Verbal abuse, short fuse

[HS24]

I'm in a serious LTR. DP has good and bad points like everyone. The good is he's loyal, punctual, shows up for important things. Supportive, does chores without asking, complimentary, affectionate. Driven, hard working, helped me get out of debt and in ways had a positive effect on my life, I'm in a better position now than I was before I met him. His bad points are his short fuse and verbal abuse during arguments. For example, takes things the the wrong way, swears at me during arguments and threatens to leave. He loses his temper with outsiders too yet he's very well respected by his work and friends, they call him 'head strong' Am I over reacting? It's been a common issue in our relationship which is becoming tedious. He acknowledges his issues, says sorry but we're yet to find any solution or have any improvement. I am not perfect, I have been verbally abusive too, but not to his extent or as often as him.

From your description (which sounds like minimisation) it sounds like he needs to get into anger management or therapy in order to find other ways of dealing with his anger issues.

There isn't really such a thing as 'over reacting' - it's up to you if you want to stay and put up with it. If you want to continue to be subjected to verbal abuse, then continue as you are. The best predicator of future events are past ones. He's abusive, loses his temper, knows it affects you and doesn't do anything about it...so, that's how it's going to continue OP.

There's no rules. If you're reacting according to your feelings, you're not over reacting. If it's tedious and he's not sorting it, it'll just keep getting more tedious.

It's a question about how much you are willing to put up with, rather than a generic 'How much is ok to put up with?'

If it were me, I'd be gone, because as far as I'm concerned, abuse isn't ok. It's not something that happens in a loving relationship.

Do you think abuse is ok?

OP, his good points mean very little when it comes to being dominated by a verbally abusive man.

I bet you try not to set him off.

Subconsciously women do this with people with short fuses.

This is not a guy to commit too longterm and have a family with.

His temper will only get worse and you have no idea where it will go as he can't control his anger.

It's just too big a flaw and not yours to fix!

Disappointing I get, because he has some good qualities.

People are very rarely all bad.

I doubt he will improve as he's probably getting something out of it- you probably keep your head down more than you would and try not to anger him (at least to an extent.)

I know it's so bloody annoying, wish he could just calm it down. I'm not at a stage where I feel I need to walk on egg shells, he's not intimidating but I have heard and read that abuse will only get worse?! Also the fact that if wanted to change - he surely would!? I agree - it's not my problem to fix!

My Dh is the same, he doesn't scare me but he is very aggressive and in my face when arguing , says really horrible things , swears etc, ends the relationship all the time. Im in too deep 2 kids etc. If I had my time again I would have walked way.
Its like dealing with a man child who throws a massive tantrum every time he doesn't get his own way. It means normal issues you may have with each other don't get talked about or resolved as you wont have the 'energy' for the fall out. Run OP .

@evrey So sorry to hear that. Has he always been that way?
My DP doesn't like to get his own way, I tend to have mostly everything my way. However, he gets easily offended by something which is bloody tedious! Some things he'll be easy going with, really chilled then other times he'll snap. I honestly think he's bipolar sometimes. On some occasions he'll immediately say sorry then other times it ends up in a row! This is all started two years into the relationship

Abusers can often show their true nature around a year or two into the relationship.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Is this really someone you should be in a relationship with?.

He wasnt always like this but about a year or so in it started. He can be quite mild mannered with some things , for example I'm really clean and he isn't yet he just rolls his eyes when I moan about messiness. He also isn't controlling in any way at all which makes me think he doesn't fit an abuser profile.
But when we do argue he is really aggressive in his manner , screams shouts swears calls me all sorts of names gets right up to my face , threatens to leave and take the kids etc (usually over something quite petty) Im not aggressive at all and back off quickly when he does this . He also does really impulsive things like quitting a job on the spot when we had a row about him barely seeing the kids due to new shift patterns. Its like you say Tedious .

Don't have children with this man. He will get worse, and you do not want your children listening to his crap. Speaking from bitter experience I'm afraid. I got a court order to get rid of him because of the emotional damage he was doing. Don't be me, I wasted nearly 20 years.

Hi OP, my DP is the same. We've been together nearly 6 years. He lives in my house, we aren't married and have no kids together.

He sounds very similar. We get on great in so many ways but it's just like he can't discuss/argue in a rational way. It's like he doesn't know how. I know that my DP previous relationship was with quite a volatile person and I aren't like that at all. It stumps him sometimes as I just won't engage. I either walk away or just ignore him.

I don't feel threatened or intimidated and do feel because we have no financial ties or family commitments that I'm in a very strong position to end it if I needed to. I'm totally financially independent from him.

Things haven't been great with us for a while and I'm not sure where we are headed. I love him but I'm not sure if it's enough anymore.

@BG2015 *
he can't discuss/argue in a rational way. It's like he doesn't know how.
^
It stumps him sometimes as I just won't engage.*^

This! Can completely relate!

It is human to flip our lids once on a while - but the key thing is how much control and empathy for others we have at the time to not go too far and also to recognise where we are at and close our lids so to speak, and also how good we are at managing our feelings generally ie not getting to the lid flipped stage too often

Assuming that he has a fair degree of self control, "short fuse" or not - ie he holds down a job - i think it is a matter of telling him what behaviour you do not find acceptable and telling him it has to stop.

