uninterested MIL rant.

[iloveknitting]

My MIL doesnt seem to care about anything DH says or does. when we announced we were getting married i heard her over the phone say "why?" which dh found upsetting, she didn't have any interest in any of the planning and fussed and complained if we tried to get her involved. the comlpete lack of interest in her sons life has really upset dh.
but what is really starting to push dh into wanting nothing to do with his mum is her almost non existant interest in our first baby.

my parents are so excited, mum is whipping herself up into a baby frenzy and they have offered to buy a pram and have bought clothes and have got bulky bits of furniture to have at their house so we don't have to drag high chairs and travel cots etc around when we visit, they get excited about the scan pictures and mum is even organising a 'welcome baby' party as a christening substitute.

his mum never phones up to see how the baby is growing, isnt very interested in the scans, hasn't bought anything(not that we want or expect it but the gesture that she cares would be nice).
DH asked if she would like a child seat for her car so she could take the baby out when we visit and her response was "why would i want that, where would i take it" and when dh asked if she was going to come to the babys welcome party (he shouldn't even need to ask imo) he got a totaly unenthusiastic response, and asked if she would have to buy anything.

all this is really getting dh down and i have no idea how to comfort him without slagging mil off, my family has always shown an interest in stuff i do and i have no idea how to relate to how dh is feeling, all i can say is that me and the bump are his family now and give him a hug.

I can sort of see where you are coming from, but really want to say that some people (MILs included) just aren't into making a fuss over babies. It is lovely that your parents are so looking forward to your baby, but not everyone reacts the same. I do think it is odd the way your MIL reacted about the welcome party though - I would have thought anyone would have made an effort to attend that, no matter how they personally felt about new babies. But I can see why she doesn't want a car seat - why would she need to take the baby out when you are there - it is your baby not hers.

Other mums may see the situation you are in very differently, for example, and even feel claustrophobic and bothered by parents buying all this baby stuff to have at their house. Everyone reacts differently to babies, you can't change that. Just be thankful you don't have a domineering old cow of a MIL like a lot of posters on here have.

My in-laws were exactly the same, although they couldn't do enough for DH's step-sister and her kids.

MIL cried when she found out I was pregnant first time, and it wasn't tears of joy. She was just realised that her son was staying with me and not going home (as the family predicted)

It was awful when we had our 2nd DD, and they said they would visit, then never turned up. To hear him on the phone, practically begging them to come round was heartbreaking.

I pointed out that it was their loss, thats all you can do really.
If she's not interested there's nothing you can do. DH used to go and visit his parents alone, and only for half an hour. If they didn't ask about the kids he didn't mention them.
They died a couple of years ago. Our son was 2 and they never even saw him.

Sad, but some people are like that.

elfin;

thats half the trouble, the sun shines out of BILs golden arse and he's a child abandoning, wife beating, no job loser. SIL is on a pedestal so high you can barely see her, she has a crappy going nowhere career and treats her family like servants. whereas DH has a fab career making more money than his family could ever dream of making, used to lend money to help them and they treat him like sh*t. it makes me so angry to see him treated like crap by his own family, im sure its money envy.

There comes a time when you have to stop trying and say "stuff 'em".
You'll only tie yourself up in knots thinking of all the reasons why they are looked on more favourably than you, and what could you of possibly done to make them behave this way to you.

You never know, things might change when there is an actual baby, rather than just a bump.

Obviously I don't know the history here but do you think there may be a bit of jealousy from the MIL? Perhaps she is jealous of you having 'taken' her little boy away? She could be envious of the man he has grown up into, i.e. good job, lovely partner/wife2b/ baby on the way all playing happy families. Just a thought!

Your OP made me feel quite teary. You can't make someone be interested and I think just accept the help and excitement from your family. Involve your Ils the bear minimum and is there is any come back you can quite fairly say there hasn't been any sign of wanting to be involved.
Maybe she is baby phobic and doesn't know what to do. Maybe she is jealous. Who knows but please don't let it spoil your pregnancy.

I can hear where you're coming from.

My MIL doesn't hardly give me the time of day, yet DH's ex (with whom he had a child and then she ran off with his best mate), is always welcomed into the MIL house!

She has quite a few grandchildren but only has time for those whose parents aren't together.

My DS2 started school last week, she didn't ask how he got on. didn't even reply to a picture message I sent her of him in his uniform.

