I'm thinking of breaking up with the father of my child

[catnaps1995]

Title says it all really.

There are various reasons as to why but the biggest one is I think we just aren't compatible and he pretends to be someone he is not. I also think he is emotionally abusive at times. I'm starting to feel I'm better off without him and life would be simpler.

Problem is that we have a daughter together. I am nervous how often I'd see her if we broke up and how that'd effect my relationship with her. She is 10 months and currently breastfed. She doesn't go to sleep without boob. I am the main carer but I know my partner would fight to see her as often as he could. Normally that is a good thing but I worry about how he will cope on his own and his emotional abusive side around her. He loves her a lot more than he loves me (which is the way it should be) so I am not too worried about him treating her badly. He's more likely to overly treat her like a princess and also try and wrap her up in bubble wrap metaphorically. I just worry as one time I left her with him and he panicked and drove her to me in his car with the air bag on at the front. I had to get a taxi back with her and he didn't understand how dangerous it is to have an infant in the front seat with the airbag on. He said that cause he was driving carefully it was fine and he felt like he had no other option. He gets stressed and snappy when she cries, not at her but at me. Anyway I just worry how he'll be with her when I'm not around and I am worried about how often I'll see her. I think even one night a week I would cry over not being with her.
What is everyone else's experiences with going it alone? I'm interested in everyone's response but particularly people who have left emotionally abusive relationship?
Please no hate

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and this relationship is over anyway because of his abuse towards you and in turn your daughter. He will emotionally harm her too by treating her as a princess and or wrapping her in cotton wool.

You should not stay with this man just because you have a child by him. Staying for the sake of the child is rarely a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one. Do not do this to yourself or her. You are her primary carer still. Seek legal advice re contact arrangements and formalise those through the court system.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

She needs to grow up seeing good and positive lessons on relationships. All that you and he will do if you are together is teach her a lot of damaging crap re same. Would you want her to have such a crap relationship as an adult, no you would not and it’s not good enough for you either.

Use services like Women’s Aid and the Rights of Women for additional support and advice on your situation.

I thought he was going to change. He is doing therapy. Part of me still thinks he is and doesn't believe that he is emotionally abusive.
To other people he is a "nice" guy and his emotional abuse is very very subtle. I go back and forth to thinking yes it is emotional abuse to no he is just having a hard time. Either way I don't want to be treated how I am by him and I wouldn't want my daughter to be treated how I am. I am classed as a vulnerable adult though and I don't know how I would do it on my own. Still I seems the only option. I'm sad for my daughter. I love her so much. I also don't know how I am going to do this. I need to choose the right time and plan it. Either way I am going to look like the bad guy. Everything is going to blow up. I am scared. Sorry for the word vomit

Why does he get cross at you when she is crying can he cope on his own.

He gets stressed. He doesn't like it when she cries. He gets snappy at me because he is stressed and me trying to help him only makes him snappy even more which in turn stressed out our daughter even more. I don't think he will cope the best in his own no. He has had her for a full day twice but I don't know how he will cope at night time with her.

Easier said than done to leave your children with someone who is not a stable or competent parent

To other people he is a "nice" guy and his emotional abuse is very very subtle. I go back and forth to thinking yes it is emotional abuse to no he is just having a hard time.

Feel free to mention some of it here so we can give you support with it.

I am classed as a vulnerable adult though and I don't know how I would do it on my own

You'll be fine, professionals can support you if you need it. I have a severe mental health disability and I live alone quite happily.

This bloke isn't helping your health or helping you cope.

He is not going to change.

Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world, it is behind closed doors that their true abusive nature emerges.

Where are your family here, friends?

As for therapy, that is not going to work either. What therapy is he having anyway, is it anger management?. That is no answer to what you are describing. He does this to you because he can and this works for him. This individual targeted you deliberately and he knows you are a vulnerable adult (and as such more likely to become abused). You need protection from him and there are organisations like the above in my post who can help you and your daughter.

Stop hugging me- what does that mean? Are you having a go at me?

I don't think she (presume she) is, I think.shes saying she sympathises with your predicament in wanting to separate but being v worried about your dp having you little one in his own.

Why couldn't he turn the airbag off (I think it's possible to do that, isn't it?) or attach the seat in the back of the car?

Shouting at you when you're already trying to cope with a crying child .. dickhead.

I think you can stop overnights at least while you're still breast feeding, big best to.check with womens aid.

*having your little one on his own

It's difficult reading text. Sometimes it comes across as sarcasm. I am contacting woman's aid tomorrow

Well that's how I was interpreting it,not sure if I'm right. That poster would have to clarify.

@catnaps1995
No.

Far from it
I know myself it’s a dreadful dilemma
Emotionally abusive men often play dice with their kids to keep you down at heel

Yes I am a she
Yes @GilbertMarkham you are indeed correct

Thank You

Oh op, I was where you are last year. Listen to @AttilaTheMeerkat it was actually one of her comments, sorry Attila I'm assuming you're a she, that helped me leave.

You cant stay, it'll just grind you down and your daughter needs at least one stable happy healthy parent. With regards to contact when you do split, well that is something entirely different and depends on if your partner is willing to do what is in the best interest of dd.

It'll work out though, leaving was the best yet hardest thing Ive had to do but I do not regret it for a second.

Mumtoone1989- that's lovely that you managed to get out the other side. Can I ask, how often does your child see their father?

@catnaps1995, I have sent you a PM just because I don't want to be identified