How to handle friend - and am I being insensitive?

[QWeRTY12340]

I could just do with some perspective on a situation. I’ve been close friends with someone for about 11 years, at times I’ve felt like she was too clingy and needy but just felt like over time it would stop. It hasn’t and feels like they are dependent on me, their expectations of me almost remind me of being in a possessive relationship. She will call and text often and if she sees me online and not responding will comment on that. There is also lots of talk about how we are ‘best friends’ and different to how I am with other people so she expected to see me more.

Now its become particularly an issue this year as they have struggled with their mental health
. It now feels like there is a lot of excuses for some of her behaviours by stating shes not well etc. I have been sympathetic however it is all too much now and I want space and time to build other friendships and relationships. In truth its just not very fun spending time with her anymore or talking to her. Its not all about her mental health its just that conversations don’t happen naturally I feel like we have less to talk about now. I have discussed my feelings with mutual friends who have said they feel she is possessive over me and argues with me like we are a couple.

I broached it with her a few weeks ago explaining I feel smothered and would prefer more space, they seemed to take it well however they did say lots of things like i dont want to lose you etc asking for reassurances. So cut forward and I had been responding less and just not talking everyday until she got the message. This has now been brought up by her saying I am being cold and this so the time she needs me most and she has done so much for me before and she is not well. You name it she says it. To me it feels very emotionally manipulative and I just want her to leave me alone. I have said as much as explained this is my feelings and to respect them. I haven’t said I wont support but that support cannot me being at their beck and call to speak to constantly as I need to have a break and build up other parts of my life that I feel she has impacted on (dating etc). This hasn’t been understood at and she feels I am cold and she is very upset. The ‘help’ she has given me in the past I am pretty sure she will end up stating it is money she lent me in the past. The thing is she quit her job and has left me in a flat we rented together to pick up most of the costs now so I would say we have evened that out.

I just want to know whether people feel I am being unreasonable basically or any tips on how to manage things going forward. I think she is controlling and possessive but she will not see it ever so I need an alternative way of getting the space without things becoming confrontational.

I would simply acknowledge her comment that she finds you cold. Then take it forward to say you are bring yourself and she should accept that. This means you cannot be the support she wants. Tell her you hope she finds the support she wants but say you accept her view that you are not the right person to provide it.

As to the money issue. Don’t be shabby, if you borrowed money acknowledge it and the need to pay it back. If you equally think she owes you money tell her. But you need to justify it and quantify it. You can’t just pay her off in you head based on your rules.

Btw don’t borrow from manipulative people. It’s a recipe for disaster because it makes you beholden.

Have you paid back the money you owe her? If not, do that ASAP. I don't think the flat situation is relevant. Once that is done, you can end the friendship.

Hi yes sorry just to confirm the loaning was years ago and paid back, I am just assuming she is saying it because at that time it was when I struggled financially. I see the point though the flat thing is not fair for me to mention that I guess I just mean I do things for her too so its manipulative to try and throw things back at me.

The thing is I dont want the friendship to end but she needs to just be more balanced like get support she needs elsewhere as I am not in s position to give as much as she wants. I just find her too controlling so trying to shake that off a bit and make it like a normal friendship

You are not going to be able to 'change' her - so don't pin your hopes that the right words from you are going to magically change her into a considerate friend.
Decide your boundary of what is acceptable contact and stick to it.
So what if she thinks you are cold - you know you are not, or maybe its just another way of using words to manipulate you and keep telling yourself that.
You have an image in your head of the friend you want - I don't think she can fall into that category anymore than you want to be the kind of friend she has in her head about you...

Tell her that you do have a lot of love for her as a friend, but this is becoming awkward. You can see she is not well but she is demanding too much time and attention and it is suffocating you. Ask her to please get some professional support so that in the future you can work towards a more relaxed and balanced friendship, because right now you need to take a step back because its making you ill

I think you are just going to go cold turkey and carry on as you are. Limit the amount of texts you send (one a day?) and ignore any abuse. Don’t respond to her attention seeking.

If she mentions the money again, perhaps respond to it once, then shut the matter down. Ie “I really appreciate your help and support during a financially difficult time in the past, and as you know, that has all been resolved now. I do not wish to discuss it any further”.

Remember, her life isn’t your responsibility.. She’s acting like a toddler not getting her own way. She’s probably used to people Being at her beck and call, and you calling out on her is new for her.

You may have to face the fact that you will have to cut her out completely, as it sounds like she is draining you mentally and emotionally.

Could you say that you're sorry she feels you are being cold, but that you must distance yourself for your own well-being, as the friendship has become too intense, you feel smothered, and you wish to get it back on a more balanced footing.

Just state that you don't want to the friendship to end, but that you won't be able to be in contact as frequently as she wants, as you have many other demands to juggle. Acknowledge that you have been and can continue to be, supportive friends to each other, but that you both need to devote time to other aspects of your lives in order for your friendship to be a healthy one. Good luck!

Thanks everyone I’m glad I posted I feel better about my decision, she had me questioning how I’ve approached it.

I think you are all right, she is impacting on me now and too demanding and I need to stop trying to change it and all I can do is express my feelings and it is for her to manage that.

She is definitely used to her family enabling her behaviours so I think she is unable to see how she is. She also has aspergers which makes me wonder if she would be able to see it from my perspective anyway (sorry I hope I’ve phrased that okay I don’t mean to stereotype).

You must endeavour to take her behaviour at face value and let the relationship go if need be. You have (respectfully) no right to ask her to change, any more than she does you.

@Perfectstorm12

You must endeavour to take her behaviour at face value and let the relationship go if need be. You have (respectfully) no right to ask her to change, any more than she does you.

Thats a very good way to look at it actually