Victim of revenge porn.

[JovialNickname]

Just what the title says really .... a trusted female friend sat me down a couple of days ago and told me that a man we both know, had filmed me having sex with him, and has filmed other women having sex with him, and is now showing the videos to people locally. I haven't seen the footage but my friend says that none of the women involved look like they know they're being filmed.

To clarify I did have consensual sex with him, and on one occasion only I also did consent to being filmed. At the time I was homeless and had also been reported as a missing person. Although I did consent to one instance of filming, I feel now that it was clear I was vulnerable at that point in time which makes his distribution of this material now (5 years later) especially distressing. I also don't even think that the one consentual film is what people have seen because apparently the women in them look totally oblivious.

Does anyone have any experience of reporting this sort of matter to the police? Although I know I should, I'm aware there are more important things going on at the moment. But on the other hand it seems so wrong he can do this. He either filmed me without my knowledge or when I was in no real position to fully consent. I have to see him around my village all the time and I hate he can do this and know that I'm powerless to respond.

My questions are: is there any point reporting it when I haven't seen the video myself? and

Am I responsible for evidence gathering? As I will have to contact everyone I know to ask if they've seen it and can I have a copy and I don't think I could bear that.

Thank you if you can offer any practical guidance and thank you for letting me offload.

Hi, I was in office when the new law (revenge porn) was introduced. Although I don’t have any experience myself, I do know that it is illegal for your ex to be doing this and that the police will take it seriously. Are you in the position to gather evidence? Have someone covertly record your ex showing these videos or Get him to send them on?

I would advise that you ring the helpline first and take it from there. I suspect they will encourage you to contact the police. Do not feel bad or guilty about this. The timing does not matter as this is an illegal offence and can potentially have a damaging affect on your mental health/ work/ social etc. So please don’t think anyone will undermine this. Good luck

revengepornhelpline.org.uk/

Thank you Greentrees... I'm still reeling at the moment and don't think I can bear the shame and humiliation of having to track this film down - obviously at the moment I can't just ask around in the pub, I'll have to contact people individually some of whom won't have even known about it in the first place. I know I might have to get myself together and try to do that though. Thank you too for the helpline, I didn't know that even existed. I will give them a call x

First of all , although I understand that you are reeling from this awful betrayal never, ever feel shameful about it. You have done absolutely nothing to be ashamed of . You had sex with swine and you allowed a recording to happen , maybe you were naive but you should never feel ashamed of what you did. This man who recorded you and others and is showing these about should feel ashamed.

And anybody who judges you for being recorded is a fool.

I don't have any advice other than what he's doing is illegal and immoral and you should totally report him, maybe even just a visit from the police would halt him showing people.

I'm sorry this has happened to you .

Someone not swine , although he is a swine .

Even if you did consent to being filmed, you didn't consent to the film being distributed 5 years later.

Thank you for the nice messages. Waitingfortheturn you were right the first time, he is a swine x

Something I would add. When I was in my early 20s, I was on holiday in Spain. Slept with some guy. His friends burst into his room the following morning with cameras. I think a couple of photos were probably taken by them. Not much. Perhaps I was topless at most. But I was quite a private person I would never have agreed to this. I was very upset, ashamed and worried for a while. Clearly, they were jerks.

This was 30 years ago! So its not completely new.

However, the whole porn-filming and photographing thing has taken on a new level, because of porn becoming more prevalent.

I would tell my daugher:_

a. be careful who you sleep with, you never know.
b. if some smuckh is up to shit, take him through the court system.

Of course, not everyone has the ability to understand that (naieve, young) or knows how to go about the legal stuff by themselves or with support.

Just OP.

Finally, if you really want to go into it, read "Nobody's Victim: Fighting Psychols, Stalkers, Pervs and Troll" by C Goldberg, a US lawyer.

I didn't especially like the book, it rambled. But you cannot but admire her kick-ass attitude. She herself, a lawyer, took on someone who filmed her (consensually) during sex and then spread it over the internet. Why she would consensually agree to this is beyond me, but thats another story.

It might help you decide what to do, if anything, OP?

But truly, I think we should not be consensually agreeing to this kind of filming, unless, as I said, we want to objectify ourselves in the porn-mentality. Very sad (to me) that women feel pressure to do this ...

Thank you @LemonsLive and I do take on board what you say, and admit I share some of the same sentiments myself.

