Need advice as feel lost

[Casper22]

Hi

I been with this man for 4 year, lived together for 2. Last 2 years been hell since we moved in together.He didnt treat me and my youngest ( girl 11. Boy 18) very well. He liked my boy...problerly cos of his age and didnt need me that much if that makes sense...friends family have called it emotional abuse..I didnt know at the time...moods swings. Yelling. Accusing me of stuff . Making me sleep on sofa or spare room if I upset him..telling me off for not puffing the cushions or washing up or cleaning his cooker! Telling me I not disciplining me children correctly . Comparing my parenting to his sisters . Comparing my kids to his niece and nephew...my kids dont live up to there standards or to the family way...he started disciplining my youngest about a year ago...didnt like the way she ate her dinner . Sat and ate her dinner. Way she washed up. Wasnt allowed to.play in the garden out front only. No snacks . Wasnt allowed to spend long in her bedroom. Wasnt allowed to watch what she wanted on main TV.. had to walk down the stairs slowly...etc etc etc
He has trashed the property twice in space of 3 months..becouse he wasnt being listened too.or he didnt like my attitude..it was my attitude that made him do it..pulling food out of fridge throwing it across the room. Emptying cupboards well you can imagine the rest..alot went on. Then may this year he had a melt down over something or other not sure what but he was having a bad day...took it out on us...started same pattern shouting . Calling us names...making point it was his house . Threw food everywhere use your imagination anyway he threw us out literally..middle of lockdown.
Since then he had contacted us saying he was sorry couldnt cope with my daughter...she can be hard work as on spectrum for adhd. But he try better..he wants to move house to another council place so we can start again. He loves me. Misses me. I am his best friend etc etc he said he started counselling...then other day he sent me horrible texts saying I got new bloke I was sleeping about..then calling me names left me in tears..then later in the night text me saying sorry he was having a bad day cos of counselling.. he wants me home. Kept giving me time to be home by ie; 5pm..if not then dont bother..next text saying sorry he is stressed as misses me..
Yeserday had voice mail saying can I meet him today at the house. He wants to give us another go. He is sorry loves me. I am his soul mate best friend...he realises how much he had hurt me and wont do it again. He try harder with my daughter. Then he started crying how sorry he was...

Why do I feel guilty! My head is spinning

You need to set aside your own feelings and think of your children. He is blaming your daughter for the issues. He has systematically criticised and punished every movement she has made. He is a toxic person with no remorse no reflection. Don't engage and get him out of your life. He only needs to send 3 unwanted messages in a 3 month period for it to be a crime. Go to the police get a restraining order before his campaign of harassment steps up a notch.

I dont understand why he kept hurting me
Because he is an abuser.
As you are not, you will NEVER understand.
Stop trying to understand.
Just block him.
Keep all messages and contact the police on 101.
Ask for the DV team.
Please also contact Womens Aid and talk to them.
This guy is highly abusive and violent!
Do NOT put your daughter in danger ever again.
Ignore ignore ignore.

Have a read through HERE and also THIS
Get educated on abuse.
Womens Aid also run a course called the Freedom Programme. Sign up and do it fast. This will help you avoid this kind of scumbag in the future.
Do not engage - AT ALL!!!!
Do not allow your children to think that any of this acceptable.
Show them you are strong and that you won't allow them or yourself to be abused ever again.
You should have left a long time ago.
Stay gone!!!!

Do not get sucked back in. He's shown you who he really is. LOOK AT WHAT HE'S SHOWN YOU

Dont go back under any circumstance. Block him. Call the police if he continues.

Why on earth are you putting your poor little girl through that for a man??? I'm appalled. He is bullying her. Please don't go back. Protect your daughter!!! You are all she has!

Hi

Sorry to bother you all I need to talk I got no one to talk too I am so lonely

Not coping today. Cant do all this... in state of panic how did I get like this...how can I cope....trying not to.cry in front of the kids. going to toilet to cry or putting duvet over my face so kids dont hear..
Had voice messages from him saying why didnt I turn up yeserday he said he gave me a chance and I blew him out.... I let him down. I.let us down..he said he thought I loved him and wanted him...then saying why do I love him why do i want him what do I see in him then he started talking dirty ...then he said he give me another chance and meet me today at 3..to talk....he said i am messing with his head but he forgive me ...then he said I cant of loved him that much as I dont answer his calls and I wont meet him...then he said I must be seeing another bloke sleeping about then next voice mail saying sorry for saying that didnt mean it. And he see me at 3..then next one very blunt and angry I better be there....then next one am I turning up or am I going to.let him down again...

