Mediation agreement

[Amethystmoons]

Hi all quick message (posted originally in parenting but it’s quiet on that board)
My ex and I have been through mediation twice regarding DD.
Current arrangement is he has her every other weekend. As we both agreed in mediation.
This weekend isn’t his actual weekend to have her but I text him two weeks ago to say he can of course have her Sunday with it being Father’s Day. He asked if he could pick her up two hours earlier than normal which I agreed to. For background he’s very emotionally abusive and projects on to me all the time, it’s been hell.
So he’s asked if she can stay Saturday night this weekend because it’s a special weekend and I said no because I’m on a training course all week mim - fri and he had her Saturday Sunday just gone and he’s having her this Sunday so I’d like the full day with her which is my Day anyway.
So I’ve been hit with a torrent of abuse this morning saying I’m exhausting to deal with, unreasonable and ‘heaven forbid he should ask for a night with his daughter before fathers day’.
What would you have done in my shoes?

... maybe arranged to 'swap' a weekend rather than adding to time?
Or, made sure that your agreement covered what to do regarding birthdays, weddings, mothers/fathers day etc.

For what it's worth I think you're being reasonable given the circumstances, but better to write in what to do on such occasions that occur each year (also Xmas, New Year, birthdays etc).

I'm probably going to be in the minority but I'd have let him have her overnight since it's Father's Day this weekend. Whatever's gone on between you he's still her dad and if she mainly lives with you I wouldn't see an issue. Unless he's often flaky/an inconsistent parent, in which case I'd suspect it to be a control tactic and then I'd think twice.

Could you spend the day with her on Saturday and he can collect around 5pm?
I honestly have no idea what it must be like dealing with him and his abuse and control so this is just from my perspective.
Is she at school? Could he have overnight on the Sunday instead?
Probably not workable with your work??

You have told him what he could have and that's it.
It's Father's Day not fathers weekend. It's also a load of crap - didn't he have a special time last weekend with his dc or does it only happen on these special days.

I would reply' I am not engaging in this conversation until you are respectful.

You've been busy all week and you want some time with your dc and she wants some time with you. And then the next day she see's her df. Win win for the dc- who is the important part.

Also next weekend is his again, so in three weekends you will only have one day.

How old is your DD here?.

Mediation was ill advised and should not have taken place given how abusive he was in your relationship. Out of that relationship too he is still the same, such men do not change and he feels entitled to act like this. You were not safe to do mediation with him and he likely managed to manipulate the mediator.

He will never be respectful towards you; such men too hate women and all of them. He basically wants to use his DD here against you as further "punishment" to you for you actually leaving him, he being in his eyes a perfect specimen.

I would actually now look into formal access arrangements via the courts rather than an informal arrangement. He will continue to yank your (and your DDs) chain like this and he likes the power and control this gives him.

You should have thought about it beforehand and swapped the weekend .

Hmmm well it’s not really a special day is it so don’t buy into emotional blackmail. It’s a man made up day that has no historical meaning. It’s what some people call a “hallmark” day meaning it’s a day made up by card makers to sell product. The date is different in different countries. That’s besides the point but I wanted to point it out so you can retain some perspective when dealing with his tantrum. Birthday:Xmas fine but this is nonsense. He’s got all day Sunday which is sufficient. If he wants to take up one of your days then he should have negotiated a swap. He shouldn’t have had her last weekend. He should have swapped. It’s not your job to accommodate every unreasonable demand/tantrum/need he has. I suggest you message him “never EVER message me words like that again. I have been more than reasonable. You are already taking over one of MY days. You are not getting the entire weekend when you had her the whole of last weekend already. I’m within my rights to have her this Sunday too as it is MY day. I’ve already agree to an extra two hours so you’d better STOP right now before I change my mind. In future, if you want to swap days then you do it well in advance and you offer up one of your days to make it up. You just keep take take take and now I’ve had enough. If this continues I will take it to a solicitor to get access arrangements written down that cannot ever be changed. You’ve been warned. You can pick her up on Sunday at 10am. I do not expect any more drama over this”