Telling children their granddad has been arrested for sexual abuse

[MeanMrMustardSeed]

Not really sure how to sum this up for a thread title, or if I’m even in the right place for this.

I’m looking for a recommendation for an organisation to help advise talking to children about their grandad being arrested and charged for sexual abuse crimes.

Or I would appreciate any advice from anyone who’s been through it. Children are top end of primary.

I’m supporting a friend in this situation and I said I’d look into this aspect. I’ll google as well, but knew it’d be worth asking here too.

Thank you

This might not be what you want to hear op, but I wouldn't tell them.

I'd just say he has been arrested for doing some bad things. I wouldn't tell them until they're older tbh.

Hope someone comes along soon with some good advice for you op.

But they need to be told to be asked if anything has happened to them.

Also they need to be told in case he doesn’t go to prison / when he is released, so they are able to understand the risk...

Lucy Faithful is an organisation that may be able to help, or give some advice anyway

Stopso.org.uk

Is a place for support for relatives of Alex offenders

Police should be providing trained people to assist with discussions with children

That's very true,
Is there a possibility he could've done anything to the children op?
Have they been in his care alone?

Thank you so much for these names of organisations. I really appreciate it and will look into them. Any more suggestions would be very welcome.

It’s so tough. Children are not thought to have been at risk. They are tricky age of not old enough to really understand and not young enough to be oblivious. They need to know something as prison is likely.

I knew some and their dad went to prison for being a sex offender (raped her stepsister and she didn’t speak out until she was an adult). She didn’t really see her dad that much before (not related to her SS as everyone was oblivious) and her kids didn’t have that much of an attachment to him. As he was going away for years she told her kids that he had died as she went NC when she found out and obviously wanted to keep her DDs far away from the monster. For her she found it kinder to protect her children but I guess it’s up to your friend (the kids were primary age and they’re not much older now). What an awful situation for her

I disagree fundamentally with secrets in families. So I'd go for age appropriate truth. I talked to my DDs about rape and incest at a very young age - under 6 I think. Simply because myself and another close adult woman in their lives had been through it and it came up. It wasn't traumatic or a big deal.

My question is do they have to know at this age?

I am all for being honest with kids but I would not put them through this kind of trauma unless it was necessary.

Just use age appropriate language. You don't really have to say much beyond the fact that he'd been doing bad things and now the police are dealing with it. Top end of primary you can talk about abuse, just don't be too graphic. Answer questions but don't over-answer.

Your poor friend, it must be awful for her.

If he has just been arrested I wouldn't tell them anything. He hasn't been found guilty yet - wait and see .

Depending on their age, i would say you don't necessarily have to tell them the actual crime. If quite young you can be a bit evasive, say he did something bad without going into specifics and without making him sound innocent. And explain more at a later date? What a crap position to be in.

@LastRoloIsMine

My question is do they have to know at this age?

I am all for being honest with kids but I would not put them through this kind of trauma unless it was necessary.

I agree. If he is convicted then you can tell them when the time is right, but I certainly wouldn't rush to tell them.

What? No don’t tell them they are only small ! That may really upset them. Keep it age appropriate. Plenty of kids parents go to gaol & think mummy or daddy just on a holiday.

I don’t see how telling your kids their grandfather sexually abuses kids will help them.

But I think you should be more concerned with finding out if they have been abused.

Upper primary, year 6, then I would go with the blunt truth as long as they are not that close to the grandad.

If they love him etc, it's much harder and I would perhaps start with he has committed a crime and will go to prison.

Thanks all. It’s really helpful seeing different opinions. It really is such an awful situation and we’re still not sure at this point what the outcome will be.

Must be a dreadfully difficult time for you all. I would agree with a PP though - don't make this a family secret - doesn't mean you have to tell them now, or anytime soon, but don't hide it away for years.