I'm in the process of going through my 2nd divorce and am wondering where I keep going wrong. What is wrong with me? Is it me or am I choosing the wrong men? Sorry if this ends up being long.
Met DH1 in my mid 20's. Married after 2.5 years and had DD 2.5 years later. By this time, DH had become a little abusive/controlling. Constant put downs (often in front of others), nothing was ever good enough, expected me to do everything with DD and in the home even though I worked 4 days a week, moods/anger and would disappear for days when we disagreed. He was also financially controlling and I would have to justify everything I spent from the joint account, even on DD. I stuck it out until DD was 18 months and then left. He may well also have had an affair but I never found out. His now DW3 was on the scene within a few weeks of me leaving.
I didn't see any red flags at the time and he was very nice to me until not long after we got married. He had a poor relationship with his ex which I now realise was more about him than her, but being in love I believed everything he said.
Met DH2 8 months after separation. It didn't feel too soon at the time as I'd mentally left DH1 a long time before I physically did.
Married DH2 after 3 years and had what I thought was a good marriage. We had DD's of the same age and spent a number of years as a happy blended family. We had a good amount of child free time and were able spend time as a couple.
We were generally happy, other than the usual arguments, (and he did drive me mad with how lazy he was) and I thought we would always be able to work through any issues we had.
What I didn't realise is that DH2 wouldn't discuss anything that was bothering him. About 8 months ago he suddenly told me he was unhappy and left 2 weeks later. This was a huge shock as I didn't know anything was wrong but I now wonder if things had been building for him and he suddenly just wanted out. He initially told me he was depressed and loved me but wasn't in love with me any more. He then said he didn't like my DD and couldn't be a step-parent any more (after 7+ years).
I haven't heard from him since. It's like the last 8 years meant nothing to him. I'm in the process of getting divorced but sometimes am still reeling somewhat about what happened and how quickly.
I felt a great sense of shame getting divorced the first time and this is no different. I feel like I've failed. I'm not sure I'd get married again but I don't really want to be on my own forever either.
How do I make better choices next time?