again when he goes. She is a complete daddy's girl and she will be utterly devastated by all this. However if we don't tell her soon, I may not be able to cope with pretending to be ok all the time.
Sorry this has been so long and epic, any help or advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.