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Original poster

Adult children in abusive marriage.

10 replies

Imnotachild · 15/06/2020 10:57

I’ve been doing some very deep thinking lately since leaving my abusive marriage of 15 years. I think the whole experience needed resolving and it’s a very deep and personal experience. I don’t know if anyone else has had this experience.
I have uncovered that I didn’t have a great childhood, lots of emotional neglect which I’ve discovered I took into my marriage. I am in know what saying that what he did was right but I have to accept my part I order to grow and it’s a bitter pill to swallow.
There were 2 adult children in my marriage. One who was angry and entitled, the other who had no self esteem, needed to please. I always hated myself for staying but couldn’t find the strength to leave. For most of my marriage I didn’t even love my husband, now I realise that I didn’t know what love was. What we had was no connection, we were 2 children having fights and with all child arguments one always runs off crying (that was me) the other is happy that they won.

I sit here now with my adult brain engaged and I can’t believe the damage my inner child has been left to do. It’s not her fault though she is just a child.

Does anyone else have this kind of experience?

OP posts:
ChaoticMinds · 15/06/2020 11:32

Yes. It takes some maturity to see that and learn from it so well done. For most people it's a never ending cycle which passes from generation to generation because nobody knows how to behave differently. I am desperately trying to break the cycle for my own children and model some maturity but it's SO hard and feels very unnatural for me.

Original poster
Imnotachild · 15/06/2020 16:31

I know there is no point in dwelling on how you coped in a situation that has passed but I just can’t believe I put up with what I did, it was disgustingly awful!

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 15/06/2020 17:28

I know there is no point in dwelling on how you coped in a situation that has passed but I just can’t believe I put up with what I did, it was disgustingly awful!

I think it can be helpful to think on it for a while. It strengthens your resolve to tell anyone you meet who begins to be like it to fuck off.

People virtually immediately tell you to get over it, but as long as it's not causing you too much pain (a bit of righteous anger is ok IMO) it helps you avoid abuse in future to think of any red flags, when you should have ended it, what you shouldn't have put up with etc.

If you're in a lot of pain you could try EMDR therapy, that's great for taking the sting out of memories.

I was angry over what happened with my ex and people told be to stop being angry (as it 's frowned on socially, especially for women) but it wasn't painful exactly to think on what a twat he had been.

A friend said 'you must feel really stupid to have fallen for it' but I didn't really. I felt proud that I'd realised what was going on and ended it, and relief that he couldn't hurt or coerce me anymore.

Gutterton · 15/06/2020 18:01

Yes been there got the T-Shirt. You will likely have emotional deficits due to parental neglect and/or abuse which left you open to tolerate bad behaviour as “normal” and acceptable with no mature emotional tools to resolve it. Well done on seeing this now. But some self compassion is really important to start to acknowledge that you did the very best you could with what you had. I am sure you always had hope and tried v hard. Once you have stopped being harsh on yourself maybe took at some therapy to work on colouring in the bits of your emotional development that your parents compromised - then you will spot and swerve all the losers that cross your path.

Have you DCs from this RS? If so it would be good to think about how they may have absorbed some of the negativity and work out how to support them so that they are emotionally balanced and resilient.

Original poster
Imnotachild · 15/06/2020 18:29

I have a little boy, he is only 4. He seems happy and well balanced, I think, although he doesn’t see his dad....long story. Although I say in a way I understand my husband was child like he was a very dangerous adult! I have a complex form of PTSD that I am working on. It’s just a horrible feeling to know that I put myself through hell all because of unknown childhood issues. I don’t blame myself though for something I didn’t know was happening. Hindsight is a wonderful thing?

OP posts:
Gutterton · 15/06/2020 19:01

If you can get professional support to work through your C-PTSD then that will be the best gift you can give your DC (on top of the other one of removing him from a toxic home). Also have a look at Philippa Perry’s book on attuned parenting - because being the opposite of how your parents treated you is also not the best approach. There may well be gaps and skills that need filling in - which will make parenting more rewarding for you and will also help your DC as he will have some impact from the abusive parent, the separation and the non contact. And you can make these up

Original poster
Imnotachild · 15/06/2020 19:26

Thanks I’ll have a look at that book. I do need some guidance because I’m not sure how to respond to him sometimes.

OP posts:
ChaoticMinds · 15/06/2020 20:37

@gutterton is the book called how to be a parent?

Gutterton · 15/06/2020 22:00

Philippa Perry:

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did).

THE #1 SUNDAY TIMES BESTSELLER

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