Help me through this dating please?

[onepointfiveish]

Hi

So I'm gonna keep this as short as possible. I have history of rushing into relationships and giving too much too soon. Guys end up taking me for granted etc. Lost the confidence about how to date so I'm asking for help.

Met this guy on Bumble and went on our first date about 3 weeks ago. We are different races. He's really cool, freshly separated. I like him. Worried I'm showing it too much. He's said he likes me too. We spend time together- me at his', him at mine. He's cooked for me and so have I for him. We have decent sex.

Can I say we are dating now? I text other guys and he does text at least one woman-- when is the right time to have the exclusivity conversation?

What do I need to keep in mind that will show I'm moving too fast? Does the fact that he only separated from his ex-wife a year ago and yet to start divorce proceedings (he said due to the lockdown) a deal breaker?

I feel like I don't know how to do things slowly. Need help, advice, anything. Don't wanna screw this up.

I have this picture on my wall to remind myself to take things really slow

Picture here :)

We spend time together- me at his', him at mine. He's cooked for me and so have I for him. We have decent sex.

What is the status of lockdown in your country? People are dying here.

went on our first date about 3 weeks ago

If you personally are looking for a romantic relationship with someone, I think lockdown is a great opportunity to get to know each other, chat etc in the park or whatever- or the garden if you have one, see if you're compatible without sex, which can be a distraction in a way and if your personalities aren't compatible a relationship doesn't move past sex.

Also, it sounds old fashioned but in my hard-learned experience if we shag men early they don't respect us. Offer it on a plate and they just take it and run or treat us disrespectfully.

Can I say we are dating now?

If you mean exclusively, that's a joint decision, you would have to have the discussion, you can't decide it by yourself.

IMO you need to claw it back a bit. Meet up in the park etc, do more stuff that doesn't involve sex so you get to know each other as people.

I think a year of separation is ok as long as it doesn't seem like he's still overly involved with his ex, seeing her much etc.

Fecks sake you move fast. Only met in person 3 weeks ago and already you's are screwing and staying over at each others houses?

And he is still seeing someone else?

Sorry but if you have already slept together more than once and he is still seeing other people...then he isn't looking for a relationship with you.

You've set yourself up to be taken for granted here.

I mean the guy isnt even divorced yet.

OP I dont know what the heck that poster is there for cause you arent paying a smidge of attention too it.

Gosh it’s only been three weeks, slow down, you need to Give it another couple of months, why are you so desperate to say you’re dating. He’s seeing someone else.

He's married and the other woman is probably his wife. Meeting online and rushing are 2 more red flags. But then again I'm single and get annoyed with why people will hand wring over the most dead beat sounding losers because I've been there and done that and have zero tolerance for it now. You sound like you're going to get used and discarded so maybe just slow down

@onepointfiveish I can't see the pic for some reason, could you post a link to it online for me?

Normally when you like each other enough for a relationship the desire to talk to other people naturally stops before you mention going exclusive because you only want them?
Sex too early and before commitment normally fizzles out quickly because they don't respect you enough as a partner.

You don't seem to have much support here. I disagree that three weeks is too soon to have slept together. I slept with my ex husband the night I met him. We were married for 14 years. I've been separated a year and am definitely not sleeping with him nor would I. We are only not divorced because it costs money.

There is nothing wrong with being up front about what you want. If that's exclusivity, tell him. If he baulks, you get to decide if you want what he is offering instead.

It's not messing things up to move on when someone isn't offering what you want.

Ignore the comments about having had sex too soon. Anyone who thinks less of you because you had sex WITH THEM is not worth having.

Im not divorced. I've been separated for five years, and wouldn't take my nearly-exH back if you paid me. Just being separated isn't necessarily a red flag.

Why do you need to rush into exclusivity? Use condoms, and see how things develop.

I think 3 weeks in and you’ve slept with him is way too soon, you need to let a guy get to know you and fall for you and let him take the lead in conversations about exclusivity

Ignore the comments about having had sex too soon. Anyone who thinks less of you because you had sex WITH THEM is not worth having.

Yes, but it's a shame to find that out after having shagged them. Being bumped and dumped or otherwise treated like shit by someone you've shagged isn't a good feeling.

Wait to get to know the person better and they're more likely to treat you well, it also gives you time to spot if one is a dickhead and bin.

Cheerup you are in the minority that you married someone you had sex with on the first date, a lot of women find themselves feeling used after sleeping with someone so quickly, we not being unsupportive, we care that's why we are warning.

@crystalspider
Probably in the minority if you had sex with someone on the 2nd or 3rd or 10th date and ended up marrying them.

Otherwise most people would be married to their first lover.....
I didn't even marry my second!

Sex is something to be enjoyed, if it feels right and you enjoy it then go for it