Mental health advice for my DM

[Lickmylegs0]

Since the restrictions have listed I’ve seen my DM twice. I’ve always had concerns - but after my last visit - I’m very concerned and would really appreciate some advice on how best to help her.
My father passed away in 2018. She lives alone and has a large house to look after. My sister and I keep in touch with her regularly and we both live about 2 hours away - we both have families, young children who are at school.
DM’s anxiety is huge - and it is very difficult to suggest anything to help. Control seems to give her security - so when I visit, I find it best to go along with what she says. I listen, and most of what she says is negative - so I try to balance by turning it into a positive, or trying to calm her down.
Examples include :
We met outdoors. She said she was very anxious about us coming as she wanted everything to be perfect. She seemed happy at first, but then she could smell a bbq in the distance - so we had to pack everything up very quickly because she suddenly got very upset. We moved to her garden - but this also wasn’t right because she could hear the neighbours (they were fine, not loud). She says she feels claustrophobic and oppressed by the neighbours.
DM doesn’t make contact with us - and always waits for us to initiate contact. I contact every few days via Skype/text. DS does the same. Even Skype is difficult as she will suddenly say the screen gives her a headache and we’ll have to end conversation. She then has to lie down to recover. She won’t visit us (pre lockdown) even if we drive to pick her up - and drive her back - she is too anxious (doesn’t like being driven on the motorway, lorries are too close etc).
She says she wants to downsize her house, but she is very attached to everything in her house (almost hoarding type personality) and throwing anything away would cause a great deal of upset.
My sis and I are at a loss as to what to do. We want to help, but it’s so difficult. Our suggestions are usually met with animosity. We’ve realised it’s best to go along with what she wants - but she is so anxious - about even the slightest thing. I think she needs to see a doctor - but she’d get so upset if I suggested this.

I’d really appreciate any advice on how to help her and handle this.

Bump, bump, bumpity bump.

Ugh. She sounds much like mine (who died in the pandemic earlier this year.) I have every sympathy. Mine accessed some help by going to her GP with me, but she was willing to go, so you may have to wait until she gets even worse. Or local social services? Call her local Age UK and see what they suggest?

Is she on any medication? Has she seen the GP? Has this got significantly worse since your DF died?

It sounds like she needs treatment for anxiety.

What would she see her problem as being? It's only a problem if the person themselves sees it as such.
You are probably better off ringing her on the phone if she doesn't like Skype?
Suggest the GP again for an overall check up, and try to go with her. After that then just keep doing what you are doing. She probably won't change to be honest so it's a matter of learning to live with it. Would she go and live near one of you?

Sorry OP, forgot to ask, how old is she?

Thanks for your responses.
@VeryQuaintIrene I’m sorry to hear that. Yes, that’s good idea. I think a cleaner/carer would help. She used to have a gardener - but she stopped employing her because she wasn’t happy about the way she did things. DM is very territorial - if I try to help in the kitchen, she hovers over everything I touch or do - and she wants things done in an exact way.
@TornadoOfSouls 75, no medication. She had a big op before Xmas and the doctor suggested she see GP over her anxiety. She would be very resistant to any medication because she fears side effects. After her OP, she wouldn’t take the med advised by the doctor. She has always had these traits - a few years ago she threw a stone near someone - and she shouted at them because she thought they were in her space. More recently - I was conversing with her normally, and she suddenly had a manic episode over a magpie in the garden. It was scary to witness.
@Seaweed42 Anxiety - and irrational behaviour. She prefers to Skype so she can see grandchildren. If I rang she’d ask to Skype. But then she gets a migraine...
My current strategy is to behave almost like a puppet, so she feels like she can control situations. Every negative statement, I turn into a positive. I praise everything she does, and try to make her laugh - humour works very well!

My MIL had Alzheimer’s and the anxiety and control and negativity surfaced after DFIL died.We emailed her GP and persuaded MIL to book in for a review health check- GP was v helpful and I was allowed to go in with her- could you have a chat with her GP? Of course until things settle down I can’t see how it could work.I’m not saying this is her problem- just explaining what we did in similar circumstances

That’s great advice - thank you @mollymalone123. A health check sounds more positive than - ‘I think you need to see GP over your anxiety’. And if I went along with her, I think she’d agree to that. I’ve just read a little about Alzheimer’s too. She’s very shaky when making tea, and has incontinence issues.

I am wondering as well about dementia. It can start in the 10 years before any obvious symptoms. Things like acting out of character, or a sudden change in routine that has been in place for decades. Or denying something that was always a regular habit eg. 'hating' a food they always ate.
Another sign is losing the frame of reference for time and space and dates. All events or past experiences sometimes are free floating, they can't place them in a linear way like childhood to present.
The throwing of a stone at someone for example, it's like she forgot she wasn't a 70+ women, she felt aged 7 and acted that.

We mistook Alzheimer’s for grief-by the time she had a diagnosis dr’s said she had had it for at least 3years.She became very insular and she starting buying tons of stuff to store- it wasn’t until we went in wardrobes that we came across stacks of stuff-hoarding is a sign too.im sure your go woukd agree to seeing her under the guise of a health check.Xx 💐

Thanks again! I would say she’s always had these behaviours - but they are getting more extreme. I had a look here www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/10_signs - and there is a useful section differentiating between typical age related change and alz. I’d put her more in age related change, but it’s definitely something to keep an eye on.

Her time reference is fine. The stone throwing happened more than 5 years ago - but the frequency of odd episodes like that is increasing. I think the anxiety, control, hoarding, territorial behaviour is neurological - and I think whereas I’ve been frustrated by them, I’m trying to think more that she may not be able to control it.

To me the anxiety alone sounds really debilitating. I agree that it sounds like other things are going on too. It’s unfortunate that she’s resistant to taking medication, because if she was able to reduce her anxiety she’d feel loads better, be able to cope better and you’d probably have a better idea of what’s going on - grief, anxiety, dementia, and just personality/eccentricity.

You sound like you’re a brilliant support to her. But I think you must take her to the GP (a ‘health check’ is a great idea) and try to get her some help. She sounds mentally ill and distressed by her illness and given that she’s only 75 she, and you, could be dealing with this for another 20 years. A person being elderly doesn’t mean their mental health issues shouldn’t/can’t be treated. Of course she might refuse help, but I think you should be as firm as possible in trying to get some for her. I don’t agree that it’s only a problem if she experiences it as such - it’s clearly problematic for you and your DSis and has stopped your DM taking (presumably important) medication. It would also be a problem for anyone she has to live with in due course, carers, etc.