It's a long and confusing one sorry! Also name changed as it must be outting!?
Since growing up I was always told my maternal grandad immigrated from Spain and was Spanish. My dad, his family, my mums friends, her employer all were told the same. My grandad died when he was very young.
My mum cut contact with my auntie and grandma when I was a child, they were the only family she had. In 2011 I was 14 and saw my grandma for the first time when she was dying. We used to write letters to each other but I remember that my mum used to open them first and read anything I had written first. When my grandma died I helped my mum clear out her flat and I found an immigration pass, merchant navy documents and some photos of a south Asian man. I really wasn't sure who it was but I didn't tell my mum I found them as my mum has always been very secretive about her family and used to get annoyed if I asked anything. I asked my dad about it but he dismissed it and my brother did too so I left it.
Cut to now and I've started doing my family tree using ancestry. I was talking to my cousin about what my grandma and grandads names were as I couldn't find her and he told me to ring my auntie if I wanted to know anything as he wasn't sure. I did and my auntie told me the truth, my grandad was from Bangladesh he worked in the merchant navy and settled here in the late 40's/early 50's where he met my grandma who was already married with two children. My auntie only found out about the other siblings in the 90's she told my mum and she already knew, my dad doesn't know about the siblings but that secret doesn't upset me and feels more personal to my mum and auntie.
My auntie fell out with my mum because she wanted to see the documents and only photos of my grandad but my mum said she put all of it in my grandmas coffin. I'm not sure if she did as I might of seen them since but I can't be sure if that was before the burial.
My mum and grandma told my auntie never to talk about her dad in front of my dad before my mum and dad got married as my mum wasn't proud of her heritage. I think also my dads racism probably played a role in that, my auntie didn't agree or disagree when I said that! My auntie used to have to remind my cousins when they came over not to ever say anything. My auntie is really proud of her dad and her heritage but agreed not to say anything as it was my mums choice.
Luckily my grandad was a well respected man in my city and he is spoken about in some research papers I've found. He helped create the first mosque here, was involved in helping other Muslim immigrants integrate and find jobs. It is amazing to read about him! I feel so lucky that I can find out about him. His burial was a huge event and people came from all over the country, they collected for him and gave him a Muslim burial in spaces that he had helped purchase specifically for Muslims in the cemetery, the first ones in my city designated only for Muslims. He also had 4 brothers, my auntie knows of at least two uncles that also moved to the U.K. i am contacting people to find out more about them and if any of them are still alive. i am passing on everything that I'm finding to my auntie who is very happy to help me and receive any new info. She was only 4 when he died and wasn't encouraged to discuss him.
My grandads grave/headstone was racially vandalised and destroyed in a spree of racial attacks in the Muslim section of the cemetery. I actually remember it been on the local news at the time but had no idea it could of been related to me.
I can't describe why I feel so angry about the lies but I can't let it go I'm constantly thinking about it. My dad makes soo many comments about Pakistanis, Indians, refugees, immigrants, benefits all that stuff. I've always disagreed but still, my mum has been there and she's agreed with him too.
My auntie told me if I tell my mum about any of this then I should be prepared for her to cut contact with me, I think she probably would too. I'm also worried she might throw away the photos and documents if I tell her I know if she hasn't gotten rid of them already. I won't be carrying on the lie to my son but how do I stop him ever mentioning anything? She'd of lied to me for the rest of her life I'm sure of it. She will still lie unless I tell her I know and I don't want to hear another lie.
I will probably have to delete this and I'm not sure what I want from posting it. It feels good to write it all down though. I've always loved my mum but I feel very differently about her and my childhood now. I keep remembering every time she told me something that wasn't true and she took away my chance to understand my own heritage.