Is there such a thing as right guy wrong time?

[loured]

Hi everyone,

I really feel like I’m stuck moving on from someone that felt like right guy but just the wrong time. I’ll explain as briefly as I can- met a guy on tinder last year who was the ex of a friend from years ago so I knew of him. We started talking and really clicked. We both said neither of us have had a connection this well before and it’s rare to find. But we both had just split from our partners within the last 2 months. He disappeared and 5 months later gets back in touch. We meet this time. We get on and like each other- holding hands etc. But he moves to London which was on the cards months before anyway. We both work in the same profession. We kept in touch during lockdown with FaceTime- always over an hour and did virtual dates. Then his ex’s father in law died which he was upset about and his brother just had a baby. I was meant to visit this week in June but he asked if he can “push it back” because his head is still all over the place. He said he clearly likes me a lot but doesn’t want a relationship so soon after and hasn’t been single for 7 years.
Of course I totally understand this. I have a few things going on too. So I said I’ll give him space.
Thing is I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. He’s still on my Facebook and he reads my stories nearly every time. I know he’s been back home a couple of times too.
I don’t want to he thinking about him and I want to try and date other people and carry on with my life but it’s tough when I found someone I really liked and he liked me too? Is he right guy but just wrong time? I really don’t know.

He's saying his ex 's father in law died and his brother had just had a baby, as excuses for not seeing you?
I suspected he 'd just not that keen , tbh, those are weird reasons not to meet up with someone.d
Sorry.

He isn't the right guy.

If he was you would be one of his priorities.

It sounds like he uses you to alleviate his boredom, and he is leading you on.

When it's right, it just isnt this difficult.

Im sorry but ex father in law? Brothers baby? Sounds like normal life to me. How much face to face contact have you had with this man? How much has been online?

His exs father in law...lol talk about scraping the barrel for excuses for sympathy/not to see you.

He isn't looking for a relationship, he has told you.
He doesn't like you enough.

Block him and move on or he'll screw you around for as long as you'll let him.

Dont think if you hang about he will decide he wants a relationship. That way madness lies. Life is too short for the drama that will ensue.

I think it can be too soon for a relationship but I also think that if you really like someone you can't help yourself jumping in anyway, which isn't necessarily a good thing. I think it's best to date other people and leave thoughts of him on the back burner for now.

I think you should take him at his word. He probably does like you but he is not looking for a relationship.

In my experience, if this is how it is now, it's not going to change. If he can't get over this now, in the first flush when everything seems so great, then it's unlikely to happen. It's not like suddenly he will wake up and decide he's ready for a relationship, I know that's the hope but in real life it rarely happens. If it does, he'll want to meet someone new.

My advice is to properly move on (no social media) and try to find someone else. I know it's not easy to find someone you really like but this is not the only guy out there for you!

Sorry, those reasons are pretty weak. If he liked you enough, none of that would figure.

You should concentrate on the part where he said he doesn’t want a relationship.

Block him and move on.

I don’t think it’s right guy wrong time in this case sorry. He just doesn’t want to be with you.

One thing I've learnt about men is that when they say they dont want a relationship they mean it! It seems to be code for I'm happy to see you until someone I really like comes along.

You would know if he was interested - he'd be desperate to see you. Sorry, OP, but anyone who says they can't see you because their ex's father in law died just isn't interested. (I'm still trying to work this out - is it their ex's new partner's father? Otherwise wouldn't it be his own father?)

@Mermaidwaves
100% agree with this. It’s a kind of you’ll do for now. You’re likely being held in reserve because who doesn’t like having someone around who is interested in them. It’s a very immature thing to do on his part.

He’d likely be an awful boyfriend when ‘the one’ does (possibly) turn up. He’ll always think he’s more important. He’ll also put her up on a pedestal and then be angry when she doesn’t conform to the personality he’s written for her. Then he’ll lose all respect for her and be on the hunt for the next one.

Phew, rant over. Sorry about that. It may not be that he is like that but experience (and that includes having good relationships which are the reverse) tell me that odds are you should be extracting yourself from this. I don’t know you but you deserve better! You should be asking yourself also, would you take the same actions he has and if this was happening to a friend what would your advice be to them?

Anyone who gets in touch months later is going through the black book. Suspect he is with someone else and trying to disengage that

I think you can meet the one but not at the right time but this isn't one of these times.

He is displaying behaviour towards you that really should be pinging your self worth radar.

He isn't showing you he is the one he is showing you that when he fancies it it's nice to have you around but the rest of the time he doesn't have enough interest to be arsed with you. He can't even be bothered to come up with a really good excuse.

Move on and find someone who really shows you that you are someone they want to build a life with.

The right guy would move heaven and earth to be with you no matter the circumstances (which sound like weak excuses)

I've experienced a flaky guy recently and it was help. Move on. Delete his number and try and remove yourself from any linked social media. It's unfortunate but the more you dwell the worse it feels. Just think of him as your 'rebound' relationship, and one step closer to a more fulfilling one.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I’ve read them all and had time to think. I think a lot of you are right. It is true- if I waited around for someone then that way is indeed the way madness lies.

I’ve since seen he’s back home this weekend near me and not reached out so I’m going to move on now. I just need to face the cold hard facts that he said no to me. Rejection hurts but I do believe what’s meant for me won’t pass me by.

I deserve better and I need to start seeing the red flags as what they are. He told me on FaceTime that “there’s a lot going on” when I asked how his ex was with her dads death and he was quite defensive about it. Even though I was asking from a kind caring place- it touched a nerve with him for some reason like i overstepped the mark. That was a big flag to me and I don’t need to be part of that.

Thanks for the responses everyone :)

Yes. Between the ages of 16 to 18 I had a boyfriend 3 years older. He was really kind and funny and made an effort but I was a bit immature. I was just starting to try alcohol, partying with friends etc and he felt he had already done that so he broke up with me. I was devastated but learned from it. He wanted to settle down and he married his next girlfriend, I'm happy for him. I'm sure if we had met later we would still be together. I had a marriage with a narcissist after him but luckily with a really nice guy now.

I had similar with a friend of an ex from 20 years ago who I'd always got on well with and we matched on tinder. It took me a while to realise he just wasn't that into me, I initially kept him as a friend on fb, but i was occasionally checking his fb, so I made myself unfriend him and because his fb is pretty shut down I couldn't see anything and it helped me get over him quicker.