Family Vs partner

[Lolar1]

Morning I’m after some advice or maybe I just need to write this down so that I can identify how I feel? I’ve been with my partner 4.5 years and we plan to get married next year. I have a very difficult relationship with my sister. It’s my Mums birthday next month and she’s invited me and my children but NOT my partner.
I feel upset about the exclusion. My family have not been welcoming to my partner and have excluded her before. My partner feels unwelcome by my family.
Do I go (and risk further upsetting my partner) or say to my Mum that I am not coming and further upset my mother and sister?
Basically my sister won’t go if my partner does! My Mum always sided with her.
I’m so fed up with them. I have tried talking about it but my Mum says it’s ‘Too difficult’. My sister has lots of issues but claims my relationship is dysfunctional if we can’t do things without each other. I’ve been to my parents increasingly without my partner as she feels so unwelcome. Now it’s a special occasion and she has not been invited. Not sure what to do.

Imo do something another day with your dm.
She also hasn't been welcoming? - sorry op but unless your dp has done something wrong they are out of line not making the effort after such a long time..
Are you in a same sex relationship? Are they against it?

I feel gutted that they have not invited her. Yes same sex relationship and they claim it’s not that so I think they either have an issue with the age gap or with her. Quite frankly the age gap should be Utterly irrelevant we are happy and my children love her. I guess there are issues because she is so involved with the children? Who knows my Mum won’t talk about it.

My dm made it obvious she hated my now exh. We ended up nc as I got sick of her controlling ways..
Your dm isn't very respectful of your choice of dp - I would not be hurrying over there...

I would choose your partner. Your family cant give you a valid reason as to what's so horrible about your dp other than they want to control the situation. Its cruel to exclude someone for no specific reason. I wouldnt go because that would just send the wrong message to everyone. Your partner will feel very hurt and let down, and your family will think they can control you and will continue to do so.

My husband’s sister was married to an absolute prick of a man, but all the family included him to any family occasions because, as my husband used to say “he’s her husband and I’m going to respect her decision to be with him”.

Your family should respect your decision to be with whom ever you choose to be with. They’re being dicks and if you were, not that I’m saying you are, in an abusive relationship or in a relationship with a prat, then leaving her out, would just make things worse for you. I would simply tell them you have plans and can’t attend, but will meet your mum to celebrate at another time.

If you are in a good relationship, I would put my partner first on this. So, no, I would not go without her.

Sorry but after 4 1/2 yrs it is time to stand alongside your partner and decline the invite.

Unless you're about to do a massive drip feed I'd say you need to stand by your partner.
Because if I were here and you went I'd know where you stood and I'd start looking at the door.

You should refuse to attend without her - they are BVU

Your sister won't attend if your partner does. Emotional blackmail there. I'd not go without my partner for that reason alone.

Unless your partner has been a complete nightmare and treated your family like shit, it sounds like your family are behaving appalling towards your partner. Also sounds like they haven't been particularly nice towards you in the past

what's the back story? I'm guessing there is one

They're going to carry on this dynamic even after you're married - so decide now whether this treatment of your partner is acceptable to you or not.

Are your family coming to your wedding?
Cos that's a pisstake if they are!

There is a back story, so many it’s hard to see the wood for the trees. I’m going to message back to confirm I’ll see her another time. I can not imagine going without my partner, I can’t even imagine going in the circumstances tbh.
Thanks for ALL the comments.

Good point about the wedding.
You need to make some aerosols decisions.
If your partner were posting on here she'd probably be strongly advised to cancel the wedding.

Its a hard one, my boyfriends parents have a few issues with us/him. They’re religious and very devout, he was an only child but they had another because they wanted one who would “follow gods path”, they were also thankful that we can’t have children as ‘it’ would be brown. They don’t agree with gay people having children so if we adopted together they wouldn’t consider that child to be a grandchild.

I have met them and they were really lovely to me and to my son, how they feel doesn’t bother me personally as they aren’t the sort of person to say anything to me, gossip about me, they’re more the pray for my soul type, as while I don’t agree with their beliefs they genuinely think they’re doing the right thing.

But how it impacts my partner is what really bothers me, they aren’t talking to him at the moment as they found out he moved in with me for lockdown, not sure when they’ll find out its now permanent Despite their differences they are very close so hes finding it very hard, especially as he doesn’t see them often due to them living abroad. His little brother normally visits for two weeks in the summer, so thats something else he is missing as well.

What I would say from my own experience, I have a family, but I don’t share DNA with them, I do have a mum, my son does have a grandma. You can choose your family.