What is holding me back in dating again

[Huffpuff3]

Help! Been wanting to get back into dating game but had horrific divorce and then 3 close deaths in short space of time. After each always thought that I would grieve properly and wait to feel like myself again then hit by the next one. 3 deaths spread out over 2 years so I haven't dated anyone at all in that time. I realise life is bloody short and I can't wait around forever. I'm 38, hoped to have another child by now and know I need to start dating again. But it feels me with slight dread and panic. I think I am worried about talking about these tragic events in my life with someone or getting close to someone and getting hurt again. I've also lost confidence since becoming a single parent - weight gain, who would want me etc. When I was online dating in the past I was shocked to come across all the men saying they did not want single mums

I do have a lot of good things going for me and am entirely self sufficient. I don't need a man at all but I don't feel happy. It constantly feels like something is missing in my life. A lover, companion, soul mate whatever it is. But at the same time I've lost enthusiasm or hope of finding someone. Anyone else felt like this?? Should I just get back into dating or wait? It's a weird time with covid and I think this has added to those feelings of loneliness/emptiness. Sorry for the ramble.

Seems like you not quite ready yet, you've had a difficult few years and it takes time to heal there you can't rush it.
You do need to feel in a strong confident place to date, there will be set backs and false starts so you have to feel ready to take it on. When you ready you will feel excited at the prospect of going on dates.
I wouldn't worry that some men don't want single mums while that may be true for some there is plenty that don't mind at all, I never had a shortage of offers and I have 3. The fact that you are self sufficient and not rushing to find someone will be attractive to a potential partner.

I've never found having kids has put men off, even those without children. I'm not going to lie I've been dumped loads, Im experiencing heartbreak right now but it wasnt due to having kids. I will say that a lot of men online will mess you around and if you're not mentally strong it will mess with your head. I'm thinking of giving it a break as so many mem see online dating as a source of casual sex only. Great if thats what you want but finding one that actually wants a relationship is like searching for gold dust.

@Crystalspider thanks. Just worried time will run away.

@Mermaidwaves that sounds exhausting. Sorry about your heartbreak. It seems such an effort to find someone compatible these days. Maybe that is the nature of online dating?

You aren’t alone OP.

At the moment dating seems incomprehensibly difficult and daunting. Just not tempting at all.

That's true @Mintjulia which sites are you on?

I think you have to be in a strong mental place to do online dating. It can be soul destroying and knock your confidence even more. You'd have to be prepared for that and sounds like you've been through enough.
If you can approach it with a carefree attitude and expect nothing, then go for it!

@anotherdisaster thanks, that's true. Who would have thought finding someone to go on a date with to be so potentially soul destroying? But yes, see it as carefree distraction and have no expectations. Maybe I will do that. I just think I won't meet someone in other circumstances.