I really feel like I have fallen into a deep hole with no way to climb out.
I have one 4 yo DD, her father has treated me badly over the years. He had no contact with her until she was 2. For the last two years he has been mostly consistent, but if I do anything he doesn’t like or have any boundaries, he will stop seeing her for a period of time. This ranges from days, to weeks. It’s incredibly disruptive.
Here is the difficult part. I love DD dearly, but I really struggle with parenting her alone when her dad goes AWOL. During the first two years of her life, I felt quite low for a large amount of the time 
I don’t have much of a support network so it was pretty much just us two day in day out, with occasional visits from my parents or friends. (I still took her out to swimming/baby groups etc, but it was a really lonely time for me). Prior to having her, I had an active social life, enjoyed life and had hobbies and interests - all of that is genuinely impossible now. I don’t have anyone to babysit even occasionally really.
So when me and DD’s dad are getting on, I feel fine and happy, I enjoy life and enjoy parenting. But when he stops seeing her to be spiteful, I really struggle. Now is one of those times and I don’t really know how to handle it.
When DD was a baby everyone would say how it’s easier when they’re older and more independent, but I don’t feel like it’s easier at all. I feel really trapped by the 24/7 responsibility of care (and really guilty about feeling trapped and unhappy). I hate having to tread on eggshells to not annoy her dad so he doesn’t go AWOL - I don’t want him to have that level of control over me. But I also really can’t imagine my mental health would fare well single parenting if he fucked off.
I’m not really sure what I want from this post, I’m just feeling really lost and sad and I’m not sure what to do. I have had some health problems this year too, i had several hospital appointments and an operation, and if DD’s dad hadnt been there everyday during those weeks while I was recovering, I don’t know how I would have managed.
I don’t want to wish away DD’s childhood but I also don’t want to live feeling like this anymore