new baby, toxic relationship, he pushes me to the limit where i hit. things are F*cked i need advice

[Jaz12345x]

Hi, im writing this because ive just had a big argument with my partner and im at my last straw with it all. i just want to leave.

My partner doesnt help me, when the baby was born and he had 2 weeks off he helped me for about 3 days and then played his game from the moment he woke up till about 5am in the morning, on rare occasions he would get me something like a nappy or fill the bath up. He left rubbish everywhere, told me i was being fake when i was crying with big contractions and was annoyed he had to have the baby during it. I had postnatal depression and 3rd degree stitches and he just didnt understand how hard i was dealing with it all. just 1 week before the baby arrived i moved away from my family to be with him, im young and have never had the resposbility of a house so it was a lot and i was also away from them all, i was haveing a bad time breastfeeding too.
Id get so upset and stressed, id be exhausted juggling everything whilst he played his game and complained when i asked for help, he would say his friends need him and that hes busy which is why he cant help me. Id get get so angry because hed even leave me on micriphone so all his friends could listen, theyd make small comments about me and some would laugh at me after. Id turn his mic of telling him to come help and hed laugh, mock me or angrily tell to fuk off because ge was busy whilst switching it back on. Id get so stressed that id just brust in tears and start to scream at him, haveing a full on break down and he would blank me and not hear me or care, or whilst im on micriphone.The more the shouting went on and the more he would blank me and not care about what i was saying, id snap and id hit him, id pick his controller up and throw it. Id loose my shit :/ i know thats so bad especially with the baby... its so toxic and i dont want this for my little girl. When this happens he will storm upsrairs and like, now im really not helping. Ar the end of it i end up feeling guilty because he didnt say anything wrong? and im the one who went mental so i say sorry. the cycle continues.

He does love her, you can really tell but he runs away and gets defensive when he has to have any responsibilty. Ive started leaving him with her whilst i go shopping one a week for a couple hours, when i come home he gets angry and sometimes refuses ro help me put the shopping away because i was too long and she cried for ages... even though he knows i pumped a bottle.

Before things blew up too :/ the little one had been up since 2am meaning i was to, partner was fast asleep. i asked him at 7am if he can get up with her so i can have an hour to sleep, i was being picked up in 2 hours to go shopping to buy HIS food and was getting a really bad headache. He tried for 10mins, then said shes hungry. i breastfed her and she didnt want any, i turn around and hes going asleep. im basicly asking him to get up, he tells me hes tierd though and thibgs intensify. He walks down to make food, i follow asking him to have ger he turns gis back to me and says ni im hungry now. i hit his back.

Its so toxic and bad for the baby, i always feel like i cause it but he antagonizes me. I want to leave but at the same time i dont, i love him. Why is he like this, i know im in the wrong too and dont help the situation either.

I can't believe what people are focusing on is the throwing of a controller and solely the OP's violence in a situation where she is being utterly abused and isolated by this fucknut. Blah blah her hitting is unacceptable we all know this, but his shitty behaviour is TOTALLY unacceptable, and she needs help. OP you need to get away from him if you possibly can, he is pushing you on purpose and neglecting his own child. I really feel for you, and i don't think you are a bad person, you are just overwhelmed and being pushed beyond endurance and used by your partner, who should know better. You are not a toxic person. Your violence is a response to abuse, not a good response but all you will get on here is a lot of holier-than-thou from people who have not been bullied like you are being bullied by this fucker - who can't even feed his own hungry baby. It sounds like you're absolutely exhausted and need to remove yourself from a situation that's bringing out the worst in you. Hugs because I know what this is like.

Pack yourself and baby up and leave this fuckwit yesterday.

He's not ready to be a parent and you seriously need to get away from him so you can bring you child up in a calm environment. Babies are like sponges taking everything in.

I know you're stressed and exhausted but you must stop hitting him. It's not going to achieve anything.

The best thing you could do for your baby is move back to your family. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to?