How did I get in this position what I cant get out my head today why has he treated us like this ...I have written down last night eveything he put us through my God so.much..I didnt realise so much.....I didnt realise all that he was doing..what he put my daughter through. Way he spoke to her way he was horrible to her in things he said.. yes there were the odd good days he was nice to her...but more than not he was horrible....the slagging me off..the names he called me becouse i said somthing wrong or in his words I pushed his buttons.... accusing me of stuff, the trashing of the home, making me sleep on sofa becouse he didnt like my attitude...making me say sorry for stuff I didnt do..making me pay for all the food and electric becouse he said my kids eat more than him and use more electric than him so I paid for it all plus half rent and half all bills even though he wouldn't put me in the tenancy...everyday I thought to.myself it's ok it's a good day ..hopefully tomorrow be good..that's how I lived hoping it be a good day hoping he be in a good mood...

I just wanted someone to love me and my children
My God what he put me through what he put my kids through ...I was blinded

Catch on.

You’ve let a man abuse and bully your child. You chose that because YOU wanted to feel loved by him.

Everything else pales into insignificance. You must not get back together with this man.

its all.my fault ..I know that it's all my fault..I caused all this to myself . I wasnt good enough for him I am not good enough for my daughter

He is ABUSIVE.
Stop listening to the voicemails. Block. New number. Consider contacting the police as he is harassing you.

By putting your kids through this, especially your young DD the last few years you have done wrong. I'm sorry to say that but perhaps you need to hear it in order to wake up!
You did not protect them from being exposed to this man and toxic relationship but you can now - you are doing that now - you're doing the right thing getting your kids and yourself away. Be in control of this for their sake as well as your own.

No one is 'good enough' for him because be usbt looking for someone to live, he is looking for someone to abuse.
Block him on everything.
If he continues to find ways to harass you - go to the police. Tbh, I would be speaking to them already as he threatened you in his last text. It isnt on op. He is a nutter.

Read up on narcissists, as you are dealing with one, or similar. Melanie tonia Evan's does good youtube videos on them.

You are doing right by your daughter to keep this man out of your life. It might also be wise to get her and yourself some counciling.

*isnt looking for someone to love

How is your daughter doing now? Do you ever feel calmer and ok being away from him?
Cam you envisage a better life away from him

He is blaming everyone else but himself, so how can even begin to change when he doesn't even recognise what's he done?

You did the right thing in not meeting him. I know it's like a hole in the heart, but believe me in less than a month you will feel better you will feel stronger without that black cloud.

For me it took me six months to leave a very abusive relationship. I thought my life was over and how wrong was I! I met someone new who loved and respected me and my daughter. We are now engaged, living together baby on the way and life is amazing!

You can do this don't cheat yourself and your child out of the life you truly deserve.

You have seen the best and the worst of him. It will never get better. You now have to untangle yourself from him which may take some time but start by blocking his number.

Last thing there is this great program called the freedom program which helps you tell the signs of an abuser. I did it and learnt so much!

Please stop listening to his voice mails @Casper22, he's just trying to force you to do as he wants, if you don't listen it will be your start to getting over this horrible man. He's been abusive to you, vile to your DC, all he cares about is him. If you talk to him or go to see him he'll try to blackmail into going back. Just ignore him and if he turns up don't let him in, if necessary call the police for help. I hope you'll find your anger at him and move on and be happy

You've recognised what he is, and that's a great first step. You've even taken the second and are stopping contact with him! You may have been sucked in, in the past but you need to look to the future and making your kids, and you, happy again!

First off, if you dont have any reason to talk to him (needing property you left at the house or important docs) then block him completely and delete all voicemails without listening. Before you block send one final message asking him not to contact you again so it is stated clearly and simply with no ambiguity. Then, start repairing the damage he has done to you and your family. You can do it! You cant change the past but you can sure as heck improve the future.

