Advice please - dc havent seen their father for months - way forward?

[fajitasrock]

Hi everyone, I'm hoping to get some outside opinions on my situation at the moment. Sometimes you can be so wrapped up in things, I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing by my children. I may be a bit vague in some ways but that's so its not too identifying so forgive me.
I am in the process of divorcing dh, we have been separated over 2 years due to his heavy drinking and drug taking. We have two dc, age 9 and 11.
When he was with the children I asked that he refrained from drinking and taking drugs - he would regularly pass out when we were together and no amount of shaking would rouse him so I thought this wasn't too much to ask.
He started off "on best behaviour" but slowly things slipped. He wouldn't give the dc clean clothes, make them wash, they would come back to me having not eaten breakfast, brushed their teeth or hair brushed.
This then came to a head when 6 months ago my dc who was ill went with him. She'd been poorly for several days which I told him about. He kept her out at a family member's house at a sleepover so he could drink at a family party. She needed a paramedic visit the next day when she came back to me and had to go to the hospital because she had got so much more poorly. She was definitely on the up when she left me after days of napping and calpol she was much perkier. She would have been allowed to stay up until whatever time she wanted while the adults drank and would have had a raging temperature that no one would have noticed while she was asleep. Over the next day or two I was looking through my other child's phone to see drugs scales in the background while she was at his house.
When I said to him that I would be seeking advice about the best way forward for him to see the dc in a safe way he threatened to kill me and said he had tracked my car.
I sent a letter through my solicitor that I needed to see some action from him to address his issues - ie, drugs, drink, mental health and have heard nothing since.
His family have been more active than he has and regularly spout off about me keeping the children from having a relationship with their father.
I just want them to be safe and well looked after. Not just present while he drinks and smokes himself into a stupor.
He has not been in touch to suggest a way forward and I'm fed up of having to facilitate his parenting when he can't even keep himself straight for two days a week while he has the children.
He hasn't seen them for 6 months now - I thought he would have sorted himself out to be able to see them.
I feel sad for my dc that they aren't able to have a loving and nurturing relationship with their father. I feel such a huge amount of responsibility that I am doing the right thing for the dc so I'd love for you to share your thoughts.

He is an addict and for him the drink and drugs come first. That is what his primary relationship is still with and he is showing no indications either of wanting to stop. Only he can do that and he does not want to. His thoughts centre around where the next drink and or drug fix is going to come from.

You’re divorcing him due to addiction and I would keep your children well away from him, they do not need to see this from their dad. They’ve seen more than enough already. His own family should not have any influence over you either and I would block them from contacting you.

Thank you for responding.
I think I'm just having a wobble after the latest petition that one of them has posted on social media that 'children need both parents'.
I just hate the injustice of it, it's all my fault - why can't he get himself straight and then have a relationship with his children?!

You are doing what every good parent would do and that is protecting your children.

It doesn't sound safe or healthy for them to be with a regular drug and alcohol user.

You need to get it absolutely clear that you are not acting out of malice or selfishness, but in the interests of your children. Really think it through what your daughter must have gone through to need hospital treatment. If your ex was a childminder that you'd left them with social services would be involved.

If you had a boyfriend that took drugs and drank I bet his family would be very vocal about that too!

It is not your choice and it is sad but you have no option to restrict contact until he gets clean. That may never happen sadly.

Why is any of this your fault. This is all on him, he is the one with the addictions. It’s all about the addiction, nothing else matters to an addict. He had to want to get clean of his own accord and do that for his own self, not his children. He does not want to get clean and he may never do so. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink and or take drugs afterwards. There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism.

Don’t waiver. You are doing the right thing by your children by keeping him away from them.

Ignore the rubbish posted on their social media.

As pp said he is a addict.
Which is a self destructive spiral only thinking about himself.
I have no idea how and what the situation legally means.
I know you are wanting it to be right for the contact but that is not happening and for now best for the children given his lifestyle.
No one can control or predict how the other parent will be after a separation,, always one has to cause undue problems.
Looking at the families social media is not worth it and maybe limit if not delete this out of your life, they are his family they can throw out all sorts memes, comments is it really something you need. His choices ruined your marriage. Children need both parents when ones not self destructive.
I wouldn't be pushing contact until he is straightening out his life, last thing I would want is my child around dodgy behaviour.
Call rather than write to a lawyer.
Get yourself some support and this may last for years of instability on his part.

Seems like not seeing him is in their best interests at the moment, I'm not sure why you're torturing yourself about it. It's not your fault, it's his. He knows what he needs to do and has made no effort.

Block his family on social media. What's the point of looking at what they're saying?

Does his family not know he's an addict? Maybe it's time you told them, they might lay off you and give him some support.

Ideally yes children do need two parents but it isnt you who is stopping that OP. It isnt your fault that he isnt a father to them. You are doing the right thing

You're safeguarding you dc OP, well done!

Tbh I'm quite surprised you don't seem to be contemplating going to court to stop all direct contact. There is a serious risk of harm to the children, from what you've said.

Agree with @category12. Block the social media.

From my perspective as a child growing up- my mum divorced my alcoholic gambler father. We (me and my twin brother) carried on visiting him maybe... for a weekend a month? Then school holidays only. And even then he couldn't keep straight. I liked my dad. I never noticed he was drunk or tipsy. He was a happy drunk and great with watching kids telly with us, playing, drawing, farting games.. But. He was neglecting us all the same - I used to hear hushed conversations from other family members on how we had only been fed sweets all weekend. Or how I went to school with hair in a state that teacher had to step in and tie it up in a pony. I didn't care, from child's point of view, he was great. But the drinking escalated. A few times my paternal grandparents "rescued" us from his drunken presence and took us to their house instead.

