For those that are NC how do you deal with Father's Day?

[Shefliesonherownwings]

I’ve posted about going NC with my dad before but for a little bit of context I cut off contact with him in December last year after he behaved unforgivably when my daughter was stillborn. It was the last straw after years of controlling bullying behaviour. Basically he behaved awfully to me the night before her funeral and when I later told him how unhappy he'd made me he told me I always blaming him for everything. I didn’t reply. Then randomly in January I received a long rambling email which told me how I was making him ill, I was responsible for him and my mum almost splitting up and telling me how much he’d done for me throughout my life. Essentially how ungrateful I was. He ended the email by saying he didn't want any contact with me. Again I didn’t respond.

Since then I speak to my mum regularly but we don’t talk about him. I have my own issues with her not standing up for me enough and keeping quiet to keep the peace. She’s not exactly a flying monkey but she has suggested I reach out to him and I’ve told her no. For now I’ve decided not to bring that up until I can see her in person. I am actually pregnant again and focusing on getting through this pregnancy and managing my anxiety which is huge.

Lately though I’ve been thinking about fathers day. Obviously mothers day this year was incredibly difficult, I couldn’t look at any cards in the shops so I just ordered some flowers for mum. Fathers day will again be hard but more so for my DH so I want to just focus on supporting him. I’m not going to send my dad a card, text or anything but lately I’ve been feeling some guilt and sadness that it’s come to this. I’ve never had an apology or acknowledgement that he’s upset me from him and even if I did I don’t know that we could have a relationship again. I’m so hurt by him. But as much as I say I don't care and I’m not bothered I do feel conflicted about not sending or saying anything next week. I’ve made up my mind not to but I do have a question about whether this is right. I wonder also if my mum will say something about it and suggest I send a text which I don’t want to hear.

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable but I wondered how others who are NC with parents deal with milestone days like fathers day but also birthdays/Christmas... is it normal to still feel confused about what to do no matter how badly the other person has behaved?

You have made up your mind not to send anything so this is the right thing to do in your mind. In your position I would not send anything either. I would also reassess your boundaries and relationship with your mother as she has yet again come down again on the side of her husband here for her own reasons. She threw you under the bus as a child and continues to do so. How did she react to you telling her no re contacting your dad?.

Have a read of the website called Out of the Fog.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you, I will have a look at that website.

I am so conflicted about my mum. I love her dearly and in many ways she's great. BUT she has spent 40 years living with an abusive man and has learned how to manage that by not rocking the boat and standing up to him. I lived like that also so I know how volatile he can be and how much she walks on eggshells. But I'd have hoped that when it came to her child and especially with what I have been through, she would support me more.

Last time I told her I wasn't contacting him I felt she was quite dismissive to me. In the past I've felt she understood where I was coming from and even agreed with me although she always says she thinks he is going senile as an excuse. I told her I don't believe that, he's just a nasty person. Last time we spoke about it I told her why I wasn't going to reach out but I felt she just wanted to change the subject and move on. I got the impression she didn't want to hear it which was different to her usual sympathetic albeit passive attitude. I was hurt by her brushing me off.