When questioned, she said she didnt bother with him cos he doesn't 'need' her like her other GC do. Right, so if DH and I split (hopefully never ever), then she would be the doting GM to him too! I mean WTF????

i dont think Mil is jealous or baby phobic, she's just strange and doesn't have any enthusiasm for DHs life, she loves waste of space BILs 'legitimate' baby he left behind with his ex wife in the states, but refuses to have anything to do with his secret teenage love child who lives in the next town.
we have decided we won't be going to see MIL much, its too far to drive to sit around staring at the walls and starving to death because she doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything or plan proper nutrition for her guests or be interested in what we say. DH already thinks that my parents have been better parents to him than his own parents have been, i guess MIL is reaping what she couldn't be bothered to sow.

You can choose your friends, you can't choose your family.

Your DH needs to cut his losses. Its not his fault they can't love him as they should. Longing for praise and love when it never has come/will come is hard to live with. Children and marriage are the things that really seem to show up what our parents think of us.

He can try a self help book...i know they are 'american'. But it is very reassuring to read of other people who have issues like you with your parents. Try 'Toxic Parents' by susan forward. And maybe ask your dh to look at this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=241761&stamp=070821141839

It basically is a bunch of women who have issues with parents and have broken all contact or considering it due to the parents behaviour. Its worth him reading it, just so he doesn't feel so alone in all this He sounds very lucky to have a surrogate family

I personally broke all contact with my family when I was 8 mth pg. It hurt but it gets better. I'm moving on with my life now and there is so much less negativity in my life

However, back to what you originally asked... just see if he will read the book and/or thread for support that he is not alone in this (and believe me, its VERY reassuring to know this!) and be there listen too him. And hug him too of course

xx

thanks for the links and book suggestion ally, i will prob read the book as dh would just scoff at the idea of self help.

wouldn't say MIL is toxic, just totaly uninterested, a typical conversation would go

DH: hi mum, i passed a very important exam today which will help my career move up to the next level!

MIL: mmm, thats nice. by the way did i tell you what such and such who you don't even know said the other day?

we won't cut her off totaly, we just wont go and see her much, just do the christmas duty visit.

Is it possible that you doesn't like anything that will take the focus off her and her doings? My Mum is like that. Always plays down important happenings in her childrens life or ridicules them. Think she does it mainly because deep down she feels inadequate. Always has to keep people under her. Bullying I suppose. When I got married to DH at the ripe old age of 30 she said "So I suppose that YOU will be..... having......children then? Like it was beyond the realms of possibility that I could or should be a parent. If something is out of her control or she didnt instigate it then she has no interest whatsoever.

i don't know what is up with her, she never seems to do anything or have any interests, she must just sit in her kitchen all day drinking tea with neighbours.
actually she does ridicule things dh does, dh decided to take up skydiving and MIL said "what do you want to do that for" in an 'are you the stupidest person ever' tone of voice.
anthing he tells her he is planning to do it gets the same "why?" "what for" response.
I've told dh not to tell her anything anymore, it only upsets him. she could at least attempt some fake enthusiasm.

She sounds quite similar to my parents. They like everyone to stay exactly where they should be. Anyone who goes away on big holidays is "showing off", when my sister got a big promotion at work my parents looked at each other and sniggered. My sister and I are not widely travelled but between us have clocked up Thailand, Saudi, USA and lots of Europe. If we mention any of these travels, my parents will immediately look at each other and then get up and leave the room to watch TV in the other room. My Mum actually prided herself on not knowing what I did for a living and making it clear that she did not want to know either. When I told her we were trying for a second child she said in front of my entire extended family "Well I think that would be a huge mistake". It is as though anyone else achieving anything makes them feel inadequate so they burst your bubble as quickly and sharply as possible. I bet it does doesn't it? when your MIL is like that. Plans and ideas are not nearly so exciting after someone has made you feel a bit silly about it.

Just focus on your family and ignore them. Like your family, my ILs are pretty disinterested in my children. I used to try and make the effort... but felt it never achieved anything, so in the end I just wash my hands with everything. They've only met my youngest (10 months) half a dozen times (despite not living all that far away - less than an hour). My FIL even preferred to go to gardening club than meet her when she was born. My Eldest (4) says she doesn't think they love her, and basically does not see them as having much relevance in her life. However, they do have my parents who do the doting thing, so I don't think she misses out at all. She's not bothered by them at all. So focus on your child - you can't make your ILs interested, and I think if you try, then your child will see that and it could upset them (It has upset my DD, when she's been expecting them and they've not turned up last minute, or came over an hour late and then left early etc, yet she can go for two months or more and not see them or even mention their names). Instead focus on the family you have got, you two as parents, and your family as the extended family and leave the ILs to get on with it. Your child is your responsibility - just focus on making sure that he/she is happy with or without them, and that's all you can do.