Recovery from abuse is hard!

[Fightingback16]

Does anyone else feel that sometimes it’s just so hard?

I’m having one of those days where it seems impossible. I feel so different to the person I used to be, so far away. But I also know I will never be the same person. I’m stuck in this kind of limbo, unsure if being human will ever be automatic again. I’m sure brighter days are ahead and that I’ve been through so much, today is just a rubbish day.

Yes, it is very hard. I thought that once I was out, I would feel overjoyed, relieved etc. But in fact it is real ups and downs.

How long have you been out, and how do you feel?

I agree with walkingwounded. You think you are finally free and get over the abuser thinking everything is great but thats not the end of it. I've read so many articles and my understanding of why, how and the damage is great but how do you undo it?? How can you fix a way of thinking that's been drilled into you? I understand it but I cant stop it.

It is hard. And when you have kids with them you sometimes have to have a conversation. Exh pulled the old “complete reverse reality and logic” trick today - I wasn’t expecting it and was blindsiddd.

@Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches

It is hard. And when you have kids with them you sometimes have to have a conversation. Exh pulled the old “complete reverse reality and logic” trick today - I wasn’t expecting it and was blindsiddd.

I feel like I'm dealing with Jekyll and hyde with mine and we share a daughter so I have no choice. Having to deal with an abuser is challenging when you are trying to get over the abuse

But you know, every day that passes is a triumph. At least you are noticing a bad day, rather than being subject to it all the time.

The thing is, though, although it’s three steps forward and two back, we are still heading in the right direction....

Give yourself time OP, and loads and loads of kindness. Take care of yourself in the way that he didn’t.

We’ll get there. Just have to hang on through the bad days 💐

I left last Feb and went no contact in December. It’s taken a long time for me to even get to this place, I was very traumatised. I had an emotional breakdown. I have our daughter 24/7 as he has no contact. I feel bad as some days I just want to be alone and feel crap but I’m never alone and have to put a brave face on it.

Today for some reason I just don’t feel brave, I feel rubbish, a mess. I guess at least I can say I feel rubbish. I just don’t really know who I am anymore.

You are completely normal. This is part of trauma recovery.

It’s especially difficult during lockdown since normal support systems are suspended and if you are doing childcare 24/7 then you are having no break for you.

If you only went no contact in December, that’s not long, op. You will have continued to be traumatised by the contact prior to that.

Things that have helped me are:
Visit to the docs to access Phone counselling and consider short term anti depressants
Making sure I manage a walk each day even with DC. - get natural endorphins going
Reading a lot about trauma recovery & trauma effects on the brain
Taking advantage of time after dc in bed to feel rubbish

But op it’s a long haul,and you shouldn’t expect anything of yourself for at least a year.💐 to you.

And part of abuse, particularly if it’s emotional, is that it messes with your head. You don’t know who you are because he erased that, making you doubt and question yourself.

Apparently that part takes the longest time to come back. I am not there yet,op.

But the time will come when you feel well enough to start getting to know yourselfagain. And there is a peaceful and happy life ahead. It’s just a gradual and pretty up & down road to get there.

I had to go no contact in Dec because he was so aggressive to me in front of dd who is 4 now. He kept making demands said I deserved it because I took his family away. He put her in danger so contact was stopped and so far an application has not been sent. Despite his constant threats to.

Some days I feel I can do this, others I can’t. My memories are odd and disconnected. It never looks so bad now I’m viewing it and and with all the knowledge I gained. I can’t help blaming myself for staying but I know that at the time I was hooked. I don’t know if I’m weak or strong. I don’t like the same things I did before. I don’t like that I was a victim and that I have these memories. I don’t know what I want or how to get what I want. Being an adult and a human does not feel automatic at the moment.

The lie was so much earlier then the truth. It was easier being in the relationship then out, but out I am. I guess a lot can be destroyed in 12 years, hopefully it won’t take 12 years to come back.

It's unbelievably difficult

I’m not even really that scared anymore of what has happened. I just never realised how much of myself I have lost, I feel that loss. I can’t be who I was.

Definitely hard, I still suffer from anxiety, trauma and depression because of my past relationship. This relationship ended in 2015, met my now partner in 2018 and he's an absolute angel. I still don't feel my full self, before the abusive relationship I'd always make an effort on my appearance, I'd always be out with friends and family, I was very social. Now I hardly see anyone, let my self go, not very social and always indoors as I feel safer. My partner is so supportive with me and understands why I am the way I am, but loves me anyway.

I just wish for myself I could go back to the old me, I hate the shell I am now.

So do I, I wish I was who I was before.

I still suffer from anxiety, trauma and depression because of my past relationship

This. Add on ongoing pressures brought about if he's refused to leave the family home or has continued to abuse through adversarial behaviour in the divorce process. Plus anything you've had to do to put your child(ren) first.

Lockdown has rocked everyone. If you've been abused you are already on weaker foundations and it's going to hit harder.

💐💐 to you OP and other posters. I have found it so hard and it's comforting to know it's not just me.

What I find difficult is that I can’t remember what I did or what I used to do to feel calm doesn’t exist anymore. I’m not sure what to do to feel like myself.

Completely agree, op. For me the hardest thing is watching the man who abused me living a superficially 'happy and successful' life with gfs etc while i'm stuck in this 6 year long limbo of survival. And fear, constant fear because we depend on him financially for CM. One of the things that shook me was how my 'friends' and 'family' either sided with him or just melted away altogether. The fuckers

Let's help propel each other forward.

I think that the main thing is you have to be kind to yourself , always. Never judge yourself for "allowing" yourself to be abused. It was never the case that you allowed it to happen.

I remember reading once that some if the techniques abusers use are copied by agencies such as the CIA when interviewing or trying to get information out of people.

Even the strongest people in the world are affected by abusive behaviour. People are affected by abusive behaviour even when they know what/why is happening and you had to work it all out by yourself and free yourself from the situation.

You deserve all the focus and thoughts to be on you, whenever you think about the abuser , try and turn the thoughts in to you instead. If you think "why did he do that?" Change it to "I can't believe I got through that, and it's over".

It's not going to happen overnight , abuse is extremely damaging BUT it is very possible to overcome it and not only do you feel free but you also appreciate the feeling.... It's a very good place to be.

One of the things that shook me was how my 'friends' and 'family' either sided with him or just melted away altogether. The fuckers

I'm so sorry to read that Ruffle. That must hurt.