@Escapetab -100% agree with you. I created an account just so I can reply to you OP. I was in a situation almost IDENTICAL to yours. He was lovely until we had our DS. Once DS arrived. My ex would sleep through all night feeds. He used to tell me “I go to work- that’s my job. Your job is to look after DS so shut up and do the job that I pay for you to do.” One day I went out to buy nappies when DS was about 4 months old. I came home to find DS screaming in his travel crib- poo all up his back while my ex was playing a football game on the computer. I cleaned up DS and went to the fridge to discover ex had “forgotten” to feed him. I went ballistic as it wasn’t the first time. He wouldn’t even watch OUR baby so I could take a shower.
This went on for about two years. I used to cry out of frustration and beg for help only to be told that I “can’t handle being a mother.” I got so angry I literally grabbed his T-shirt and ripped it off his back.... I’m NOT a violent person AT ALL and I’m not proud of what I did but when you are pushed to your limits it’s hard to keep your cool. I broke up with him shortly after that as I hated the person I was becoming with him. It was hard and scary in the beginning but it was the BEST thing I could have done for my DS and myself. You WILL be ok if you leave. It won’t be easy but it WILL be so worth it. X

I agree with Escapetab. This guy is awful and it's him that's bringing out the worst in you. I understand the frustration you must feel that's causing you to lash out, and i guarantee if you were with a decent man you would not be like this. It is a response to being abused. Don't feel bad about what you've done, fuck that, he doesn't deserve it. But do realise that this is not a healthy environment for you and your child. Leave. Go back to your family, where you are loved. Because this dick sure as hell doesn't love you. Probably doesn't even know what love is.

You need to leave as your behaviour could get you into trouble and as a mum you can afford to risk that.

You are responsible for your behaviour. If he refuses to help you only have 2 choices, 1. Accept it and do everything solo unless he offers to help

1. Leave as you know he won't change because he doesn't want to.

You have had a baby with a lazy irresponsible man who just wants his life to continue as before. He might like the status of having a child but won't put the effort in. He is selfish, it really is that simply.

OP your behaviour is way out of line and you should take responsibility for that. Just because you are frustrated, it doesn't mean that it's ok to assault people. What are you going to do when your child doesn't do what you want, are you going to slap her around?

Your partner isn't interested OP. It doesn't matter how many times you scream at him and throws things around in a tantrum, he's still not going to be interested. You need to start look at other ways forward here rather than by having tantrums.

It sounds as though you need support. Have you spoken to your health visitor or GP? You're tired and may be suffering from depression. I suggest you speak to someone for an assessment.

If you have a supportive family then see if you can stay with them for a while so you can rest and recuperate. You'll feel a lot better once you've had some proper sleep and food.

You need to dump your partner. He's a selfish child who should never have become a father and he doesn't give a toss about you.

People criticising the OP for 'being violent'...did you read nothing else in her post?? Absolutely agree with everything @Escapetab wrote. This young woman has just had her first baby, she's dealing with the extreme sleep deprivation that not all.of us are unlucky enough to experience (I did and it was hell) and her partner is an immature man child. She's at the end of her tether and maybe suffering from PND? Try and use some perspective, please.

OP, my DD didn't sleep for her first year, well, not for more than 2 hours at a time. I was cracking up and would be furious at my DH. And he was doing everything he could to help. So i hope that shows you that it's a bloody tough time as it is, and if your OH isn't on board, then it's even worse.

Please, leave. Even if it's a temporary thing. Please go back to your family if you can, it's really important you get the support you deserve. Good luck, you have done nothing wrong

@ColourMeExhausted yes her partner is a complete waste of space but violence is never, ever the answer.
Can you imagine if a man had written what she had?

But a man didn't write it.

A man didn't write about how he was caring single-handedly for a baby, having moved away from his family a week before the baby was born, and that the baby's father sat playing video games all day and night, refusing to help with the baby and encouraging his friends to mock his partner who has PND.

Even if he did, the advice to get out of the situation now would be the same.

OP, go back to your family, or stay with a friend. You can't factor him into support either you or your child, so don't, look to other people.

Read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?".

For God's sake don't hit him. That's playing tight into his hands.

You need to move out of there urgently.

*right into his hands