Meeting someone after 50

[Endless11]

There seem to be two opinions on this - one camp which says it is very difficult and women kind of become “invisible” (have just read that somewhere), the other which says a relationship is possible at any age.

So I guess I wanted to ask about your experiences of meeting someone after 50 - or of knowing other people who have?

I am 51 and have had one relationship (long marriage which ended due to emotional abuse), and if I think that that’s it for me (which I sometimes do) I feel so sad. That wasn’t love and I so would like to experience a loving and kind relationship .

By the way, I forgot to mention that meeting people the old way also has its risks.

There are not many people available, in the 15 years since my divorce, I have only met 2 single men “organically”. Admittedly, I have hobbies, plenty of friends and work in a large organisation but mostly move in “women circles” so my opportunities to accidentally meet someone have always been very limited... it is not that someone is going to come and ask you for yor telephone number when you are having lunch or dinner with a bunch of other middle aged people

Of those 2 I meet one turned out to be, despite his friendly appearance and being very liked by his friends, remarkably jealous and controlling in private, I was afraid even to leave something in the plate after eating as he would explode, Jesus! he used to even got mental at the green grocer telling me how much I owed if he smiled when he did, even when we had never seen him before!

Second one, I met in a drawing class, my friend wanted me to meet him because he had recently split with his ex and he was a bit shy but nice So he invited him to join... as soon as he joined the class my friend, who is 15 years older than me and this guy, decided she wanted to try it with him first, so I just step aside when she started to get a bit territorial, but ruined the classes for me for a little while not because I was interested in Mr Shy but for the desperate attempts of my friend, putting me down to get his attention, thankfully this just went on for a couple of weeks or so as by the third class the guy showed up wearing nail varnish and green eyeshadow... honestly, it was so badLt applied I was more tempted to ask him if I could fix his make up for him in the way you would ask a teenager than inviting him out for a coffee... so I am thankful to OLD as otherwise I would have spent half of my life single...

I think meeting organically through a shared interest is your best bet.

I’m 60 and have no idea how I’d find anyone else if DH and I were to split. A close friend in her mid 50’s, is IMO a lovely human being and beautiful however has no luck meeting anyone of her age. She just seems to get interest from the 70’s.

Utterly depressing!

I'm nearing 50 and 2 years ago split from a 9 year LTR. My plan was to just be on my own and get on with my life. I have fantastic friends and not short of male attention via my hobby, but wasn't interested in a relationship. I spent a year building up my self esteem again and despite friends telling me I needed to get out and date, I just didn't want to. The thought of OLD just freaks me out.

With regards to feeling invisible, I will be honest and say that at this point in my life I don't feel invisible at all, far from it. The irony is for decades I felt invisible and not very attractive, but over the past few years I've somehow changed all of that! I had counselling, lost weight and took better care of myself. One of my male close friends told me point blank (with no agenda, he is like a brother to me) that I clearly had no idea how attractive I was. Either way, at this age I feel comfortable in my skin, with my style and my outlook on life. I was doing it all for me, not a man!

Then 8 months ago I met the man I'm with now. It was a totally random connection via an event I was attending with friends, and a last minute decision for me to go. Everything about the way we met makes us both laugh with bemusement and with how we connected. He is 52 and had been on his own for quite a while and wasn't looking for a relationship either. He was happy by himself, but in the back of his mind he hoped at some point he would meet someone.

It is still quite early days for us/honeymoon period etc, but we feel very right for each other and want a future together. I guess if I hadn't have met him I would still be on my own now as my bar had been set quite high. Had I used the OLD route, I may have been ultra picky.

Saying that my friend's older sister (aged 61) has had an awful track record of relationships and had finally got the courage to leave her abusive Ex-H last year. Then in January one of her friends persuaded her to join Match and she struck lucky with the first bloke who contacted her! They are now very much an item and have been staying with each other during lockdown - I was quite skeptical at them shacking up so quickly, but they are now talking long term/marriage and are so well suited! We are all very happy for them!

