Feel like I'm losing my mind here

[Irishlad1]

Am I a bad person?

I'm a male in his thirty's and I've only ever had two relationships in my life.

My first relationship lasted 4 years. Everything was great at the start, all love and romance like the start of every relationship.

I would do everything to make her happy and never even consider looking at other girls in a romantic way.

As things progressed on the magic faded and life kicks in. She tells me she cuts herself and hears voices, only advice I could give her was she should see her doctor. I went with her for moral support.

She had psychosis and got put on medication and started seeing a therapist.

This was the first relationship I've been in and had no clue what I was doing.

Growing up I was shy and kept to myself, develop depression growing up and ended up getting put on medication in my 20's. They seemed to have changed me and made me happier and I made new friends in college and the meds probably gave me the courage to ask her out.

Into the relationship my depression seem to get worse dealing with my problems and hers.

She wanted to be together 24/7, wanted me to go to all her appointment's and anything really.

Sometimes she would get bad enough to had to be hospitalized for weeks,I'd visit her as much as I can but I started to feel like what I was giving wasn't been returned.

I felt like I'd do anything and everything for her but I wouldn't get the same in return.

Then at some point in our relationship I would download dating apps and flirt with other women but never actually meet them or anything. I felt terrible doing this but also at the same time good. I don't know if it was just the wanting of someone else or someone just wanting to talk to me.

This would go on for months, I'd download them and flirt then delete it, then download them again after another few months.

As the relationship went on my depression got worse to the fact that even my mother would noticed but I would say I'm ok.

I felt like all the love was being sucked from the relationship and I was just becoming a care taker to her.

One time she took all her tablets, me and her mother didn't really know if she did but she said did,so we took her to the hospital.

The relationship ended when she texted me one night saying that she needed to go to the hospital and since he lived with her mam, I told her to ask her mam to drive her to the hospital. It was between 1am and 2am. She then started saying I did care about her because I don't come to her mother's and bring her. She blocked me on everything, so I just threw in the towel and didn't respond ever.

That was it, the relationship was over. I've seen her around the place a few times and my family said she's dating a woman now.

But I still felt bad going onto dating apps to flirt with other women.

After that relationship I had a one night stand with a girl, which is totally out of character for me.

Now I'm in a new relationship with a new lady and everything was great but I always give 100% into my relationships and I feel like I never get it back.

The first year was great and everything was different from my first relationship, I actually felt cared about in this relationship.

But again I'm feeling like I put two much into the relationship and everything becomes about her.

Just today I told her I was feeling sad all day and didn't get out of bed till 3pm and she only asked why and didn't follow up with everything. She knows I have depression but it's like a foreign word to her as it is to everyone that doesn't experience it.

But I felt alone and not cared when she didn't follow up with it. Later tonight she told me she felt I wasn't loving her enough today even though we were watching her shows and cuddling since she got home. I was watching the Sony live stream at the time and told her we've been cuddling for hours and she got upset.

I feel like her needs always needs to be met but mine aren't.

We are always cuddling, which I love or kiss or just touching each other. Even when we are laying down in bed backs to each other we push closer or move our feet together to touch.

But I still feel her needs are more important than mine.

We live together and she does things without even consider asking me. Like getting her brothers and his girlfriends mail to our address. She asked her friend does she want to move in before even talking to me about it.

She asked me was it okay if her friend moves in, if not she'll tell her the landlord said no to having another person in the house. Which tells me she asked the friend first before discussing it with me.

The sex has become like a monthly thing in the relationship and it frustrates me.

I and her always say we should be having more sex but when I try, she isn't game.

So I kinda gave up trying.

I mean the sex isn't bad or anything, I don't mind going down on her and can make her cum with head or penetration. Not tooting my own horn or anything.

Again I find myself in the position of downloading dating apps and flirting with other women but never actually meeting them or going pass a certain amount of talking.

I feel like the worst person ever doing this and betraying her.

I know myself I wouldn't cheat on her but this feels like cheating, just texting other women.

I keep telling myself I am the worst for doing this and I feel so bad everyday now.

I don't know what to do know at this point.

I don't know if I just needed to vent or what but that is my current situation.

