Falling in love with a woman

[Pianostrings]

I wanted to ask if you are straight (or thought you were) but you have ended up falling in love with a woman.

I have 3 supposedly straight friends who have left their marriages in the last 5 years because of this and that's been on my mind a lot because of a woman I've now grown close to.

I have definitely always considered myself to be straight. But I think I have developed feelings for a woman I work with. We are both in our 40's. I'm single but she's going through a divorce and I don't anticipate anything is going to happen, just to be clear, because I think I'm not brave enough to go there and partly because I'm very confused. I don't fantasize about sleeping with her. I have never fantasized about women in that generally - I love men in that regard. We had a very difficult time at work last year with something sad happening and we work in a v small team and the connection that has grown out of that has been very intense. I now find it difficult spending time with her because it feels so intense. I think she's incredibly beautiful and I think about her a lot when we aren't together. There is a very special connection there and she has hinted she has feelings for me on several occasions. The air is electric when it's just us and we make eye contact.

I just can't understand myself. If read what I've written above I'd see someone who is falling in love but then why doesn't that translate to clearer sexual feelings? I picture being physically close to her - kissing her, being very tactile but not actually having a sexual relationship with her. That does nothing for me. I don't want to not be in a sexual relationship with a man ever again.

There must be others who have experienced this who can give me some advice or people who felt like this did start up a relationship. If I had any choice I would choose to feel sexually attracted to her but it's not that simple. I would feel v nosy asking the friends who have ended up with women but I am considering chatting to them.

Hey, I understand.

I'm married with kids however I've got a strong connection to my close friend. We are both attracted to each other and if I was single I'd definitely be going for it.

We are both in relationships though so all we will ever be is the best of friends.

We are both closet bisexuals anyway so there's way too much going on.

I understand though, I've always been attracted to women but never really had a connection like I do with her.

Sorry I don't have any advice as I've not taken the plunge. But if I was single I'd probably be seeing if she would be interested in taking the friendship to that level.

I think feeling desire for a man and desire for a woman are very different, even if you are someone who experiences both. And of you’ve never had sex (or good sex) with a woman - I can’t tell of this is you from your op - how would you know what to fantasise about?

I was always very straight, in a very diverse group of friends. But with a more mature sense of what I desire (rather than the thrill of being desired by men) I can totally imagine falling for a woman. No idea what I’d do about it though.

I’m happily married to my DH and we have nearly 11 month old twins. However, I would consider myself bisexual and had a relationship with a girlfriend before I met my husband. Perhaps you don’t feel that sexual attraction because you have never been with a woman before and never thought of a woman in that way? If your relationship was to develop, perhaps that will come? My advice would be to try and not worry about it and just see where it goes. Over time I’m sure things will become clearer!

I did it too - left my DH because of having a crush on a (unsuspecting and straight) woman, and then realising that I am, in fact, and have always been gay.
I have never had any relationship with a woman yet, so can't comment on any details. So, sorry that I can't be of much help.

If you both single and both have feelings for each other - go for it and see where it takes you :) I find that overthinking and overanalysing often leads to anxiety. If you find that it's all romantic and sexually it doesn't work for you - then you will know, and you will be able to stop wondering. Good luck :)

Thank you for the responses. No I've never slept with a woman. It is hard to imagine - I have just been texting a friend who has always known she's bisexual and she said she feels very differently about the experience of sleeping with women to sleeping with men so that's interesting.

I disagree with the opinion that you dont fantastize because you havent had sex with a woman. I fantasized of both men a d women before i had ever had sex as a virgin teen and without looking at porn or anything like that.
You sound like you see something maternal in her or that her love and acceptance of you and closeness gives you some comfort like an unresolved childhood thing.

It could well be that SallyMae. The thought had crossed my mind so it needs more thought.

You can have chemistry with men and women but that doesn't mean you're bi.

More likely she likes you and is an intense person and you are just picking up on that...electric.

I like men but occasionally when a gay woman has shown interest, I've felt a bit giddy. Its intoxicating to feel...seen like that, I suppose.

I've also had odd girl mate I've felt really possessive of almost. Like a girl crush. Because she is really cool and I care about her.

Imagine both those things at once. You could easily mistake it for attraction.

I guess for pansexual people it's all about the soul and I can totally understand that. But I have no desire to have sex with women. And having experimented with the occasional boozie snog in college years, it did nothing for me.

I'd be willing to bet it's the same for you in that you dont like women, even though it can still be intoxicating when a cool one likes you.

Hi OP,

I am about to turn 35 and up until two years ago had only ever been with men. Although a very small part of me had always questioned my sexuality (as I never really felt one hundred percent turned on by the men I dated/had relationships with) I never found myself attracted to women in the slightest and the thought of doing anything sexual with a woman made me feel physically sick.

Then two years ago I met a woman at work who I got to know very well and became close friends with. We started to socialise and whenever we would hang out she always made it very clear she was attracted to me (although she herself had also never been with a woman). This initially freaked me out and again, made me feel sick. But as time went on I started to find myself fantasying about her coming on to me and on one drunken evening she did. We kissed for over six hours but did nothing sexual and for some time after my head was all over the place.

However, over the two years things slowly developed to the point we are now in a sexual relationship - but I still have times where I question my sexuality. Only a couple of people in my life know I am "bi" and I do not know whether I could ever truly come out and live life in an openly lesbian relationship (I am very clear about this with her and she knows where she stands with me). However, I also do not know if I could ever sleep with a man again. The sex is completely different with a woman and I am not sure I could "go back".

So basically, I can completely understand how confusing this must all be for you. But I would say if you are questioning your feelings for this woman there is obviously something to it and my advice would be to talk to each other. Of course it will be awkward and you don't want to ruin your friendship but you never know until you try something.
And hopefully; if you decide it is not what you want, you will be able to laugh about it together and write it off as an experience.

OP, we are of similar age. I think female sexuality can be very fluid. Most of us are brought up to consider ourselves straight and follow the path we are guided to.

I don’t think l’ve ever been in love with a woman, l use the term “in love” sparingly but strong emotions and sexual passion have been there.

In my teens we used to have “kissing practice” with other girls, so we would be good kissers for our boyfriends; perhaps a bit yucky but we were young! Maybe l enjoyed that a little more than l admitted though.

I don’t like giving myself a label but it is fair to say l am passed the curious stage. When in my 30s, (l’m in my 40s now) l was beautifully and deliciously seduced by another woman while away on a work trip. It was as much as a surprise as it was an eye opener. I’ve had friendships with both genders since, so l suppise that makes me bi.

OP, look online for the Kinsey Scale, it can be quite a self revelation l cut straight (wrong word!) down the middle.

Finally, follow your heart and your intincts, the world can be fun.

When the current situation subsides give her a big hug and see what happens. You may then need to have a little conversation.

Thank you. I appreciate getting other peoples' thoughts. I will let the dust settle with her divorce a bit first and see what happens then.

The additional beauty is that nobody can “read” a female body like another woman!