I feel unwanted

[18san18]

We’ve been together 8 months. Sex life is great, no complaints there and we’re totally in love and happy in every other area. But it’s very different to any other relationship I’ve had before. I’ve always had a way with men and I just always knew how to please them before but when I met my s/o I felt like I had begun from square one. He’s very particular, he’s not ‘dirty’ so to speak. He likes it very vanilla (sorry if this is too much info but it’s relevant I suppose). I had NEVER been interested in anything vanilla before I met him but I’ve grown to love it and it feel special when we’re in the bedroom now. But, I caught him lying about what he was doing and watching porn a few months ago. This absolutely BROKE me. He promised he’d never do it again. I keep having dreams about it, I worry when he goes to the bathroom, I worry when he’s at work, I think about it a lot although these worries were very bad when It first happened and I feel a lot better about it now and we’ve got over it and I’m beginning to trust him again. What confuses me is that whenever I try to send him photos of myself, he ignores it or changes the subject or deflects it and talks about something else. This makes me think he’s not interested in me. He tells me it’s just because he’s at work or he’s busy or he’s with friends but somehow I just don’t believe it. He shows interest in my body when he’s around me which makes it even more confusing.

We talked the other day and I told him I feel unwanted sometimes and he said I’m just not that interested in bodies that much they don’t turn me on that much and it’s your face that gets me off more than anything. So why did he watch porn? I’m just left feeling like he’s just settling for me. My self esteem isn’t the greatest but I’ve never had these issues with exes.

Sounds like hard work!

My DH watches porn, i know he does, we’ve spoken about it but I don’t know the frequency. Your BF most likely lied because he was embarrassed since you’ve not been together that long.

It honestly doesn’t bother me but I know some women really don’t like it. I know for my DH it is a very separate thing to our sexual relationship - he doesn’t comment on my “self pleasure” ahem, therefore I don’t bother about his.

If he’s interested in your body and the sex is good when you are together then I don’t see the issue - not everyone is into pics etc, it’s not something we’ve ever exchanged.

I don’t think it’s sitting right with you if your worried when he goes to the bathroom or work etc. Your entirely within your rights to not be happy with it but you just need to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you. x

You sound far too dependent on validation from a man. That's not healthy. All you talk about is what you try to do to please him, worrying that you don't please him, worrying that you're not good enough for him. What about you? You're so desperately focused on pandering to him there is no motivation for him to put effort in, even if he would otherwise be naturally inclined to do so. You need to put more focus into learning to love and value yourself. You don't need the approval of a man to give you purpose in life. You are worth so much more, you just need to realise that.

I think if porn is your dealbreaker, to the extent that you have nightmares about your partner watching it and worry what they’re doing when they’re at work, then the relationship isn’t going to work out. Unless somebody has their own personal objection to porn, however much they claim they’ll stop using it “for your feelings”, the chances are that they simply won’t and will just get more furtive about it. (And I put myself in this category - if someone asked me not to look at porn because it hurt their feelings, I’d just make sure their feelings never got hurt by them finding out I did it, not by stopping doing it.) Think carefully about whether that’s something you can live with.

Some people just don’t get off on nudes. I appreciate and enjoy and get aroused by my partners’ actual, living nude bodies when we’re together; but pictures really don’t do much for me. There’s no sense of movement or interaction and little more to say than tell them how good they look, which gets old after the first couple. It’s no reflection on how attractive I find them or my desire for them. He’s telling you the same. If you’re going to stay with him then you need to work on believing that and not seeing it as an issue you should feel insecure about.

I’ve always had a way with men and I just always knew how to please them before

So your life revolved around pleasing men, and now you've found out your BF watches porn, you throw yourself into sending pics of yourself to get his attention, even though you live together and he sees your body frequently IRL? You seem to have very low self esteem and think your value only lies in your body pleasing men.

Never ever ever send 'pics' over the WWW!
To anyone!
I also think it sounds like you need to 'please men' all the time.
Please look into this and try to understand why.

Does he have a Madonnna/Whore complex? So he likes you to be a "nice girl" but wanks off to porn?

I'd find it pretty disturbing if someone presented themselves as one thing but underneath is a hypocrite.

Sorry if this too private a question but are you vocal in bed at all OP? Sometimes it's not necessarily looking at a naked body or what they are gettting up to but the noises they are making that can make porn appealing.

What I meant by that is that he is totally different to any other man I’ve been with. So I’ve struggled to find ways to please him.

Please ask yourself why you feel you need to please men all the time.

I never said this. I said that I didn’t know how to please him before so I have struggled to find ways to please him. If it makes me happy to please him why is it a problem?

What's wrong with wanting to please a man 🤷🏼‍♀️

You said you've always known how to please men before this one.

As a pp said, stop sending compromising pics. These are often shared amongst mates and sent God knows where.

Can I just correct “I always had a way with men” to “I always found it easy to find out what other men liked” I’m in no way fixated on how to please him. I just often worry that I’m not ideal for him and feel like he could be settling for me. Whether that’s down to low self esteem as I was abused by my ex partner or whether it’s a gut feeling.

Yes I’ve had previous partners? And all of those I’ve found easy to please.. but my current partner is a bit more reserved. What is the issue?

@Curious78 thankyou, I think people are purposely looking for reasons to pick my post apart

@18san18 shocker!

@Curious78 this is my first time ever using mumsnet. Is this a common thing?

@18san18 I just want to say that there are lots and lots of lovely people and comments on this site so please don't be afraid to post a thing. There will always be those who over-analyse, nit pick or are not very tactful in their replies but there will also be plenty of others who are supportive, helpful and caring. So don't worry

I don't agree that she's seeking validation in men, it sounds to me like exes have always been pleased by her in the past but this particular guy for whatever reason is making her feel not so good about herself.
I think it's this particular man that is damaging your self esteem OP, not that you're with him due to lack of self esteem, if that makes sense?

@Tiny2018 exactly, He’s done wonders for my self esteem although he doesn’t give me much feedback on what he likes and what pleases him/ whether im making him happy. I also think that because of my existing self esteem issues that I block out any compliments and try to pick them apart and can’t accept them. This might be why I feel like I’m not doing good enough.

You said he's vanilla and then are surprised when he doesn't want to sext? I mean, that adds up. He obviously doesn't like it. It's nothing about him not wanting you.

Regarding porn: it's obviously a severe issue for you if you have nightmares and constant anxiety. I would end it.