The one that never goes away & baby plans

[luxelife]

Many years ago I met someone I’ve not been able to stop thinking about.

After dating on and off for years, we did try a relationship. Full steam ahead, met his DD and developed a good relationship with her and our extended families. I was on cloud 9....until I wasn’t. It was a lot to take in and things moved quickly because we already knew each other so well. He wanted me to move out to where they are and I was worried about being alone there whilst he was at work and being away from my family (he lives a bit further out).

Secondly, the arrangement with his ex isn’t in any way formalised and she really takes the biscuit and weighs in unexpectedly, or not- he is the full time parent. Needless to say my fears made me a bit of a nightmare; his tolerance for that was low and so it ended. I regret this now as he was and still is what I want and I should have been more reasonable. But equally, he shouldn’t have been such a quitter at that stage and understood that the situation wasn’t easy for someone to come into! It needed more understanding on both sides.

However, we still see each other casually now. I don’t think he wants to go back down the relationship route again.

I’m now 30. For me, shop is shut for dating because I’m still hung up on this guy and it isn’t fair on other people. I’ve tried all kinds of relationships with lots of different people but I’m just kidding myself every time. I’ve tried cutting him out so I can have a fresh start with dating but it never lasts longer than 6-9 months. I’ve accepted it!

Now, I really do want to have children and am adamant that the state of my love life won’t stop me from starting a family. I’ve began looking into IUI and going it alone as a single mumma. I figured it was better to have a baby alone than with someone that isn’t the guy I want. I can’t keep waiting and hoping for that relationship to work out. I don’t believe the issues are impossible to resolve and many of them were temporary, but it’s too up in the air.

I feel like I’m in a strange category- choosing assisted fertility not due to complications or chronic singeldom as such...but because my heart is with someone else. I feel that it is the most honest thing to do and something I can actually justify to my child if they ask why they don’t have a dad.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Am I being selfish?

The advice over the years from friends and family was always to cut ties and move on, but now even they know that this guy and I don’t leave each other alone and that although the heart wants what it wants, it doesn’t always get it and the body clock is a ticking!

How long did your relationship last and how long ago did you break up?

This is a very strange situation and, frankly, makes you come off as a bit immature. You’re 30; you have time to find a new partner and start a family, you have time to go it alone if you wish, but before you have a child I would think about having some therapy. This whole ‘one true love but it didn’t work out, thus I must suffer forever’ is pretty juvenile. If you broke up over those petty and completely solvable reasons, I’m willing to bet you’re not soulmates.

@RantyAnty all in all it’s been 7 years. The ‘relationship’ part was one year amongst that, and it ended a year ago.

@LondonCrone I’ve been in therapy for 14 years for childhood trauma. I’ve been in love before and after my time with this guy. However, the two happiest relationships other than this one were with people who ended up unable to have kids... 30 may seem like just the beginning, but at this stage I am exhausted

I actually kinda understand your thinking behind having a baby, my friend is contemplating the same thing.
If you know that you can give a child a stable and loving home then why shouldn’t you? Support is key with a baby, do you have supportive family and friends who will be able to help you and give you a break?
Having a baby with a guy is no guarantee that it will work out and could cause more damage to the child in the long run...
I wouldn’t dismiss the idea of finding a partner later on down the line as we change so much as individuals over the years.

@MummaBear90 yes absolutely, I have an amazing family who are so on board with me becoming a mother, whatever way that may come about. I am in a great position to start a family other than the small matter of romantic relationships that’s why I was thinking of just putting it all the back burner and going it alone

It's such a personal thing. If you want to go it alone do it but it's best to do all the research beforehand and prepare yourself for the questions that would be asked once your child is old enough. You could always speak to this man and see what he really wants.

The baby thing is a separate issue, but family etc were all right, they just probably thought there was no point telling you anymore.

@SpillTheTeaa is right maybe, you could tell him how you feel and ask whether he's up for a proper relationship. If not, you could reply that you have to block him because life is passing you by because of your feelings for him. Then block him on everything and keep him blocked.

From what you said, you had/have great feelings for him and saw him as the one.
Unfortunately, he doesn't see it the same way you do. If he did, he would have been with you already.

I 2nd the idea of counseling with someone different so you can move on with your life.

Your family talked sense and have proved to be right all this time. You know you should cut the connection to move on, take the big pain of it to heal in the future. By seeing him you are never going to get him out of your system, it's not because he's your soulmate, or you have a special 'thing', it's exactly because you keep contacting each other, you've both got too much nostalgia about each other and need to look forward separately.
Cut ties, for ever, not just 6-9 months, if you can do that, then you can focus on IVF in a year or 2. Think what you want more, a life of lymerance or to be a mum? If it's the latter, focus on that and dismiss the other. I wonder if in some way you may be aiming to identify with his life of being a full time parent, if this is a driver for your own wish to be a mother its not a great reason tbh. Have a think, be honest with yourself and discuss in therapy. Keep away from him, give it time, then pursue IVF route when you are sure it's just for you, to complete your life whithout him being a factor.

Cut him out.
Get more counselling.
Find things that bring you joy.

Then think about a baby.

Politely put as possible, do not bring a baby into this mess.

You are only 30 you have a couple of years before fertility really becomes a pressing issue. I think it's selfish to knowingly and deliberately bring a child into the world denying them a father just because you want one and can't be bothered to go out and form a relationship with someone with whom having a family is a natural progression

If he was "the one" you would never have broken up in the first place

OP, my one piece of advice would be to research Limerence - once you recognise what it is you will be able to change.
I say this as someone who has been deep in Limerence before and still sometimes struggle. However I am in a long term commited relationship with 2 children and I'm telling you you can overcome it!