The real reason I’m single

[Ceriane]

I have a lot of health issues including gynaecological problems that mean sex is painful, so I avoid it. I have pushed so many decent guys away because of this, and in lockdown as I’m now well into my 30s. I feel like I am worrying about this situation constantly. Everywhere I go (before the lockdown) I dread people’s questions and comments about my love life. I stumbled across an old mumsnet thread when googling “why do people judge single people” and people were being really judgemental and horrible (in response to an OP asking why her friend was constantly single) which I was surprised about as I’ve found everyone on Here really supportive. I just cried myself to sleep thinking this must be what people think of me. I feel like I’m having some kind of nervous breakdown over this situation. Just don’t know what to do.

I hope your gynae consultant is good and you feel listened to and supported there.

Are you getting emotional support? Could you afford some private therapy if not? NHS waiting lists are very long of course.

You say you haven't really fancied anyone for a while, and PP have mentioned asexuality. But do you fit with this? If you are not asexual then I'd imagine being in a romantic relationship with someone asexual would be unfulfilling on both sides.

Do you have flare ups interspersed with periods of being well? Are you wanting to, and able to be, intimate in other ways when you're in a relationship - not because you think you should, but because you desire sexual contact too?

People live with all kinds of chronic conditions that effect their sex life directly or indirectly, and still manage to have fulfilling longterm romantic relationships and a family. Please don't sell yourself short, you only have one life.

Also re OLD, you need to have a thick skin regarding other people's feelings...once the sex chat starts just delete and block. Don't waste your time on these people. There are plenty of men who want to build a relationship based on connection and friendship. Of course they would likely want a sexual relationship in time, but I get the feeling you would too? It just needs to be with someone who is sensitive to your condition and its limitations. Apologies if I have misread that.

The OLD thread here is a very supportive, safe space to help with the pitfalls of dating too. This is something coupled up friends just can't quite relate to, so it's good to share your experiences with people who really understand and can give you proper advice and support.

Sorry no paragraphs! 😬

ButtonsComeandButtonsGo Your advice is really good. I’m not asexual, far from it, I just have a medical condition and it’s frustrating!!! I have wondered about people that don’t want sex, as society is so geared to relationships surely there shouldn’t be any kinds of “have to” around anything so personal so it’s good that there are forums for people that just want the romantic side, however, I know that’s not me. My lack of attraction is more to do with a health issue and how it’s making me feel. When I see people in relationships and having sex on TV I feel jealous cos I’m really missing out on a lot. Will continue to block the pushy ones on OLD. I have good and bad days, flare ups and also times when I’m almost pain free, during which I can feel really sexual. Very interested in focusing more on non penetration if I am in too much pain. I hate it when people turn sex into almost like a grot job you do for the man. I don’t want my relationship/s to be like that, to me it’s an expression of your feelings to each other.

Oh and you didn’t misread, you got it bang on, it just needs to be with someone who is sensitive about my condition and likes me for me not just what he can get from me.

It’s the constant feeling like I want a relationship more than anything in the world, but pushing away from it as this is always at the back of my mind.

The right guy for you will be accepting of it.

now I’ve got to an age where all the good ones have gone

1 in 2 marriages end in divorce, and more so for relationships where people don't marry, so in a few years there are plenty back on the market.

I hate it when sex is turned into something you do for the man

Sex should never be like that, a decent partner will be ok that you're not in the mood, and you will feel able to say so.

“you might be in pain but I have needs. What am I on, rations? You’ve got to learn to compromise in a relationship and not just have sex when you want” He knew I had a gynae problem. Needless to say I ended that relationship but it put me off for a very long time and really messed with my head.

Sexual coercion/pressure is abuse. Glad you ended it. xxxxx

Sometimes I just wonder if I’m just an old fashioned prude!

No, you're right that a lot of men are sexually entitled and/or pretty obsessed with sex. They're disgusting and most women feel the same as you about them.

