Feelings for another man

[CustardPot]

Really besides myself at what to do. One miniute I tell my self to shut up and realise what I have and then I think I must like this other man for a reason it hurts me to think of leaving my partner of nearly 8 years but I can't get this other man out my head.

I have tried cutting off contact for 3 months have even moved jobs ( we used work together). I don't know why I have these intense feelings I am often dreaming of this man which isn't helping ☹️ me and my current boyfriend are not married and got together young I was 18, I still love him and enjoy being with him, the sex isn't as good as used to be but isn't the end all, but with this other man its as though he is more on my wavelength have more in common me I don't think it's a fantasy either as we got to know each other well during work nothing happend just talking about interests/ relationships/ exes.. I quess it's because nothing is really progressing anymore with partner arnt married, no kids jsut been living together past 4 years. I question if I am truly happy but when I think of leaving him it hurts me I just really don't know what to do or have an answer for myself :( xx

There isn’t a huge amount of detail in your post to offer any concrete advice. What is absolutely certain though, is that you are engaged in an emotional affair and you are heading towards a physical one, seeking justification for so doing by overlooking any positives in your actual relationship and overweighting the novelty of a new person. Be careful how you proceed.

It's normal to feel sad when a chapter of your life comes to an end.
You've seen what it would be like if you were with someone more on your wavelength. Even if it isn't this guy. Don't ignore the signs just because you don't like the upheaval.

Make your choice, you can’t have your cake and eat it. Does the OM know that you have these feelings? If not, it really is a fantasy. If you love your partner is this really how he should be treated? Would you like to find out this information if it were you on the receiving end of it.

I feel sorry for your OH. Do the decent thing and tell him you have feelings for another man (if that’s what they truly are). You’re probably just escaping reality, does the other man know you feel this way and does he feel the same?

Honestly no real advice, just don’t lead him on whilst you’re waiting for something ‘better’ to come along. If what you’re feeling is lust towards this other man then it wouldn’t be wise to do anything about it. You’ve already had an emotional affair, do you want a physical one too?

OP has moved jobs to get away from him, says that nothing happened (they just talked about pretty normal topics) and doesn't claim that it is anything more than a one-sided crush. That isn't an emotional affair, it is just fancying someone without acting on it.

You're only 26, you don't have to stay with your first bf forever, it is normal to grow apart. Treat your bf well, don't blame him if you've grown out of one another. If the sex is dwindling he might well be feeling the same.

OP, would you say this has moved onto the area of an emotional affair for you and this other man ?

A big sign of that is if you were telling someone things that pushes the boundaries of your romantic relationship. I.e. things that would hurt your partner either directly or indirectly.

Regardless of anything else , the only advice anyone can give you that is good would be to centre your attentions on your relationship and your partner and decide whether or not that is a relationship that can be saved .

If you decide it can be saved them focus your efforts on that and on building up your own self esteem and confidence , maybe get some counselling or work through self help books.

If you decide it isn't worth saving , then after some time alone to clear your head begin to decide if you would want to pursue a relationship with this other man.

It's the only way to go while being honest.

I really don't know what to do for best :( and yes this man fancys me to his friends told me at work, he started messaging me through Facebook and I did ignore it for months but I can not get him out my head really am in bits what an earth to do, will reply later as at work at moment

My daughter met her bf at 18 and he is really great, but I would love her to get a bit more experience / not settle down with her first bf, simply as it is so helpful to have some comparison. I wish I had. I got on fine with my exh, we were married a long time, but when we broke up after 20 years, I met other people and realised what else I could have had all that time.

When you meet someone new that you get on with, it is always more exciting than an "old" relationship. You can never really compare the end of one relationship with the start of another. But if you are experiencing a level of understanding that you have really never had before... You are not married with children? You're 26, so young ...

If you want to, just do things in the proper order. No overlaps. And don't blame your bf.

It seems to me you are with your current partner more out of habit than an actual desire to be with him. Of course it hurts to end a relationship, but it needs to be done when it's run it's course. You don't have to get to the point of constant fighting or hatred to end things. Sometimes it's as simple as it's just no longer enough.

I think you're wasting your time with your partner, and if you have such strong feelings for another man, you're wasting your partner's time as well. End it and move on.

Its not I'm scared of upheaval it's about leaving someone I trust and still love, it hurts but then the other part of me keeps wanting to be with this other man who I know likes me back. Keep trying to push other guy away and focus on partner stopped contact and moved jobs but he keeps entering my thoughts and now having re occuring dreams of being with this man :( I don't want to waste 7 years down the pan but then how do I know what if... ☹️ Without meeting this man I would be fine I think it's he has highlighted what's missing a kind of connection and someone similar to me really not sure what to do, partner has no idea 😞

You wouldn't be wasting 7 years. You'd have enjoyed 7 years. You'd come out with great memories, lots of experience and insights into how relationships work, knowledge about what you want and don't want, and things you have learned together. Wasting time is when you spend time without having anything to show for it. A relationship doesn't have to last 70 years and produce 6 children for you to get something out of it.

You got together at 18 - when you met, were you expecting to still be together in 10, 20, 30 ... years' time? Was that the plan, meaning that if you don't do that you've failed? (I presume not!)

Don't listen to me if you don't want to leave your bf. Of course you might stay with him and get on great. But, for example, toss a coin - if it's heads you have to stay with your bf; if it's tails you can leave. Then see if you're happy with the result.