Coping with an emotionally unavailable partner when you need support

[Quarantined]

I just realised yesterday that there is a "thing" to describe my husband. He's often emotionally unavailable... which is fine day to day, but I am going through a really stressful, emotional time right now...

Two weeks ago I discovered that my dad's cancer had spread and he needs treatment. But he felt confused and overwhelmed on the phone with the consultant (possible early stages dementia - the GP will not refer for tests until "Covid is is all over") so he asked them to post the info out and ended the call. I got my siblings involved and we've grouped together to arrange support and move things forward. As you can imagine there's been a lot of phone calls, video calls, messages etc exchanged over the last couple of weeks. Yesterday he has his pre op and we're waiting for a date for major surgery. It's been hard.

At the beginning of this two week period, my husband shrugged his shoulders and said "you've just got to try not to worry about it". A few days in, he said something that upset me and I've only had minimal discussions with him since.

Not once in all that time has he asked how my dad is doing, how the rest of my family is doing, how I am doing. He's on a family what's app group which my dad messaged to say about his operation, but my husband hasn't even acknowledge that. He has been grumpy and argumentative, shouting at me and the kids and fighting with me about unrelated things. I asked him today if something was bothering him or if I had done something wrong - one word "no" answers to both.

I just don't know where to go with this - I don't understand why he's being so unsupportive and uncaring, why he has such a lack of empathy and awareness...

Any advice or experience?

Unfortunately a huge majority of men are taught from childhood that they may not feel feelings. This places them in a v tricky position when they're expected to emotionally support their partners. Boys and men are rarely taught the skills thay women and girls are taught, when it comes to acknowledging emotionally suffering and helping others cope with it.

It's very common for people with low emotional skill/awareness to seem "grumpy" when they are actually anxious, overwhelmed or sad. Unfortunately that doesn't help any of their loved ones. It just adds to the stress.

I wouldn't bother leaving him. That would be a massive faff right when you're already under a great deal of stress.

If I were you I'd sit him down, calmly explain that you're suffering, and give him a list of responsibilities that will take pressure off you until your dads illness is dealt with a bit more. It's fine he cant offer emotional support - such is life, some folk are crap at that. But then he needs to pull his weight in another way. Dont try to extort feelings from him - he will just blow up since he will feel inadequate and out of his depth. Focus on handing the practical things to him, and just spend time with friends or a therapist who can assist with the emotional side.

Its shit. But dont do anything rash right now.

My partner was behaving this way and it turned out he was severely depressed. He started taking medication and our relationship returned to normal.

@rvby
A big factor is, in my opinion, biological differences between males and females. I think men/boys have, on average, a different internal emotional life from women/girls, and this is inherent not taught.

But given that, boys could certainly taught to be more expressive and to be better at offering support. I suppose they could be taught how to offer expressions of emotional support, such as offering a hug (where appropriate) or to just listen if someone is distressed. This could be taught as just basic politeness.

@notanotherpandemic his behavior certainly seems a bit extreme. If this is unusual for him, depression could be a culprit.

My Dad was like this, but I had no doubt he loved me. But from the ways he looks out for you, I think it is clear that the way he deals with emotions is so far from yours that the choices may well be to accept him as he is or to end the relationship.

I am very like my father - I bottle my own emotions and yes, I am emotionally unavailable for a close relationship with anyone. However, I learned at an early age to support others when they were needing it - because of the way girls are socialised and because my perceived survival in our family depended on it (mum very toxic and needing lots of support, often). It is very different for boys.

This time may also be bringing up lots of feelings for him about his own dad's death - because he didn't process them at the time. This may be why he is completely ignoring the whole thing. I know I cried floods when my cat died, about 6 months after my Dad - it wasn't about the cat.

My own view is that I'd accept this is how he is - he sounds to otherwise be a caring partner. He may well, as others have said, respond to a request like, 'Would you mind sitting listening while I tell you how I feel about my Dad and his situation? I don't need you to do anything, only hold me and listen.' That takes the 'pressure to fix' off him.

I'm pretty fast to get to LTB usually, but not this time.

@Scott72, having daughters and sons I would agree with you. More nature than nurture in most cases.

However I see stronger self focus (selfishness?) from boys/men. They quickly assess if something will impact them and if there is any benefit/reward/enjoyment. Their approach is really beneficial in lots of ways and I wish my daughters were similar. However they are generally more self sacrificing and put personal relationships first.

I see the man's response in this example as he doesn't think he can help so has disengaged. He is probadly frustrated that it is having an impact on his wife and therefore him. I agree that asking him to pick up practical tasks might be a good solution but if he has an large ego he may feel "controlled" or treated as a lackey. If he reacts badly to her requests for help then I think it shows he will always put himself first.

@Scott72 yeah, it's not inborn. It's enculturated, you can tell this because the range of emotions men are allowed to express varies from culture to culture. And you can only develop an inner life that includes the emotions that they're encouraged to express. Look up normative male alexithymia if you want to learn more.

"Inner life" and understanding of one's own and other's emotions is established by talking about, demonstrating, encouraging, etc emotions in infancy. Boys often have little emotional inner life - because they're trained to, through everything from how much their parents give encouraging comfort when they cry, to which storybooks they're given to read. Once they reach adulthood, it's sort of too late for many of them, and being able to empathize with partners and so on remains a mystery for the rest of their lives.