That a lot of men are sexually coercive cunts says something about them, not you. xxx

just needs to be with someone who is sensitive about my condition and likes me for me not just what he can get from me.

These men exist, I'm waiting for one too. CBA going out with the disrespectful sleazeballs anymore.

Embrace that you are picky in that you don't think you should have to put up with sexual coercion. That is a perfectly reasonable stance to take, and life without those who try and pressure us into sex

IS LIBERATING!

I understand this is not answering your question but I wanted to share this thread with you because it's so illuminating about how women are treated by the medical profession and how putting up with things is normalised.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a3402449-Aibu-to-ask-you-to-tell-me-your-experiences-of-being-dismissed-by-medics-as-a-sick-woman-I-promise-to-listen

Thank you NoMoreDickheads. That has made me feel so much better.

Whatifitallgoesright: I don’t have any problem with the medical profession. Have always felt like I’ve been taken seriously when I’ve gone to them about this.

I think throughout my life, I awash very confused with regards to sex, starting after the coercive relationship. I remember saying quietly to my mum “I think I have a problem with compromise” hoping she’d understand what I was talking about and hoping she’d say something like “you don’t have to let a man tell you what to do” but I don’t think she realised I meant “don’t wish to have sex when in pain and my boyfriend tells me I’m selfish when I’m actually in emotional turmoil”. Instead she went off muttering about how I was single cos I want it all my own road and won’t learn to give and take. I was so upset by this. I was at the age where all her friends grown up daughters were getting engaged and there I was splitting up with someone. My mum was very much of the mindset of everyone should get married by 25 and stop married. I think it took her a while to realise that my generation don’t really do that anymore. There was a bit of “how can I hold my head up in the supermarket “ stuff when I was that age. I don’t for one second think she realised I was talking about sex, as she seems very much on my side that way. Most people including my mom and dad always worried about me because I was very shy and a bit of a people pleaser etc they worried I would be walked all over. I don’t understand why they were making me out to be a selfish person just for wanting rights over my own body. They didn’t even like that partner anyway, kept urging me to end it...so go figure!!! I remember my Dad overheard something and said “be fair! It’s give and take in a relationship!” I know that, but sex when you don’t want to....isn’t there a word for that beginning with R the 2nd biggest crime you can commit! My mum did tell me stuff like “men will have a higher sex drive than women, but if you love him you just have to get on with it as it’s only fair, and if he’s a good man he’ll do things you can’t like fix stuff in your house if they’re broken etc” so this is the kind of waffle I had to listen to when I was younger, seemingly only a few short years after being made to feel “sex is bad. Don’t go out with boys who only want one thing. Just say no”. Needless to say, I ended up pretty screwed up about it all in my 20s and pretty much had a nervous breakdown and couldn’t tell anyone what had really triggered my depression and anxiety. I also remember my mum casually telling a friend “Ceri is single as she’s very fussy and doesn’t like to compromise, and I think you have to give and take in a relationship” I was fuming...as I knew the context I’d made the compromise comment in (I’ll happily compromise on anything, I’m a really fair minded person!) I was so upset that this family friend now probably saw me as a bad selfish person and I’m not. Sorry just going off on a rant now. Thought I was over all this and in a much mentally healthier place now.

Rant away OP! It's good to let it out.

That's how therapy helped me, it was like my thoughts (concerning my overbearing parents too actually) were on a loop in my head, and therapy diverted them on to another path. Those thoughts didn't go away as such, but they are more distant now and have less effect on me.
I can't recommend it enough TBH.

Also, try not to worry what other people think. Chances are they don't think anything at all. People think of themselves most of the time I find. Not in a horrible way, just that we're all busy going about our business that any thoughts we do have of people outside our immediate circles are pretty fleeting. And if they did think anything mean, then quite frankly fuck 'em!

Thank you. I think it’s the lockdown and the effect it’s having on me, making me reflect on my life a LOT. You are all really supportive