At some point he stopped turning up for our birthday parties (he knew he would be asked to leave if he turned up drunk. So he chose to.. Drink. ) And then he stopped turning up at all. My brother and I were 7 or maybe 8 years old. We never saw him again. Just shows the power of addiction. His dad, our grandfather, assumed that father figure role and was over compensating almost by being the most loving, sensitive, generous grandpa in the world. He was lovely.
Our dad was never mentioned. Mum had 1 or 2 talks with us explaining what divorce is and that not all relationships work out. Said dad has a mental health problem that makes him drink so it's better if he's not around. But no badmouthing, no drama, barely any mention at all. And you know what? We coped. Actually did very well. Got on with our childhood.
As I got older I hoped he would never surface because that would need thought, drama, emotion.. He wouldn't deserve that.

I found out he had died a year after his factual death. I was thinking - I found out my dad died today. And I feel nothing...
Cracked on with my day.

The moral of the story (other than sharing a personal perspective) is that if he is a "bad egg" and allows you and the kids to have some distance, take it. It is not necessarily bad and hugely traumatic for the kids.

To this day I'm grateful to my mum for allowing me not to spend my teenage years in a flat with an alcoholic and I'm grateful to her for not letting any of the stress and anger (I bet there was quite some! ) to reach us kids.

Stay strong, you and your little ones

Will aaa, thank you for sharing your story. It's really reassuring to know that you have come out or the other side pretty unscathed.
His family know what he does, they make a huge amount of excuses for him - no idea why but he has a classic victim complex and they all enable that. I wonder if he is so fragile in his mental health that he couldn't cope with any tough love.
Thanks all for for your responses - I'll definitely stay away from the relatives of my ex's social media.... it does me no good.
I can't make him put the dc first, thankfully, because he hasn't had that much of an input into their lives they seem to be doing ok.
It's so hard to know what to tell them about why they aren't seeing him at the moment.
What would you suggest I say? I don't want to bad mouth him to them.

What have you been telling the children so far?

I would tell them that their dad has addictions that make him unable to look after them or keep them safe right now. You don't have to do it in an unkind way about him, but they must know his behaviour has been bizarre (and probably scary at times). I think honesty gently is better than pretending something else is going on.

I doubt it's that his mental health is "so fragile" that his family don't challenge him. More likely they are in a dysfunctional dynamic where he can do no wrong or this is normal to them.

Your children are a little older than we were, particularly the 11 yo.
I think it's important to keep any information given somewhat matter of fact, with no high emotional strain.
Don't pitty the kids, don't pitty yourself in front of the kids. I think kids are old enough to be explained something along the lines of: that people get together, create families, people are happy. But people always change. And sometimes relationships don't work out. It is not a bad thing to live apart if people don't get on. At the moment this is a better thing for everyone. People are good and have good intentions. But daddy has gotten ill with an addiction and he won't be around much until he gets better. There are people looking after him and doctors.

That's just the gist of it. But you know your kids well - if they are stable and inquisitive then even a little talk about addiction to different things and how it changes people and makes them ill would not be amiss.

Don't tell them they'll never see him, or will definitely see him at some certain point.
Just say you don't know but will let them know when you do. Then try to build your new normal. Don't give them much chance to think about it. Keep things positive and loving at home. Don't mention. But if your kids talk about their dad, make them know you are always there to listen and answer any questions. Always there for a hug and a chat. So that "dad" is not a taboo and also not a charged subject.

It must be a very difficult time for your family. And a very fine balance to strike. Just do your best. Your children will appreciate it one day.
And don't forget about yourself! Take care, destress, move on. Happy mum will help everything and everyone

You are absolutely doing the right thing. I know you feel awful for having to do it too because you feel its your fault but it isn't. Its his. Im in a similar boat with DD 12.. Her Dad was taking her on deals and I had no idea until last year when because of education on drugs and school she realised what he was at and told me. He didn't even deny it and has since gone around making me out to be cruel etc but I know im not. I am a good mother who is keeping her child safe and so are you. One day out children will fully understand and thank us..Keep strong xx

I agree you are doing the right thing, your DD could have died!!!

Block his family's social media so you can't see it. None of them have offered any kind of help to see if they could make contact possible or even see the DC themselves...

100% he is feeding them a pack of lies that he has tried and you are being obstructive or similar.

KOKO

OP I went through pretty much the same thing with DS and his dad’s drinking. I told DS’s father that while he was drinking he wasn’t seeing DS. He didn’t take it well and pulled out every manipulative trick in the book but I stood firm. A few weeks later the police attended an incident with DS’s father that had nothing to do with us, but they did background checks and I was contacted by SS.As I’d already stopped contact they left me alone. They told DS’s father that if he wanted contact he should apply through the courts. He never did.

My strong advice for you is to do what I did. If SS ever become aware of your DC seeing their father in the state he’s in the exact same thing will happen, and if you continued to allow the to see him unsupervised by an approved adult you’d be in trouble. If he wants contact he applies through the court, at which point an assessment will be carried out.

Do not let your DC go to a father who is drinking and taking drugs. I can’t say this strongly enough. The amount of damage it’s done my DS is awful and it’s taken me years of working with him and him acting out to get him to a point where he’s stable. Your DC will not want to be with a drunk drugged up father anyway, if not now then when they’re old enough to realise how shitty it is.