I did state in my first post that I was sleeping rough at the time, and was also a "missing person". This professional man, almost 30 years my senior, offered my shaking, terrified, clearly unwell self a bed for the night in exchange for sex. He then asked to film, making it very clear if I refused he would immediately put me back on the same street he found me. So yes I agreed. I don't think that's really the same as "be careful who you sleep with, you never know". But yes I accept some of the responsibility is mine.

But thank you for making it clear how I will be thought of, and yes maybe I will just "learn from it" going forward .

Op, call the police and tell them what you’ve told us. Why you consented and that other women are involved.

Because they will act. Not just because it’s illegal but because of what he did to you, he’s scum. They will go after him if they can. I’ve police officers in my family and friendship circle and they’d all go after this guy.

Seldom do I read something that makes my heart sink and makes me feel sick to my stomach as the thought of a man preying on a vulnerable homeless woman for sex like that.💐

Hi OP, this is more common than you think and absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. There has been a real surge in this kind of behaviour since the lockdown. Here's what you can do:

Across England, Wales and Scotland, revenge porn is a specific criminal offence. In Northern Ireland, it's due to become law.

It's described as "the sharing of private, sexual materials, either photos or videos, of another person without their consent and with the purpose of causing embarrassment or distress".

The offence covers photos or videos showing people engaged in sexual activity which would not usually be done in public, or with their genitals, buttocks or breasts exposed or covered only with underwear.

It includes sharing the material as well as posting it online.

In England and Wales, the maximum punishment is two years in prison - in Scotland, it's five years.

If someone has posted explicit images of you online, report the incident to the website where the images were posted and ask for them to be removed. If you decide to report the crime to the police, try to keep evidence of the incident by taking a record and screenshots of any posts or messages.

You can also use Google's 'right to be forgotten' to have it removed from internet searches.

If you need further advice on how to get explicit online material removed, contact the Revenge Porn Helpline on 0845 6000 459.

There's more info here from Rights of Women.

You can also contact Victim Support who can talk you through your options.

You may have consented UNDER duress as blackmail. But that is not reasonable. Tell the police -give them his name address, and numbers and then wait. This is serious. You have a right to have this deleted.

Lemons live I’d delete that post if I was you. You jumped to judgey before you knew the full story.

And there is always a story.

Please stop the appalling victim blaming. It's uhelpful, the OP has been through enough. OP, you can also contact the Survivor's Trust or Rape Crisis to see about getting counselling for what was obviously coerced sex.

You can also contact Shelter for housing options if that is still an issue.

I didn't jump to judgy Bluntness, just stated the reality. I think you have actually jumped to that conclusion (irony). I think OP understood what I was trying to say, nothing but sympathy for her position - but also noting social trends where women put themselves in this position and why they should be seriously warned of the inherent disrespect contained in this, its dangers, and how to protect themselves. Thats all. If you can't understand that, I think you must be intellectually challenged Blunt, if I may be so blunt.

I'm not victim blaming 123. Read what I said, and OP's response for greater clarification, rather than knee-jerk liberal response.

It's so awful and I agree that you were in a position of vulnerability. I hope he gets the maximum penalty.

I learnt the other month that doctors don't need our consent to share material to colleagues meaning that patients who send photos of intimate areas to GP surgeries may find that those photos have been shared with lots and lots of hcp.

Also, zoom isn't encrypted so information can be recorded and shared with who ever.

Finally (sorry) I notice OP is asking for practical advice. Do you have some good female friends to advise you, you mentioned the trusted female friend? It doesn't mean their advice is right, of course. Such a difficult one. You could pursue it legally, but would it help you? It would be stressful I imagine. The idiots who he is showing these videos to, are clearly lowlife. So its no reflection on you. I just think its a complicated issue. You could go for it legally, with the police, but its not an easy decision. I hope whatever you decide to do, or not do, you find peace with it. As I said, I was in a slightly similar (not the same though) position 30 years ago. They were foolish and disrespectul young men, and I was naieve and distressed. I notice a few avenues for you to look into, before you decide what to do (if anything). Good luck.

OP, would your friend agree to accompany you to the station so that both of you can make a formal complaint? The two of you together would have a lot of clout.

This guy is so clearly in the wrong and this is your chance to nail him.

I hope you're in a better place now and I'm so sorry things were so tough for you then.

I am so sorry OP, I went through a stage in life where everything went wrong and whilst I didnt end up homeless , i ended up taking a live in job to avoid that situation— and it wasn’t nice as an ex senior professional to be referred to as’the help’ . So I know bad times sometimes mean poor choices out of necessity. Please take this further- this guy is a menace to society and needs taking down - preferably to a cell!