I divorced when I was 45 after 20 years of marriage. It was fairly amicable we were just like friends who lived together really , sex life not brilliant because i think basically we just didn't fancy each other. I had 3 teenagers when i divorced so wasn't really looking for anyone. Did have a couple of short "relationships" but both were not right for me.
After my kids had left home I decided to focus on myself. Worked on my health and fitness, joined meet up/ walking groups. My kids joked that i have a better social life than them!
I'm now 58 and about 11 months ago met the loveliest man , same age as me, he is kind, thoughtful, funny and the sex is great! He has been staying with me during lockdown and we have been really happy.

So it can happen. I think in my case the key was doing what made feel good about myself without necessarily looking for someone. I would have been content if my life had carried on in the same way but obviously meeting him was a bonus.

@Fuggly You are spot on with this:

I think in my case the key was doing what made feel good about myself without necessarily looking for someone. I would have been content if my life had carried on in the same way but obviously meeting him was a bonus.

That's how an honest and emotionally mature relationship should be. A bonus, not something to validate who you are.

Thanks for all the messages - it’s been really interesting to read everyone’s experiences. Yes I think the key might be focusing on myself for a bit, and in any case there’s still the virus and social distancing to contend with.

Sorry your friend is finding it difficult to meet someone @NameChangeNugget - she sounds lovely.

Oh this thread gives me hope ! I’m early fifties , full time working mum - three kids, youngest is 9 so still very busy and childcare responsibilities (useless exP so I have DD with me every night ) - now DS is 16 so I can potentially have the odd date night out for a couple of hours.
Still gearing up to do OLD. I am trying in lockdown to do some exercise and get a bit healthier and feel better about myself.

I divorced at 55. Met current dh the following year through a mutual interest...not OLD. We are now very happily married and having the time of our lives.

I'm 35 and have been in a relationship with a man who is 56 for the past couple of years. Before me he had a girlfriend who was 55 and before her, another 54-55 year old. Our relationship has completely broken down because it is obvious to me that he prefers people his own age.

For a long time I was trying to work out how I could make myself older, more successful, more worldly and more sophisticated. But I knew I shouldn't be trying to change myself.

So in answer to the question, in my experience there are plenty of men available to women after 50

My mum divorced at 52, had some bracing and educational encounters with an assortment of men (mainly through Guardian soulmates - this was pre-OLD days) and then met the love of her life at 55 when he came to fix her computer! So yes, it is very possible.

I met my husband at work when I was 50. I'd just started a new job and there he was. I asked him out. This was in 2012. We got married in 2015.

Doesn't the idea of older women being invisible usually refer to something quite different to us having relationships? I've mainly heard it with reference to things like younger women being the focus of attention in the press, older women not getting roles in films any more, or jobs on reception etc.

I agree that some men hook up/want to hook up with younger women. But that only works because some younger women like having older partners. Some men and women like a partner their age, and that is fine too. I've done OLD in my mid- and late 40s, set it up so that I was only shown men within 5 years of me, so any elderly lotharios were "invisible". One younger man contacted me, but I don't remember being messaged by anyone older. I had a good selection of men in my age range to choose from; some were interesting, some not, same as when you go out on the street and look at random men your age. Got several dates each time, and a couple of relationships, both very positive in different ways.

I'm not looking for marriage or anything just now, but never had the impression that I was condemned to singledom due to my age. On none of the dates did I feel like I was desperately hoping for the man to choose me; if anything it felt like they were more eager.

51 here.
I've had a couple of relationships since I split with my ExP 3 1/2 years ago.
But.... I love being single so I'm doing that for a while.
I do have men I can call on if I need a date or a shag.
But I've not been out with anyone since October last year.
I have more than enough going on with my life without the extra stress of fitting someone else into it.
But there is hope. I promise.
I am contacted regularly by 3 guys but I'm not interested really.
So I have a pleasant exchange and then it stops for a couple of months and so it goes on.
None are from OLD though.
1x ex work colleague
1x someone local
1x someone less local that I know

With the current situation though, I'm not sure how easy it will be to meet and progress a relationship.

