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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affairs - How do you cope with the double life?

25 replies

Lostlittlesoull · 15/06/2020 17:08

I’d lik to know how people cope with all the lying and deceit.

My DH cheated, told me, got with her then came back and now isn’t sure and was still seeing me and pretty sure he was seeing her too.

I just don’t get how people deal with it, I’d be an anxious mess!! Do they just turn into aegis arseholes who only think of themselves ? Do they not realis they are constantly spouting lies ?

OP posts:
JustthisOnce333 · 15/06/2020 17:28

I am so very sorry for what has happened to you and the way your husband has treated you. I think maybe you will never fully understand how he was able to spin so many lies and stories, and I think that that shows that you are a good person who is incapable of what he has done. I'm sorry .

Ohnoherewego62 · 15/06/2020 17:36

It's not your job to work this out if he hasnt got the conscience to not have an affair and break your trust, then that tells you all you need to know.

There are no reasons I would justify for an affair. I'm sorry you're in this situation! How did you find out for him telling you? Were you suspicious?

Do you think you'll ever be able to trust him again? My personality wouldnt allow it. I'd never be able to forget it and wed both end up miserable.

Loveabitofrain · 15/06/2020 17:42

He gets away with it because you and the OW allow it. Why don't you put your foot down and say no. Then if he really wants to make it work he will move mountains for you and there's a decent discussion to be had.

How long did you split for?x

AnyFucker · 15/06/2020 17:44

He doesn't have to "cope" with anything.

The women in his life are making it all ok for him.

backseatcookers · 15/06/2020 18:02

They let everyone around them be anxious messes if they don't walk away.

As long as you're engaging in this situation he knows that he can treat you this way and you'll stay with him.

He's behaved disgracefully, he has destroyed your relationship and you do not have to make any effort to maintain this relationship.

Please walk away for the sake of your mental health.

Sometimes people are arseholes simply because they are selfish and they are allowed to get away with it. You're enabling his behaviour until you walk away Thanks

Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2020 18:05

Why are you making this so easy for him? He's a cheat and a liar and you just accept it, and wonder how he is coping?? Yes, the poor dear, he must be simply exhausted juggling two women.

BluebellForest836 · 15/06/2020 18:08

You don’t get it yet you have took him back and he’s just going backwards and forwards?! Get some self respect and kick him out.

StrangeTimes · 15/06/2020 18:19

Lostlittlesoul, I’m sorry you’re going through this, and some of the answers here are quite blunt, but yes sadly you are allowing him to treat you like this. He’s enjoying it, no matter how much he cries and tells you otherwise.

You can’t change him but you can change you, kick him out and don’t let him back! The OW hasn’t “won” she’s got the booby prize. Good luck.

JustthisOnce333 · 15/06/2020 18:21

I don't think the OP is actually concerned with how her husband copes with the lies , I think she is really struggling to understand how she fell in love with someone who is capable of this degree of betrayal. That's how I read it anyway.

SandyY2K · 15/06/2020 18:31

Do they just turn into aegis arseholes who only think of themselves ?

They only think about themselves. Plus it's done out of a sense of entitlement...and they flip flop between 2 women, because the women allow it.

Do they not realis they are constantly spouting lies ?

They try and cover up the double life with lies...lies become second nature in affairs.

Alonelonelyloner · 15/06/2020 18:32

Firstly I'm very sorry for what your partner has put you through.

I'll answer as thoroughly as I can as someone who has never been faithful. In my first marriage my husband beat me and emotionally abused me for years- I slept with probably around 20 other men in the time I was with him (5 years) and with none of them, even the ones I really cared about, did I feel like i would have a proper relationship with them, yet some I was with for a year or so.
In many ways it was a deathwish. Maybe I wanted to get caught and most certainly my ex would have killed me. He tried before even without knowing I'd had sex with others . I didn't cope with the lies but it was a way of escape and maybe the concentrating on the lie was a way of fixing on something other than the abuse.

I realised after this relationship that in a way, although the lies were exhausting, they were just 'what they were'. I honestly didn't care and was an awful person. I do think that cheaters make excuses. There's always a reason to carry on and if they don't feel the repercussions, this will never stop. There is no need to stop.
It's not even like they want the sex with another person (that sex could even be crap), it's like an empty hole that needs to be filled, or more basically they like the 'being wanted' and the flirtation.

