lockdown killing relationship

[Marie2468]

My partner and I moved in together just a few weeks before lockdown started.

I have always lived on my own, so I felt apprehensive about living with my partner as it was, so lockdown has been a big test on top of the test of getting used to living together!

The first 8 weeks were amazing - perhaps the honeymoon period and all the excitement of living together. But the past month or so has been awful. We are bickering constantly all the time. Over stupid things like who has been doing the most housework, who's turn it is to do the dishes, who's turn it is so make dinner etc.

I feel like we don't even talk anymore. We are both working from home so we are together nearly all the time. We have a dog so often we go on walks together which are nice, and a lot of the time one of us will go on our own to have some space.

We do separate things still in the house - my partner will sometimes play a video game upstairs and I will be downstairs, or we will have separate zoom calls with friends. My partner also has friends who live in our village so they have been meeting up in the past week or so to go on socially distanced walks.

I just feel like this lockdown has highlighted problems in our relationship and is making us take eachother for granted. I feel like all we talk about is mundane household stuff like what is for dinner? Even though we are together all the time, I don't feel like any of it is quality time, if that makes sense?

I just feel like we are living under the same roof at the moment. I feel like we barely even kiss eachother lately!

I just feel really depressed about how things are. I don't want to turn into one of those couples who just become housemates. Who lose their spark and passion. We still have months left before we go back to work and I don't know if we will make it :(

I feel invisible and I feel alone in my own house. I like I am just here to do the housework. I have made suggestions of us making sure we put our phones away at dinner, try and do different things on the weekend to make it "quality time", to say good morning to eachother in the morning and not just automatically reach for the phone and start mindlessly scrolling. I feel like everything I say is falling on deaf ears

What happens on a typical evening when neither of you have other arrangements? Do you chat while you eat dinner? Watch TV together etc?

Totally agree with you that no phones at dinner is essential!

Ok, take a step back OP. Remember that you have been pretty much immediately placed into an intense and relentless situation. All of the things you would normally do have not been possible and you have lived in each others pockets for the last 13 weeks.

Sometimes me and DH don't want to talk all the time once the kids are in bed. We will separate ourselves off to give each other some space to please ourselves and have some downtime. I am WFH and it's full on right now as I find zoom meetings all day intense and draining, the kids are hyper and bored and my husband is sole carer in the day right now with no breaks for any of us.

Don't make any rash decisions in lockdow

This happens a lot when couples move in together even without lockdown.
I would definitely nip it in the bud now, research about healthy communication and work at it together

We just normally eat dinner together, go for a dog walk, and then come back and watch TV. To be honest, I am SO BORED. I'm not a big TV person anyway so watching it every evenings just feels really dull. Most the time we end up just going on our phones and not watching the TV properly anyway.

It feels like to me that he is on his phone all the time - and when we have been trying to have "quality time" like on our daily walks, or sat in the garden, and he is on his phone it really annoys me. It makes me feel redundant and invisible. I have told him about this so many times, but he says that he only scrolls for a few minutes so why is it a big deal? I just feel starved of his attention and presence.

I feel like I should be thinking wow we are together all the time, I am having SO much attention - but it isn't that way at all!!! Obviously when we weren't living together, we would go days without seeing eachother so when we did see eachother, we would really appreciate it and be really focused on each other. Whereas now, it just seems like even though we are physically together all the time, mentally we aren't connected at all :(

I know that obviously that is natural, you can't miss someone and long for them when they are just downstairs or whatever, but I just feel really neglected and invisible, and it is really getting me down.

I have suggested things like trying to have a romantic dinner or something, but I know it will be up to me to do it.

I want him to put his phone away in the evenings or first thing in the morning, and make me feel like connecting with me again is a priority. I just want him to make an effort and not let things slide :( I don't want to be one of those couples who act like housemates and lose all their passion and spark

OP, to be honest it's a bit hard to tell if your expectations are unrealistic or if he is being an arse - or a bit of both! Your comment about how you thought you would have so much attention kind of points to the former. It's just not like that after you move in together! And the bit about being so bored is probably because of lockdown. We're all going a bit crazy by this point! On the other hand it is reasonable to expect him to put his phone down during mealtimes or when you're having a conversation with him. And to expect him to pull his weight with the cooking and cleaning.

I think you are stuck in a rut, me and my husband have been together for over twenty years and lockdown has tested us. I think you're actually doing better than you think.

First thing we did when we realised we were getting bored and not really "seeing" each other we decided we would have a talk at the beginning of each day/evening. We would each say what we wanted that day....I.e. time together...time alone....
Would we cook and do housework together or do separate chores?

