Haven't missed boyfriend through lockdown

[sunstay]

Me and my boyfriend are in our early 20s and have been together for 7 years. I haven't seen him properly (apart from the occasional socially distanced walk) since March when lockdown began.

The problem is, I have really been enjoying the time by myself and feel like I would rather be on my own than in a relationship. I feel absolutely awful saying it but I'm dreading when we are able to see each other again as I just love having all my time to myself.

He's a really lovely person and I honestly do not have a bad word to say about him so I feel really guilty even saying this. I have had feelings that I'm young and there's stuff I want to do in life (travelling, etc) but I also worry that if I break up with him I may regret it a year or so down the line.

I don't know what I'm looking for here but was just hoping for some advice or for someone's thoughts on this? I really don't want to speak to anyone about it irl. Thanks in advance

I would rather be on my own than in a relationship

That’s completely okay! It’s healthy and you’re in touch with your feelings which is mature and shows you’re strength. Enjoying ones one company is a hugely positive thing. Embrace it.

He’s lovely but you’re lovelier, that’s alright OP.

Yes you might regret it but you can only ever live your life based on the here and now. It’s not a sudden realisation either, you’ve had several months to access your feelings.

The world is your oyster. You might realise you’re happiest on your own, you might meet someone who sweeps you off your feet who you want to share your life with. Who can say. That’s the point. It’s your life, you only get one. Go out and explore the world (as best you can right now) and have wonderful adventures.

It’s ok to feel like this!
You’ve been in a relationship for a really long time and you’re only early 20s. You’ve probably realised that you’ve grown up and want something different from your life right now and that’s ok.

I was the same as you, I split up with my long term bf at 22, went travelling, went out a lot, had some great times with my friends and my confidence boomed loads. I eventually met my now DH at aged 27. I’m so glad I didn’t stay with my childhood bf!

He may well be lovely but so are lots of people. Whatever you decide needs to be right for you.

To be honest if you have been together 7 years, you must have been very young when you got together. Perhaps it’s just time to move on now and both spread your wings a bit. He will be upset but it will pass and eventually you will both move on.

The absolute biggest regret I have in life is settling down at 19, getting married young and not having fun and travelling. I still regret it 30 odd years later.

Relationships are ten a penny when you are young but you don’t get that time back if you don’t do the things you want to do. If I had my time again I would have chosen a completely different path.

You’re more likely to regret staying with him.

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you so much for the comment, you sound like a lovely personThanks for the advice, I'm only 23 so feel like there's so much I could do in life rather than to just settle down now like he would want. I don't want to regret ending the relationship, but I also don't want to regret not ending it. It's so difficult!

@Wither thanks for sharing that, it's reassuring to hear from those who have ended their relationship and have been happy with their decision! I think it's more comfort than anything I don't remember life without him really, we've been together since 15/16 years old so it's very scary to think of being single again. But I'm still young right now and don't want to go through life wondering what else I could have done by myself without being tied down to someone from such a young age

@B9008 it's interesting to see it from your perspective having stayed with your partner. I feel like that, i worry about staying with him and regretting it later on in life and looking back and wishing that I had done things differently. We are very different people and have different ambitions in life, I went to uni and am now wanting to go travelling and experience new things where he got a full time job from school and would be happy to get married and have a child now if he had the choice, but that is really not what I want at this age

Set both you and him free. He'll meet someone who wants the same as him soon enough.

It's a gift to enjoy your own company, be glad you have that gift. It's very freeing.

My DS is 20 and he and his GF are in a similar position - only seen each other a couple of times in the garden/for a picnic etc as she’s a key worker and doesn’t want him to be at risk.

I’m actually surprised they’ve made it through tbh, as he’s quite stuck in his ways and I thought he’d be cross about her sticking to the rules, but it seems they’ve weathered it so far.

If his GF we’re thinking she’d like to split with him, I think I’d rather she did it now while they’re used to being apart and haven’t got that habit of spending every night together, than keep him hanging on waiting for a proper reunion, only to do it then!

Saying that, things might feel different once you’re able to spend some time together, it might just be that the lack of intimacy has weakened your bond. Did you feel like this before lockdown or is it only recently you’ve been getting itchy feet?!