I think that this is the difference between abuse and not abuse - - someone behaving badly and being asked to not do it will stop it, or walk away respectfully.

I think that where you should be concerned that verbal abuse could turn into something else is where the verbal abuse is showing a profound lack of respect for another human being and refusing to stop the behaviour

I do also think that we all have different limits, to do with our environments, and it is a matter of communicating that. For example if someone really lost their temper and said "oh just fuck off" as a one off that might be ok. Someone saying "you are being a dick about this" might be ok. Someone calling you names not ok. Someone yelling criticisms instead of sitting down and saying something was upsetting them not ok. Someone screaming and shouting and swearing where kids can hear not ok. And so on. Ie this depends on how you see it and your own individual boundaries.

You could say for example "from now on when you lose your temper, and I do a T (timeout) then I want you to back off and stop shouting at me, go into a different room and cool off, also I never want you to call me x ever again" and see if he agrees and sticks to it.

Also there is a lot on youtube about what happens in your brain when you flip your lid and about control and empathy and you could get him to watch something. You basically go into your primal brain or "fight/flight" - but most of us are able to stop ourselves pretty quickly, the important thing here is a combination of empathy (and respect for others all the time) and self control.

Own individual boundaries except the bit about shouting around kids - always not ok!

@strangewhenastranger

We have spoken about it and it has still continued. I have seen him try to control it more but it's still an issue in the relationship.

An example of how things can pan out: I say anything that offends him, he immediately snaps at me. I get offended, yell at him. I'm then met with verbal abuse, that could be swearing or an insult. I then yell even more, swear back, things get nasty. He then asks for five minutes space and says "I don't want to argue" But by then, I'm wound up and furious so I try to keep the row going. He either walks off, threatens to leave or just keeps telling me to 'stop'.

You both need counseling on how to handle conflict as it sounds like both of you need help.

How old are you both? You say it's a LDR but from what I've read you'd both be better off finding someone else 🤭

This sounds like an unhealthy relationship. It's all very well saying you get along well except for when you argue, but the way you argue with each other sounds toxic and that only gets worse over time. He's thrown in a bit of sort of gaslighting for good measure, escalating it then saying he wants space if you match his level. Healthy relationships don't have communication patterns like this.

I think your posts are really honest and it is both of you - like a pp said you can definitely get help both of you, about both of you managing your emotions, managing impulses, control. It sounds like you both want to be together the problem is to do with self control and you definitely can get help with this - it is tough, it is basically rewiring the brain a bit, but once you understand what is happening when you flip you can watch for signs and control it. This is assuming you both want to take responsibility and can see that there are things you could change about how you do things, and that is the case. You could transform your lives by doing this, in other ways too.

@changeofname2020 i thinks op says long term relationship

I don't agree with @backseatcookers that there is gaslighting here. It sounds like escalation both sides triggering each other.

Op i could find some links later which might help which explain the whole triggering thing.

If at any time your partner doesn't want to work to change or blames you for everything or intentionally tries to upset you, then that would be a game changer obviously - you'd want to leave - but from what you have said it sounds more like you both need help with conflict and behaviour.

Wow. Your latest update shows you both have anger issues that need addressing. Nothing is solved by you both descending into swearing and shouting.

You both need to sit down and work on your anger issues. He needs to work on being calmer and more measured in his reactions, for sure, but you are stoking his anger by your responses.

I know it's hard to stay calm if someone snaps at you for no reason, but a much better response is to remain calm and ask why he feels he has the right to snap and criticise you. By you remaining calm he will look at his reactions more clearly and learn to control himself better. If you respond with anger and swearing, you are just giving him a reason to excuse his own behaviour.

When two people are shouting at each other there's no difference in their behaviour. If one person is shouting and swearing at the other person and they are remaining quiet, everyone, including the shouter, can see it's abusive. No one wants to hear themselves being abusive and it may be his wake up call. If he continues shouting at you despite your lack of response, then that's your wake up call to leave.

You both need counselling for conflict resolution. You are arguing and swearing at him and not allowing him to walk away, but what he does is verbal abuse? You’ve tried to work on it together but now it’s time for professional help.

I have this exact problem with my partner although I don’t engage with him when he’s shouting and screaming. I told him earlier this year that it had to stop but it has happened again. It’s like a red mist comes over him. This last time it was because I undermined him in front of the kids/ I was goading him and making him shout. He keeps saying that he’s not shouting just talking loudly, when he’s actually red in the face and in a rage.

I don't feel I need help though, HE is the one who takes things seriously and snaps. If he didn't act this way, we probably wouldn't fight?
I absolutely hate swearing back at him but I can only take so much..
when he asks for space or time out, I'll admit I never give it to him but that's because HE has got me to the point where I'm fuming and annoyed at him for getting me to that point.
Hope this makes sense!

You are in control of your behaviour not him.

If he asks you for space or TO you should respect that.

I think you need help with your behaviour, to understand about responsibility for your own behaviour, what is reasonable, about respecting others and healthy boundaries.

Your relationship is a total shit show.

It is NOT normal to be shouting abuse at each other.

Not normal.

Total shit show of a relationship.

Aim for more.

Get out.

Ye are not compatible.

Staying together.
Having children.
Will be, beyond horrific.

This is not normal.

Get out.
Get help for yourself.

You were part of the anger.

Wishing you well OP