I think you need to slow down.. When you first start something new it is tempting to give your everything- I think you should focus more on yourself and not give your love and time so freely, this can put pressure on the other person to give back, but usually what happens is they start to resent you.
Just invest in yourself more, learn to say no if it doesn’t suit you at the beginning of the relationship as it is a two way street. If you can find the balance it will be much healthier for you and them, and learn to ask for support when you need it. Your mental health is important, and you have to take responsibility for that. You sound like a really good man ( apart from the online flirting) but I think it’s because you have low self esteem, and looking for a ego boost. You have to be willing to walk away sooner if you are not getting what you need. Hope that helps slightly.

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs

@Notimefor

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs

No don't apologise, thanks for the input.

Yeah, I do always give everything in a relationship. I know I shouldn't but it's the kind of person I am.

I'd love to be able to focus on myself and do the things I'd like but growing up with depression kinda sucks the fun out of everything and things you'd like to do become near impossible but when I do things for others I don't mind putting everything and anything in no matter if it's good or not for my mental health.

I do say no but I always get questioned about it and just give in and change it to a yes.

For instance when my girlfriend asked could her friend move in with us, I said no.

She would then question why not. Like she always do when I say no,so I just gave in and said yes.

I guess it is an ego boost as I always felt worthless my whole life living with depression and just telling myself I ain't good or worth it.

Your not a bad person. Can you access by help for your depression? Speaking to someone could really help.. you are not worthless, your boundaries sound really poor, maybe you should stay single and get to grips with who you are and what brings you any sort of joy.. it could take a while but baby steps. I know when your depressed everything seems insurmountable, but you can still help people by volunteering, lots of people out there need someone to step in and care.

I think you are not necessarily a bad person, but youare not doing a decent thing either. You need to learn to slow down, and to break up when it stops working. It sounds like you already know it's over, so end it, because doing the whole dating app is not fair to her either, regardless of her being a shitty partner. And then comes your guilt for doing it and , before you know it you are seriously spiraling into your depression. It's not working, end it. And slow down next time, a relationship is about give and take, you dont need to worship the other person, it's not healthy.

Start with yourself.
Your perspective might be somewhat skewed by the tinted screen that depression puts over everything.

The bottom line is, it's extremely difficult to live with depression. It is also difficult to live with someone with depression. By far not everyone is capable of meeting challenging mental health needs.
Put everything into getting depression under control.

All the best for you

I feel like the worst person ever doing this and betraying her.

Don't do it then. You're in control of what you download, type etc.

Do what you enjoy and also have boundaries- stick to your no, don't do things you think seem a bit much for people to ask etc. I never had any idea of this until I found Mumsnet.

Here is a good video about boundaries

And here's one about finding what you enjoy and doing it

I don't know if it's a great time to break up as we moved in together and over two year anniversary is next month.

I think there's a lot for you to learn about yourself and a lot that isn't too healthy for you. Firstly depression doesn't make you a bad person.

And choosing the wrong women and giving your all isn't the right approach.

Your GP should be able to put you forward for CBT which is a shortish (months rather than years) therapy that isn't just about your childhood etc. You're not lying on a sofa while they say 'tell me about.,,' and it's focused on practical results. There's quite a few months wait so if you prefer you could try and find someone that does it privately,

I think it would be good for you to talk to someone that can have a real conversation and help you see what is and isn't working. They can look at strategies and help you understand what is appropriate - and they can help you to stop blaming yourself and putting so much pressure on yourself to save these women.

I think part of you wants to be free but guilt drags you back. So that's really not right. It's almost impossible to work this stuff out on your own. I'm not a big fan of the kind of therapy that goes on for years, but CBT is a lot more practical and won't cost a fortune and will help.

But I think that you should leave this relationship. It sounds pretty messed up tbh.

With covid most things are still on lockdown, so no visits to the gp for awhile.

I do have a caring nature and that's probably why I try to help people but I'm also the person that puts 100% in.

I don't know if I can change those things about myself, they are like part of my core.

I mean one night I heard a girl and her boyfriend fighting. I ran out in nothing but my underwear without even thinking of what could happen.

It seems I put other people before myself and I honestly think it's not healthy for me.

I need to care about myself but I grew up not really liking myself.