10 year limerence

[Redpiglet]

Morning ladies, I've NC for this

How can I get over limerence?

I've had it for over 10 years. I'm married, have been for 5 years, been with dh 10years and I love him to bits and want to be with him.

Here's the story, I met Dh on a night out and sparks flew, we had a great time together, we were teenagers and our crowds were starting to kind of mingle. He was just out of a bad relationship and finishing uni so didnt want to start anything. He went to uni and I didnt see him for 6m but did text. During that time I became super close to one of his friends (we'll call him L for limerence). L and I considered ourselves to be like brother and sister and best mates but lines did nearly get blurred, a couple of times where we almost kissed, where dancing got too sexy, the chemistry was there but we both considered me waiting for dh (probably a weird thing when I think back all those years).

Dh came back from uni and we got together. We'd all go out in a group and had a great time. L got Gf's but his friendship we me caused problems and he put me first. Over the years as we grew up L and I kind of naturally drifted apart, dh and I were getting serious and I felt like we both wanted some distance.

Hes married now to a wonderful woman, we all get on. These days (prelockdown) we see each other maybe 6 times a year, dh sees him weekly, they are still best friends

But I think about him loads, i dont want to. I can go weeks but then I'll have a dream about him, where the chemistry is crazy and then I think about the dream and him for days. If there is an event coming up I know he will be at i get so excited to see him and we do naturally draw to each other, we chat, have a laugh dance, in a group and just the two of us. I feel a chemistry but after all this time surely it's just limerence.

I like being his friend but I dont want to be thinking about him so much and fancy him like this. I love my dh, he is who I want and I wouldn't change him one bit. I honestly think if something different had happened and I'd ended up with L it wouldnt have worked anyway, he used to cheat on everyone and treat girls poorly and despite him saying I was the perfect woman I'm sure he would have done the same to me.

Its upsetting me now, I want to stop this, I love dh and hes all i want to think about. How can i stop the dreams? I don't want to think about anyone else, my life is great and I truly wouldnt change it. God reading this I sound pathetic, please be nice

I'm afraid I don't have any practical suggestions but am interested to hear others '.

Have you tried any NLP techniques?

You just accept you had your chance & that sliding door has closed.

You decide to be happy with your choices because at the time that was what you wanted. You got what you wanted, which was the man you waited for while he was away.

You sound bored in your relationship & need to be focusing on it. If you’re serious about only wanting your DH I would tell him you don’t want to see L anymore & that you feel the relationship isn’t healthy for you. Just cut him out of your life, because the memory of him + his presence as your husband’s friend is undermining your marriage.

I would be honest with him that you & L have a history where lines & feelings were blurred & that you’ve realised you would be happier if he wasn’t still a presence in your lives.

By bored I mean you describe this drama filled meeting with your now DH, sparks flying, crazy chemistry, waiting for him & having this long distance thing with promises made to each other - it’s all very dramatic & exciting. This crush on L is exciting because it’s forbidden, perhaps unrequited, all very Jane Austen.

You’re lacking excitement in your life so rely on L as a crutch to give you this romantic deal you crave. It sounds like you’ve watched way too many chick flicks & that you don’t really have much experience with many relationships as you were very young when met your now DH.

I don’t know how old you are but you sound like you’re in your early to mid-20s still. So if you’re older you may want to analyse why it is that you sound so immature when it comes to romanticising & idealising your relationships.

I think if I mentioned anything to dh he would get upset. I cant cut L out, I only see him at events we have to go to like weddings and christenings. It's weird I feel like we do try to avoid each other at these things but then after some drinks hes suddenly at my side for friendly chat

I wouldnt say I'm bored with dh, i mean we have youngs kids and dont get lots of us time but we do the best we can and make time for each other, hes great which I'd why i dont understand any if this. Say once s month I'll have a dream and it triggers me for days even though i dont want it to

I'm early 30s, met dh at 19. I dont think i do have an immature view of relationships, I'm known in my friendship group for being the most realistic and down to earth. I am a romantic but dh does give me that

Yes, you sound bored. You also say he is a serial cheater so maybe he just talks the talk and was never that into you really? If he liked you in the same way he would not have nearly kissed you. It is just an unrequited crush, move on.