Would we go for a walk or a cycle together? Would we play cards or a boardgame?
Would we watch one programme together?

We started having pamper nights with his and her facemasks and pedicures.

We started a book club with just the two of us... We started having crossword competitions
We started helping each other with new technology , getting to grips with everything like Zoom etc .

Anyway , just a thought . I think it could be a start if you tried having a chat regularly about the little things you want and need now .

I just tried to speak to him again and I said I feel like we are really distant from each other. He said that he felt the same. As soon as he said that I was like, what really?! I kind of don't want him to feel like that because then it feels like it isn't just in my head - but a real genuine problem.

I feel terrified now that we have fizzled out and I am making it a big catastrophe:(

I have BPD so I have a big fear of abandonment and am freaking out right :( him saying he feels distant makes me feel so scared and like I am not wanted and the only option is to leave and then he will miss me and it will feel connected again - Iam crazy I know!

Just renegotiate. You alternate making dinner and the other one does the dishes.

No phones during dinner and on the dog walk and whatever other time you think.

Make sure you include time to be with your friends and he with his and schedule some together, no phone time.

If you can’t agree to that then may some counselling to help with communication

Is he motivated to feel less distanced in the relationship, OP? Because I think that is the crux - you sound motivated to take steps to increase intimacy, but it is not enough just for you alone to want that; he has to be engaged to want to find solutions too.

OP,
Relationships take work.

Moving in together at this time was alwsys going too be challenging.

He feels distant too.
So ask him what he feels would help you both feel more connected.

The one red flag is you are arguing about housework. Big NoNo as far as I am concerned.

Ye should be getting on the same page re who does what.

Talk about how easy resentment grows.

Phones at tables are also a really poor habit to get into.

Talk about YOUR expectations as to how you and he should work and share house duties.

If he's a lazy arse and not prepared to pull his weight, then cut your losses.

Lazy men are seriously unattractive.
You need to be less afraid of this failing and more focused on what your deal breakers are.

When I read that he felt the same as you I thought that was a good thing. I really do. If you were feeling distant and he wasn't that would indicate a bigger problem in my opinion. You both see the same thing, and you both care about the same thing . It's a good thing .

Please , take a few breaths and calm. I don't know much about BPD but I do know you feel things very deeply and honestly , you can work on this problem. Nothing you've said sounds like a dealbreaker. At all.

But I'd be a bit wary of coming on too strong! Desperation is not attractive ! I would simply be asking for his input into what he feels you both can do to increase the connection. If he's not very forthcoming leave it rather than force the conversation and maby ask if you can both speak about that again in a couple of days time.

@WaitingForTheTurn79

When I read that he felt the same as you I thought that was a good thing. I really do. If you were feeling distant and he wasn't that would indicate a bigger problem in my opinion. You both see the same thing, and you both care about the same thing . It's a good thing .

Please , take a few breaths and calm. I don't know much about BPD but I do know you feel things very deeply and honestly , you can work on this problem. Nothing you've said sounds like a dealbreaker. At all.

I told him that I miss our connection and he says he misses it too... I asked him how he thought we could feel closer etc and he just responded with "I don't know", and that he feels like he already makes a lot of effort...

Responses like that just make me feel dismissed and that he can't be arsed!

He doesn't sound willing to work on it OP but might be doing what a lot of people unfortunately do - hoping the other person ends it so they don't have to.

Sorry, it's rubbish when promising starts fizzle but this isn't making you happy. And with BPD one of the most destructive things you can possibly do is continue a relationship when you are feeling disconnected, rejected and disappointed. It will turn to resentment and drama, which then leads to a toxic dynamic.

Personally I think maybe give it a couple of weeks to see if anything changes but if not then I think one of the best things someone with BPD can do is to learn to walk away from situations that trigger their symptoms.

If he isn't willing or able to match your level of investment in the relationship and drive things forward equally this will end up spiralling into a bad episode for you. Sorry OP - see this as an opportunity to acknowledge and take control of your self awareness. It's a powerful thing to do that and you'll feel proud of yourself.

Oh right well that's different , does he put in a lot of effort? Did you ask him to explain what he does to keep the connection between you strong,?

Sometimes people need a bit of time to think about stuff , could you ask to talk about it again another time. Maybe he didn't know what to say at that time ... give him another chance

Does he really make any effort though? You haven’t described him making any effort!

