I feel like I need to leave

[sygnetswan]

But I just can't bring myself to do it.

Me and dp have been together 15 years and have 3 dc together.
Since our second child was born 6 years ago my dp has changed completely.

He is always on edge and stressed. He has a mental health condition and struggles due to this.

He tries really hard to stay well. He has been prescribed medication which he takes and lives a healthy lifestyle.

I feel really bad to admit it but I have just had enough.

I constantly have a black cloud over me and I'm constantly worried he's going to get ill and stressed and shouty.

I have to live a healthy lifestyle too and can't always do things I want to as it will affect him and if he gets ill I'd just rather not do it.

I feel like my whole life is spent trying to keep him well. My children always come first, then dp then me.

I just want a break from it all. It's not his fault and I would feel terribly to leave him, but I'm just suffocated by it all.

I think I can only say honesty is best, could you discuss it with him..I’m sure he would rather know you were struggling so he and you both had the chance to possibly do something about it to help the situation before walking? You have to think it’s worth fighting for though. Maybe you need to be true to yourself that you need a break...but it may not need to be a permanent one. Everyone needs to recharge their batteries and get some peaceful time every so often, I think it’s the only way to come back to a situation with a calmer mind and also give yourself time to think things through without the constant day to day pressures. Could you possibly get someone to help your husband with the kids for a few nights and take yourself off to an AirBnB or something to just disconnect from everything - think only about yourself, your needs and your wants for a few days? It sounds like a very full on environment (oh and having more than one child you are literally like superwoman in my eyes already as I barely keep it together with one!!) so maybe you could just voice your need for some time out and then go from there x

It would not be possible to leave the dc with him as this will cause him to get stressed and it will all be pointless. This is how everything is. I have to try and keep everyone at peace and I'm getting neglected myself.

I have spoken to him about how i feel and he just says I need to toughen up.

Has he tried to get to the route of what is causing him stress? Medication will help but it doesn't always solve the problem. Do you have any support in RL who could give you a break? Maybe some counselling for you too. You need to make sure you don't burn yourself out. Perhaps try talking to him again and be really honest about how you feel. Perhaps he doesn't realise how tough things can be for you too. 💐 for you

can't always do things I want to as it will affect him

What sort of things?

His telling you to toughen up for saying how you feel for a change isn't nice. How would he like it if every time he displayed his mental illness you told him to get a grip?

It sounds like only he is allowed feelings, and the rest of you have to kow tow to him and live under a cloud of his moods and restrictions on your life.

I would definitely leave.

He has support from professionals so will be ok- you can't help him as much as they can, anyway.

He says YOU need to toughen up when he can't even look after his own kids?

Will he want shared custody of the children?
And would you feel comfortable with that?

That's the main reason I'd be hesitant to leave (if it were me). Otherwise, yes you may well have a happier and more fulfilled life without tiptoeing around his MH situation. And you only get one life - so live it.

I hear you. Although I am older, no young children, my OH is very draining. Over the last 5 years it's got worse and worse. I want to leave, I think I will have to for my own well being, but I am so ground down by it all I'm not sure I have the energy. Tough decision for you OP. Would it be something you can implement fairly easy the practical side of leaving?

I would hate shared custody but he does love his children so I have no doubt he would want to see them if I left. He would struggle to have them for a weekend without me so I'm not sure how that would work.

When I say I can't always do things I want, for example I can't have friends/ family round unless he feels 100% well In himself. Even then they can only stay for a short visit. I don't always tell them the truth either so I'm sure some of them think I'm unreliable and difficult when I cancel last minute. This is the same for any parties or gatherings we get invited to. We have never been to a party / event since dc2 was born.

Sounds like codependency.

When I say I can't always do things I want, for example I can't have friends/ family round unless he feels 100% well In himself. Even then they can only stay for a short visit. I don't always tell them the truth either so I'm sure some of them think I'm unreliable and difficult when I cancel last minute. This is the same for any parties or gatherings we get invited to
Actually I think I'd share some of what's going on with a trusted friend and also your immediate family because it really sounds like you need the support.

As for

It would not be possible to leave the dc with him as this will cause him to get stressed and it will all be pointless.

he just says I need to toughen up.
that works both ways.