50/50 finances

[YourHandInMyHand]

Me and DP have always both put half towards all household bills. We also figured out what our average food/groceries spend is and he gives me half towards that each month.

All well and good I guess.

• Except I earn a tiny amount and still pay half.
• Except the time I had to give up work for DS1'S needs for a while and still paid half, using up savings to do so.
• Except when he gets a raise or a bonus it cuts my child tax credits down.

Current situation my tiny income is now at zero thanks to lockdown.

At first this was met with "I'll put more in, don't worry" which he did the 1sr month.... to 3 months in. This month I'll pay in my usual amount minus 100, I did the same last month. I had worked out I could just about cover my outgoings with child maintenance, Dla, etc. Fine. Then in literally the next sentence dp drops in that he will have over a grand left over this month after he's paid his half and the 100 I'm not putting in. A grand. In a month. Spare money.

Lockdown has been great for his finances as no weekly footie matches to go out for a massive drink before and after at the pub. No weekly drink after work on a Friday. No meal deal lunches. He said he would use this time to sort his overdraft out and has even bought some bits for the house which normally he wouldn't be bothered/wouldn't be a priority.

I just don't think this is great. I feel generally I'm left with very little and that very little is used wisely to the kids and the house. His is used for his socialising and buying us takeaways (which I enjoy but also think are a waste of money and wouldn't buy as often).

My income dropped by a third when we had youngest (as I'm a childminder) and he seems to gloss over the fact that this has affected my finances. He laughs off any suggestions I get a different job and we pay half each of nursery fees. I wouldnt/couldn't anyway. But no acknowledging the drop in my income or its affect on me being able to put in half.

I'm not sure what I would see as fair or reasonable really and don't quite know what I would like. If we had completely shared finances I'd be uncomfortable as I feel he wastes money whereas I am very frugal.

What do other people do?

Financial abuse?

I agree it's crap but I don't know if it's wilful/knowingly in his part or lack of empathy/awareness

He doesn't need to have taken a course in financial abuse - that's not how it works. It's not like it only only counts as abuse if he's thought "I know how I can get her..".

His behaviour is selfish and miserly at best. These are unsavoury traits and indicate a lack of commitment and/or lack of regard for you and DC.

You know his behaviour is unreasonable and that you wouldn't do the same if the situation were reversed, otherwise you wouldn't have posted about it - the real question here is why you don't feel you can stand up to him.

I would give him the opportunity to correct the mistake and i would also present everything in writing as when it’s black and white on paper it paints the whole picture.

Write down every imaginable expense then write down your salaries and what you both left with.

Write down everything you do with the children and home.

If when he can clearly see the inequality and still won’t change then you need to make a decision.

Do you rent or own and if so is your name on the mortgage?

He does it on purpose.
He does it to control and trap you.
He wouldn't call it "abuse".
He would call it "sensible".

But it's abuse.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

Tell him he will have to pay 2/3rds and you will pay 1/3 rd. you can't make ends meet and when he gets a rise you suffer more. X

We don't and have never done half here. I've always been the one on maternity leave or earning less. So my husband pays all the bills which is the mortgage, electricity, internet, gas, phone, insurances for both cars and the house, etc.

I pay for most of the food (he cooks weekends so buys what he needs for that himself), health insurance, school fees/needs.

We have separate accounts and that's how it's always been.

Mean with money, mean with love.