You don’t need to make any big decisions now, you could just see how things go - it’s a funny old time to be changing your life so drastically. Maybe once travel restrictions are lifted you could talk about your plans and that will naturally mean that you either go your separate ways or he has to find his spirit of adventure!

I think that’s a sign you need to go your separate ways 😔

@sunstay

I just wanted to say that I had a serious relationship which ended when I was 23 (we had a house and lived together straight after uni) Anyway, he left me and I was devastated and thought that was it. How wrong could I be!! My 20s were amazing, travelled the world, lived in a shared house where I met my best friends. I didn't meet my husband until my mid 30s and were now expecting our first child. That relationship ending, albeit it so difficult at the time, was the best thing that ever could have happened to me! So do what you feel is right for you!

(On another note, my friend broke up with her school boyfriend and then 5 years later got back together and now have two kids so even if it does end there is no knowing where it might end up!)

Best of luck with whatever you decide x

@sunstay

I didn’t stay Married. Was divorced after 8 years. Both too young. I know it suits some people but it wasn’t for me.

There is nothing to say that 2-5-10 years down the line, you won't end up back together. Not all breakups have to be ugly, or permanent. Sure, there will be sadness, but bridges don't need to be burned.

But you will never know if this is the right decision or not until you experience life on your own and discover who you are outside of this relationship.

Good luck!!

"I don't want to regret ending the relationship, but I also don't want to regret not ending it. It's so difficult!"

I think the chances are much greater than you will regret not ending the relationship particularly since you want such different things from life. You have discovered through lockdown that you don't want to be in a relationship right now because it is too constraining for you. And you're right - his life vision is too constraining for you. That doesn't make you or your BF a bad person. It just means that the relationship has run its course for you because the things you want are no longer compatible.

First love is very intense, passionate and absorbing but it is rare for it to continue successfully through the decades. It may just be confirmation bias on my part but I have noticed that many of the women posting on here with partners who are cheating and/or abusing them have been with those partners from a really young age. And I do think it's really important to spend some time living alone as an adult so that you don't stay in a relationship because you're afraid of being alone. Living alone and looking after yourself can be brilliant and it's very empowering to know you can do that.

Your 20s are the perfect decade for exploring life and the world and for finding yourself - you have the freedoms of adulthood but far fewer of the responsibilities which come further down the line and tend to keep you in one place.

The split needn't be acrimonious. And you may be reunited in later years. But you clearly want very different things at the moment and you definitely need to explore that. Apart from anything, you cannot contemplate settling down with someone unless you feel really excited about the idea of spending your future with them. The truth is that you're no longer right for him - and he's no longer right for you - because if you were, you would still want essentially the same things. That time has passed.

He will be hurt and it will take time for him to recover but it will pass. Most of us have had our hearts broken and we're fine now and he will be, too, as will you.

You sound so similar to me @sunstay. My bf wasn’t ambitious in the slightest. After university he got a part time job and that was it. I had a career an earned more and had ways to progress. He played computer games and had no ambition to do anything.

I realised I was with him out of habit. I kept pretending things were fine and buried my feelings. Eventually we split up and I felt such relief! Don’t get me wrong I was upset as he’d been my life for 7 years but actually it was totally the right thing to do.

He moved back home and I went travelling and had an amazing time. I honestly don’t regret it. We had done our time. It sounds like you have to.

Being single when you haven’t been for a long time is scary of course it is, but I realised I didn’t have to be with anyone, it was good to learn to be independent and I grew in confidence. Yes I had some crap relationships but you learn and move on. It’s only now I’m with my DH I realise how right this is. We’re married with children and I’m very happy.

That was riddled with typos, excuse my fat fingers and glad you got the essence

I split with my boyfriend of 7 years at 24. He was lovely and we were inseparable but he was very set in his ways and I felt like I was missing out on life. My mid twenties were amazing, I lived in a shared house and spent a year in Australia. I met DH at 27 and have no regrets. My ex and I are still friends and I get on with his wife too and they seem much more suited. I think we just outgrew each other and got stuck in a rut. If you feel like this now I’d act on it and go out and live your life.