I have name changed for this one as I have shared quite a few things on previous threads and don't want to say anything too identifying when pieced together.
My issue is this: my marriage of 20 years collapsed during lockdown. I tried, really tried to save this marriage over the years but he is sadly too abusive- mostly emotionally but there could be a physical element if he'd had too much to drink. It took me a long time to accept. I'm as smart as anyone. I'm otherwise confident - and decent looking. I know my worth, at least on an intellectual level. I could also always see the red flags. However, something always held me back from leaving. It's been long overdue. Now I am doing it I am strangely numb. Literally he inspires nothing in me. No love. No hate. No sadness even. Like the last 20 years never happened.
Now, this is where things get messed up: my first and very toxic love got in touch recently. He really scarred me. It took me ages to get over- in fact I don't think I ever did. All I can think about right now is that old wound. But I know I should be dealing with the present. I just can't though. This has gone on for two months. I need to get over whatever this is but don't know how. (And yes , I want and need therapy!)