It absolutely (most of the time) is not a reflection of the person being cheated on. It's the cheater. A person who cheats, usually, will do so with no just cause. But I guarantee you, as a cheater myself, if you accept it, on any level, it will continue and they will respect you less and it could potentially escalate. It doesn't make you kind or more worthy of love, it makes you an object of distain. Your cheater will not love you more or choose you. That I can virtually promise.
If you want monogamy or respect, dump your cheating partner. Dump them. You'd be doing yourself a massive favour.

Fizzysours · 15/06/2020 18:38

If you have any conscience, it is impossible to like or respect yourself when you lie. Affairs are dreadful for almost everybody...there are serial offenders who honestly just do not care but many people despise themselves.

Pokske · 15/06/2020 18:56

Please leave. This is never ever going to change.
Your DH is a selfish person and will never think of the hurt he causes.
Get up and go !
Good luck !

Truthpact · 15/06/2020 19:08

Let her have him. He is no prize to be won.

He's coping because you're both letting him go between you. In his head, he's the best man in the world, he has two women fighting for him. Drop him. He's not worth it.

sexyandi · 15/06/2020 19:17

In my experience a lot of guys develop Ick too. They love their wives and families and want to keep them. They do so by getting their rocks off elsewhere. Just like women do

Pasithea · 15/06/2020 19:23

I know a woman who has been having an affair for 11 years. . They just justify it in any way they can. She is under strange circumstances but they are totally committed to both partners in their own way. Weird.

LexMitior · 15/06/2020 19:30

The real answer is that this person does not share your views about fidelity and a relationship. Lots of people can compartmentalise doing different things and actually cheating is not very different. You need a sense of entitlement and that can come from anywhere, being treated badly, poor sex, boring sex, getting the ick. People make up any amount of rubbish to justify themselves. That’s if they feel guilty. They may not.

What you must not do is take their mental games and think of it yourself. This is ticket to feeling utterly miserable.

NoMoreDickheads · 15/06/2020 19:36

They see the lies and what they're doing as somehow justifiable.

But bin him completely - I'm sure you'll feel so much better if you take control.

P999 · 15/06/2020 20:46

I'm afraid sometimes the double life and getting away with it is a thrill, not a stress. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I understand the need to understand, but it will probably turn you inside out. Perhaps bear in mind, perhaps he just doesn't think the way you do. Like trying to imagine or understand the mind of a dog. They just might not be wired in the same way Flowers

Original poster
Lostlittlesoull · 15/06/2020 22:52

Thanks everyone, guess I just find it hard to see why he’s doing all this, like “who is this man” it just doesn’t make sense to me at all. He was always very anti cheating prior to this

OP posts:
B9008 · 15/06/2020 23:01

Personally I just felt I deserved it. Felt my life was rubbish and I was worth more. Clearly that was bullshit but I behaved awfully to my wife. It was just selfish really.

Ohnoherewego62 · 15/06/2020 23:07

@B9008, did you ever get caught?

OP- this man is not yours to worry about. Let him go. He doesnt want to be worked out. He wants his cake and to eat it. It's the ones who protest so much about cheating that usually do.

I've read so many threads on here about people who are having affairs having to go cold turkey and driven mad by the thought of their affair partners going home to their spouses.

They find any reason to make it ok; he says they're not sleeping together anymore, he doesnt do enough around the house, they're splitting up when the kids are old enough. Seldom is there more than one line feeling "remorse" for the affair partners spouse/partner. These people simply have no conscience, dont care or feel like they are entitled to more than what they have regardless of who gets hurt along the way.

B9008 · 15/06/2020 23:24

I admitted it in the end as my head was messed up. Typical mid life crisis. Awful behaviour looking back.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2020 23:30

He was always very anti cheating prior to this

For him, that only applies to other people. You, especially.

Have you asked him how he would have reacted if you had done to him what he did to you ?

backseatcookers · 15/06/2020 23:36

Have you asked him how he would have reacted if you had done to him what he did to you ?

Agree it's always one rule for them...

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