Is there a reason why you haven't blocked his text messages and emails? Never mind wittering about how you and your daughter are not good enough for him, he is not good enough for you. Why do you struggle to believe that?

Op why haven't you blocked him?!

Do not engage with him he is an abuser. He is not capable of love only control. Dont mistake one for the other. You’ve done the hard bit you are away from him. Block him dont engage and get some support. You can do it and you’ll be happy again and so will your kids.

Send him ONE message. Tell him it is over, his abuse his killed all the love you ever had for him, and that you don't want him to contact you again. If he does, you will call the police.

Then if he calls again, CALL THE POLICE.

You didn't do anything to deserve this. You were nice, you think the best of people, and as an abuser he honed in on your vulnerabilities and used them against you. You've recognised him for what he is now. HE doesn't deserve you. YOU deserve someone so much better than he ever could be.

I've just read the post again and op it seems that you really don't want ro let go here, you want to torture yourself, by not blocking him. You need to put your own feelings aside and put your children first in all this. I'm sounding harsh here but I don't think this has been the case until now. Your daughter needs her mum to provide a loving a safe environment. If you concentrate on that right now, hopefully she will not have any long term effects of the past few years. Time to block op and move the hell on!

Hi op, hope you are doing better today, I want you to look up trauma bond on You tube and listen to a pod cast by Meredith Miller, it will help you understand why you are feeling the way you are. Reading your post took me back to my past relationship, whenever I left, he would beg me to come back, give me ultimatums or belittle me and make it out as if I was making something out of nothing and that it was all my fault. No one has the right to do the things to you and your family that he has. He will never change as you have been pulled into the cycle of abuse were you have accepted the behaviour so he has no brakes when it comes to not acting out the way he does. If you can't put yourself first, please put your children as all this is doing is hurting them and that is the last thing any mum wants 💐

Thank you for all your comments

My daughter is fine..I have had a long talk to her....I have promised her she wont ever see him again...obviously she happy about that..
She is happily playing with her friends online and we have all been out and about to parks playing football etc while weathers nice...she's been laughing playing with her brother ..I have put on a brave face it's been hard to do

Until I get to where I am staying and stop..then the tears come...I never cried in front of my kids ..only in the bathroom. Under my duvet at night...in my car on the way to work. In my car on the way home from work..I havent been able to go out by myself incase I run into someone i Know I am not ready for the hows u..hows the family...I have lost my confidence...so just taking kids out to.Country parks etc

Today been hard ..dont know why...I sit here and just think..I try and think.of the good things we did but I cant , I am trying to.make sense of it all but I cant....maybe the odd occasion he was nice or treated us nice then I cry...
Today I wonder if kids better off living with there dad and if I leave...as the guilt is too.much..
I feel like my head is spinning...I feel lost...like it's not me..Ike it's someone else going through it all.. then one day I wake up and it all be ok. But it's not...i feel guilt. Naive...a leltdown....not good enough..a failure...how stupid was I...

7 weeks of tears why cant I stop...why cant I be angry ...why do I feel lost...why am.i still crying

How will i ever be able to trust anyone again...

Get over yourself, the self pity is nauseating. You put your child through 2 years of abuse at this mans hands.

Get some counselling for your issues and get your poor daughter some too. God love her.

Stop blaming yourself and putting yourself down. It's like a form of grief and your not thinking straight. Honestly look up Trauma Bond and it will explain why you have stayed with someone who has abused you and why you miss them. I have spent years second guessing myself as I couldn't understand how I could love someone if they treated my so badly, was I exaggerating his behaviour in my head, maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe I deserved it as argued back instead of holding my tongue as I knew how he would react. How come his friends still liked him after watching him head butting me and dragging me across the road by hair. I must have deserved it, his own mother blamed me after witnessing him push me into a wall at 8 months pregnant. All this supported my belief that I was to blame and kept me in a relationship with him, I thought he must love me otherwise why would I stay, he maadw me laugh at times, etc. Instead the truth was they were all scared of him and he doesn't know how to love some one. Please, please, please stop being so hard on yourself, imagine your friend was going through this and you were giving her support. Say these things to yourself so that you can stop feeling guilty for something that is not your fault.