Is this gaslighting?

[avacadotoastee]

Over the years I've had many disagreements with my dh. Overall I'd love to leave but I'm very much trapped financially.
Disagreements include him being very controlling with money and general things like him telling me that I am this that and the other.
When I speak to him he's often silent. I ask him to talk back and tbh it's been pretty unbearable during lockdown as we live remotely and it's just me him and our one dc.
I have questioned his silence and he tells me he does speak back. He doesn't.
Yesterday a new neighbour moved in, he introduced himself and my dh just stood there awkwardly. To be fair the silence does extend to other people. I said hello to the neighbour but the meeting was so awkward by now the neighbour had turned to walk off.
I said to my dh how come you didn't say hello my dh said he did say hello. I said it wasn't very social to just stand there and dh said he was sociable he spoke back he said hello. I said he didn't say anything.
He then told me my hearing isn't quite what it used to be and when lockdown ends I should get it checked.
Is that gaslighting? There's nothing wrong with my hearing. He'd now walked off annoyed.
I don't think there's much I can actually change. Just want to know I'm not simply mad I supposed.

Can you not email a solicitor for some advice ?

He's gone to fix something in the garage thank goodness.
Yes he is very strange. I know that. The silence thing is hard to deal with. It's like I'm not even in the same room as him. He will often walk past me as if I'm invisible.

I'm worried if a solicitor would charge me. And he has my email pw anyway. If I change those he'd know somethings changed. I don't want to alert him that I'm changing anything when I have nowhere else to go.

My phone is in his name. It didn't used to be, he bought me a 'present'. I said I didn't want the present I was happy with my current phone but he took my old phone and sold it. Told me he needed it to go towards the new one. It's so tiring I didn't have the energy to fight at that point.

Can you make a new email address he knows nothing of?

Can you feign illness, go to bed, and make your calls?

It sounds horrendous.

Set up a new email address OP x

Have you thought he might have installed a tracking app on that phone? Suggest you google info about such things on Women's aid website

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/onlinesafety/

@anotherdisaster I'd say ensuring the OP doesn't do anything which is "not allowed" is a side effect, his primary purpose is simply power and control.

OP you might be entitled to legal aid, see the list of evidence which could "prove" your entitlement here
childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/legal-aid-if-you-have-been-a-victim-of-domestic-abuse-or-violence/

And apparently more evidence can be submitted by email now, because of lockdown.

If you contact a DV organisation they will help you with all of that.

Of course it's gaslighting, you know what you heard or didn't hear.

He is a weirdo and an arsehole of the first order.

Can you give a general area to whwre you live? Ie Hampshire, North West ect?

Can you make a friend from here who you can at least take a phone call with every now & again the odd evening? Just generic chit chat about the kids or work, to see you through isolation at the minimum.

Im not sure if this is allowed tbh but, I feel you OP. It's draining being ignored & is such mental torture. My OH does this as well. Though probably not to the extent yours is. I'm lucky enough mine still goes out to work! Hes sometimes unbareable with it. Always when he gets into a low mood, such as - if im not happy you can be miserable too!

Oh I had good news today. Work want me back Monday. I'll be wfh and somehow homeschooling but this is the best news for me because I will not only be talking to people but I will be able to take my mind off everything.
I will still look at going to boots anyway though. Also setting up a bank account this morning which is a big deal for me. Even managed to do a video of my face for the security without dh walking in. Now awaiting approval for it to work so fingers crossed.

I do have access to the joint account but it's questioned if I spend anything so am trying to get ready in case I just need to transfer some money and get out. I have in the past been presented with pie charts of my spend if it's deemed too much (I'd bought chocolates for a friend that month. Can you see why I have no friends left)
At least now I will have an account for my salary to go into as well if I need to change things. Haven't seen any of my wages since we've been married.

Do you have an employer assistance scheme or HR department? Even a decent manager or colleague?

Please reach out to them. They could request for you to go in for meetings etc? It will help you if you open up to trusted others in your life.

You haven't seen your wages since you got married OP?

That is so shockingly abusive.
Please tell work.

I think the police would be interested in this.
Can you see into the joint account?

Financial Abuse, Coercive Control, Gaslighting and Silent Treatment. These are all serious forms of abuse. Solitary confinement without being able to talk to someone else is a form of punishment for a reason! You have effectively been imprisoned by your Husband, separated from any other contact to enable his to enforce his level of control. I know you are saying that you are going to leave but please don't let this slide now. Your DC will thank you one day when they realise how abusive this behaviour is and they will realise. Can you arrange for your wages to be paid directly to your new account and transfer over a lower amount into the joint account so that you could save up a bit to give you something to fall back on? You could say that work had changed bank accounts or something so that he doesn't question it coming through from somewhere different. Not sure what else to suggest to enable you to squirrel away some funds.

Yes I'm planning to direct my salary into that bank account going forward and see if he says anything. He has taken a lot from me but I'm pretty stuffed at the moment without his salary. I also work for his friend. I'm employed officially but I'd probably lose my low paid job as well if I go anywhere. I also need the reference from this job to move to another. They'd give me the reference as long as I'm with dh. I'm really trying to move into a different company and ft but wfh although there's not that many jobs right now.

I found a sheet with the freedom project after yesterday someone posted about it, it had a picture of descriptions of the 'bad' people vs 'good' people. Made me cry when I realised it said things like the good person will encourage you to do things, says you look good. And when it says 'he has a sense of humour' I thought no he doesn't. Nothing is fun anymore. He told me I can't get a job in the city in case I meet someone else. Not exactly encouraging.

I did contact an old solicitor I used to work with. They're not a divorce solicitor but they said they know someone who can help me so at least hopefully I can speak to someone about this.

I just wanted to say that it's great you're taking steps, @avacadotoastee, and have realised what's going on, and have started moving towards freeing yourself from him, and from this situation. It can't be easy.

Sounds great that you've got a solicitor you can potentially talk to, and great that you'll be back at work, and so can get some relief.

Thanks @Eckhart yesterday I finally snapped. The hearing thing made me so angry. I do need to do something

Are you ok?

If you work for his friend, please dont try to talk to anyone at work. You are probably only "allowed" that job because he knows his friend will report what you are up to.

Set up a new email address, and get yourself to Boots.... i hope you are safe

Would it be possible to hide away some portion of cash withdrawals OP? Or do you have to show receipts??

Well done for getting everything in place re work etc. This does not sound like a good way to live.

Yes it was a classic of dh knew someone who could let me work pt I should quit my ft job. In all honesty working pt has helped me overall because I was absolutely exhausted working and managing home life as well.

Since then though if I meet a friend for lunch I get 'how do you think you can afford to buy a sandwich and a coffee, you should only have a coffee' and this went on so I'd go to a cheaper cafe but it's never enough I have to stop going to the cafe to avoid these conversations. I'd have to keep receipts of where I'd been. Once I dared take cash out. He phoned the bank and reported fraud and they stopped the account. He said he couldn't be sure it was me that withdrew the cash even though I told him it was me.

I did put my foot down then. We now have a joint account.
Dh was travelling a lot with work before coronavirus so I'd been ok. I had more freedom.
Now he's wfh until January I don't think I can keep this up that long.

Have you any family or friends that you could go to short term? Have you actually reached out and asked?

You could go to a refuge and I really think you will need to do a midnight flit.