You are both still learning how to live with each other, it's understandable there may be some issues. DH and I don't take turns with chores, there are days where I wash up more than him and vice versa, and days where I'm really in a cleaning mood so whiz around everywhere whilst he reads or games. I don't begrudge him that, it's my decision to clean and I know there's likely another day coming up where he'll get the urge but I'll want a rest. To be honest we rarely talk about cleaning, cooking etc, we just get on with it. It's important that both of you can step up and look out for one another without keeping score on whose turn it is to do what. Do you make an effort with each other in other ways? How do you relax and have fun with each other? Try not to worry OP, sometimes sparks come in peaks and falls.

Hi everyone,

I feel confused, one minute I feel hopeful, the next I feel anxious again.

I had an evening college class over Zoom last night, when I came downstairs he had tidied the living room and kitchen, done the washing up, done hoovering, cleaned the surfaces, and made a home cooked meal. And had lit some candles.

This felt so nice and I was really surprised as I felt everything had fallen on deaf ears! I was really appreciative and grateful. I said to him that I was sorry for keeping on "nagging", I just feel really worried of letting our relationship slide and eventually things get to a point where it fizzles out for good and I don't want that!

I asked him how he thought we could feel more connected again and his reply was sex... I said no, I mean mentally! I explained I have to feel emotionally connected for sex. He just said he didn't know...

I said to him this morning that I am feeling anxious because we haven't had a proper talk about it, he said he wants me to stop talking about it because everytime I bring it up it just brings to mood down and makes him focus on us being "disconnected" whereas if I just focused on being positive and close then we would get closer...

He said he hates it when I ask him for reassurance if he still wants to be together and loves me etc..

I really appreciate the romantic gesture and meal, but I feel anxious that we haven't spoken properly. I don't know whether to just put my thoughts to one side for a week or so and just try to focus on being affectionate and loving and see if that naturally makes us feel closer?

I asked him how he thought we could feel more connected again and his reply was sex... I said no, I mean mentally! I explained I have to feel emotionally connected for sex. He just said he didn't know...

Well he gave you his answer - and it could well work the other way around for him, that sex makes him feel more emotionally connected. Not saying you should do it, just acknowledging that it's tough when you both want the same thing but need to get to it in different ways.

In all honesty, it sounds like it might help to take the pressure off. As PPs have said, everyone's finding it tough at the moment and you aren't doing too badly, you're both clearly invested in the relationship. It seems the problem might be more overthinking this and drawing conclusions about the state of the whole relationship rather than just seeing this as a difficult time for everyone and taking things a moment at a time. It must be extra hard with your BPD, but if you can keep things in context of the lockdown and not read too much into either the honeymoon period or the bickering and boredom then I think you could find a way through. It's not necessarily making any big statements about how compatible or connected you are. It's just life at the moment and as long as you stay on the same side, I think it's okay to muddle through looking at your phones or moaning about the telly or whatever helps you feel better.

Your last comment about putting your thoughts to one side sounds right to me, although I'd also be less strategic than focusing on being loving for a week. You could do that for a few days then feel resentful if it doesn't 'work'. If possible, I'd just take a breath and do something else whenever you feel the tension rising, even if it means looking at your phone. Cut yourselves and each other some slack and wait till this unreal pressure of lockdown subsides before drawing conclusions.

"In all honesty, it sounds like it might help to take the pressure off."

Just to clarify, the 'it' in that sentence doesn't refer to the sex. I've moved on from that to a wider point!

It's hard work being in a relationship with a needy person.
You need to relax. Enjoy his company. Don't over think every word and interaction. Just be.
Sex is great for reconnecting. Laugh and joke around. Don't be all serious. Serious relationships are serious because you have committed to being together. There not serious because you have to act seriously all the time.

Him saying that you could use sex to feel more emotionally connected isn't a wrong answer, in fact it's an honest one. A lot of men need sex to feel emotionally connected to their partners and a lot of woman need to be emotionally connected to have sex. If you keep prioritising both of these you have the basis for a good, solid , relationship.

Maybe the candlelit dinner was his way of trying to be emotionally connected to you . To be honest I think you gave him the baton and he didn't just run with it , he made a really good effort, nothing was going to be solved that day, this is a let's see if we can work on it situation.

It sounds to me like there's one thing you want him to do and he's not doing it. You don't want to tell him directly so you're going about the houses and trying to get him to say it indirectly .. is there something you need from him but aren't getting?

I think he's trying and I think giving him something back that he's telling you he needs wouldn't be a bad idea at this point. He's saying he needs a more positive frame of mind about your relationship and this could something that you can give him. You could start telling him the things you like about him and about you as a couple. Connect in that type of discussion?