If you’re having recurrent dreams you haven’t put it to rest mentally & whatever thoughts you’re pushing out of your head are being replayed to be dealt with in your sleep. The subconscious is a powerful thing.

It’s totally possible this fantasy is all in your head. You describe seeing L at events & you guys being like magnets to each other. No you say he avoids you, only to pop up for a chat. Sounds like he is being polite & creating distance while being friendly.

I suspect if he showed you genuine interest right now you are at risk of having a blown physical affair. This is already in emotional affair territory.

You don’t want to upset your husband but at the same time you don’t want to cut this friend out, thus making a mug of your husband. Imagine if he was getting little thrills and excitement when he interacts with L’s wife & has dreams about her?

You sound like you love the drama & don’t want it to end. On the Mn reddit there is talk of a “limerance troll” so this topic/theme must be brought up regularly here for there to be the perception a troll is obsessed with discussing limerance. Perhaps if you do a search you will find other helpful threads discussing this issue & how to fix it ?

I'm sorry but limerence is just an irritating word for a crush. Grow up OP. You are in control of your own behaviour.

“I am a romantic but DH gives me that” is quite a selfish statement.

If your DH read this thread doubt he would think you’re that “romantic” really. Your concept of romance is about yourself, not the other person.

It’s annoying you that you can’t romanticise your husband the way you want & that L seems to likely not be secretly in love with you, so you don’t want this crush anymore because you know it’s probably all in your head & nothing real will come of it.

You sound very selfish & immature. I doubt your friends know about your secret crush & keeping this fantasy with his best mate on the back burner all these years.

You are not what people’s perceptions of you are. You are your thoughts, feelings, actions, behaviour. That is who you are.

I think your brain has got into a habit of repetitive thoughts.

You are also playing out scenarios in your head in an over active imagination.

You know he isn't right for you all those years ago because you held back from him but it left you with a what if.

I would research some strategies to alter your thinking such as CBT and practice them. It's going to take a while as it's so ingrained.

Perhaps getting professional support to talk it through.

Does it really matter? Thoughts are just thoughts. The more you try to push them down and repress them, the less likely that is to happen. So as a strategy, that's not great. Like toddlers and unwanted behaviour, they respond to disinterest and distraction. So you could notice the thought and label it 'oh hello, a thought about L' and then deliberately think of something else. I think you don't do that partly because you enjoy it (no big deal, it's just a thought) and partly because it frightens you (does it mean you're not happy or going to throw yourself at him). I don't think it means that. You are probably a bit bored with the routine of domestic life. No big deal.

This happened to me too.

The timeline was even longer than yours.

We were always drawn together like magnets and in a crowded room only had eyes for each other (I know but true).

A lot happened and eventually we did get together.

It was extremely intense and then it fizzled out very quickly and he let me down very badly.

I am glad it happened because I realised this wonderful man who I had undying love for, was actually a bit of a prick.

Now I know and the relief of not thinking what if for years and years is no longer there.

Do not tell your DH.

It is a fantasy and the reality is always very different.

And remember if he really was a good man he would not be doing this to you, your DH or his DW.

Great advice from NoHardSell

Limerence (aka BS)

The complete and final devotion of your actual being to one single person other than yourself in a romantic fashion. Limerence creates a spiritual image with almost divine traits of the person you love that may have nothing to do with their actually existing person. It is a state of mind, fully captivating the heart, soul and spirit, that might last until the end of your life. All your actions, every step you take shall be done for that person you love only. In every hour, on every day you will think of only him or her. The other person's rejection of you will also be your downfall.

Doesn't sound like limerence really does it?