My dad is nearing 80 and he is OLD!! He looks incredible for his age though.

For me I guess no matter how much I despise old and making any sort of effort the reality is this is probably the only way I will meet someone.
I do not go out to wine bars or clubs, I work but do not come across any eligible men.
My last few encounters have gone like this....

1. Met for coffee, lovely man, but no spark for me. Was gushing with approval over me...never heard a peep out of him again.
2. Never got to the meet stage as he saw me online and I was effectively dumped as I may have been talking to someone else.
3. Again not my cup of tea, amusing enough so agreed to meet again. Never happened as the 10 miles I expected him to travel was too far.
4. Someone recently.....outside my distance criteria but I thought what the heck. Even broke my rule about giving out my number and speaking after very few messages. Rang me every night for 4 days, which to be honest was a bit much for me but I hid it well. It has been 4 days and he has disappeared.

Such is life on old.

I am a 56 year old guy, separated in January and thought I would leave it a while before even trying to meet anyone.
Joined meetup and went to a few events...then Covid spoilt the party.

Locked down with the kids.
I thought that I would try OLD this month...
pof - spent ages writing a profile and completing psychological questionnaires etc. All the matches were from 100's of miles away...literally!!! Messaged some local women but no replies.
Binned after a week.

Bumble next - similar story
I liked lots of profiles, few matches and fewer still messages.
Paid for a few days as could only send a restricted number of messages, then jacked that in.
I had a host of likes in my queue and had to pay again to see them, but these were exclusively at the other end of the country, so I didn't message match with any of them at all.
I have another 25 profiles queued to see me if I pay again...but not convinced given the zero strike rate so far!

Hinge has been similarly unspectacular

Never considered Twitter as I am well past my teens and twenties.

Going to perhaps leave it until a post lockdown world.

@Abbcccus, I don't reply to people who just say Hi, if that helps, or if the message is a bit creepy. Some profiles are too detailed, or have known dislikes in them. There are threads on here.

There is an OLD thread, and that is good for ideas.

Some people only check in on OLD occasionally - especially now, I would think, when many people are not yet ready to go out. And some people need a day or two to mull it over before answering. Just looking for a couple of days and then giving up because you didn't immediately match with someone makes it sound like your heart might not really be in it - are you sure you're ready?

If you are, but just don't have the time or willpower to spend more than a day or two looking, I'd recommend trying again in the lead-up to Christmas and around the new year (when people are reminded that having a partner can be convenient, and want to turn over a new leaf etc.) and over bank holidays, when people are more likely to have the time to check their messages. But generally, giving it a few weeks makes more sense. If I had been looking for someone like you, @Abbcccus, what are the chances that I would have found you during that brief interval?

separated in January and thought I would leave it a while before even trying to meet anyone. Joined meetup and went to a few events...then Covid spoilt the party.
I love the fact that the "while" you waited before looking was less than two months 😂

I think that single men in that age bracket can be found at golf clubs, in cycling and running clubs and possibly at pub quiz nights. Meetup is good for making friends through walking groups. The historical tour ones are fun.
I know that I'm getting older because I like Madeira cake. That was the worse cake ever when I was young. 😂

Met my second H at (well over) 50 after a long marriage and divorce . He lived in the same town as me but I would likely never have met him except for POF as he was working full time. Best relationship of my life !

@ravenmum Closer to 5 months, and only after living separately under the same roof for about 4 yrs.
Moved to a different town and the Meetup's was to get a wider circle of friends more than anything else.

Your point about the coincidence of two people being looking at the same time is valid.

Ah, then I misunderstood the part about January (last year, then?).
Don't give up too soon, and check the settings and see if you can exclude anyone over a certain distance away.